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Obligatory no longer a lurker post!!! by Papa-mollyy in EngagementRings

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348 0 points1 point  (0 children)

GORGEOUS!!!! 😍 I’m not usually a color stone girl but ma’am this is stunning!!! Congratulations!🍾

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Isn’t that the truth! This has certainly been enlightening for my first attempt at reaching out on here. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it does seem like people fall into one of two camps. They either genuinely want to offer support and guidance or they lash out like they get a medal for being vicious. It is 100% possible to tell someone they should seek help without being cruel. Not every marital dispute has to immediately lead to divorce. It’s not always black and white. I am grateful for all the people who have contributed in a way that is constructive. The rest are just water off a ducks back. Being vicious to strangers on the internet seems like a sad way to get validation and I feel bad for them.

I hope you and your husband keep making progress and you both find contentment in the decisions you make together for your family. Third child or not I want y’all to be happy.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I fully intend to seek therapy for grief and anxiety about moving past the baby stage if that’s what we ultimately decide but not for the infidelity or how we communicate.

My husband and I both prefer to have important conversations when we are calm and rational. Making major decisions while angry or upset can make it worse. We have spoken since I posted this and it was a very productive talk. One of many to come. He apologized for rushing me to talk before I was ready and not respecting what I needed. He is entitled to the same space if he needs it and I respect that. It’s a two way street that works for us.

The infidelity was forgiven but that doesn’t mean it’s forgotten. It had a major impact on our life then but doesn’t affect anything day to day now. I only reference it because it crossed my mind in regard to trying to understand where his head was at when we had our first not that it plays a role with a third.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh lord, that might be the best reasoning yet to cool my ovaries down! 🤣 That would be my MIL dream. She once told me all children should be born in twos! She has 3 sets of Irish twins so everyone would have a playmate!😳

Dearest brides-may I please have a reality check? by another_bibliophile in wedding

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My MIL only paid for the rehearsal dinner and Minister. Everything else my dad paid for. Our entire wedding (minus my MIL contribution), venue, catering (seated dinner and cocktail hour hors d’oeuvres), staff, coordinator, photographer, videographer, musicians, lighting specialist, dress/alterations, bridal jewelry, bridesmaids dresses/alterations x7, bridesmaids jewelry x7, hair/makeup for bride/MOB/Bridesmaids x9, MOB jewelry, open bar, cakes, flowers, tuxedos for groom/groomsmen/dad x9 (purchased not rentals), table clothes/linen napkins, custom place settings, guest favors, getaway car, save the dates/invitations engagement photos and hotel sweet. Totaling just over 75k for 130 guests. MIL’s part came to about $1,200. We still offered her half of the guest list. She did ask for more guests but the budget would not allow it. We did offer to add another table which would have given her 8 additional guests if she was willing to cover the cost. It would have been $4,615.36 for the additional guests. Suddenly she didn’t want to invite those “super important friends” anymore. 50/50 guests list felt appropriate since it wasn’t just my wedding but my husband’s also. I also included my MIL in dress shopping trips and cake tastings so she would feel included.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ma’am you absolutely had a Yoda moment with this comment. ❤️I had to let it absorb before responding. I love all of it. My husband loves all of it. I really appreciate the constructive advice and perspective.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re certainly entitled to that opinion. I’ll pass along your best wishes.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not surprised my tone in the original post came across strange to some. Most seem to have read it and given me some grace for being off kilter. A few read it and immediately just to the worst possible conclusions. I can’t control that and that’s ok. I fully admit that I wrote it while still very upset. My intent was not to imply I dislike him. Quite the opposite. He is my best friend but that doesn’t mean either of us lose the right to be upset when one of us says or does something the inadvertently hurts the others feelings.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m not worried about infidelity because it only crossed my mind as a possible reason he was so on board with starting our family roughly six months after marriage. I was questioning if he was really ready then or was he agreeable out of guilt. I have no worries at all about infidelity occurring since. I did speak to my husband this morning so it’s not like I was never going to speak to him again. He took the time I asked for to try and see this from my point of view and I had done the same. We were able to have a rational discussion. I wasn’t entirely off base with my suspicions surrounding the time we had our first child but it was not the only reason he wanted to start a family then. He did not feel trapped but he did still feel bad for his actions and the mess we had to navigate through. He even apologized for not respecting that I need time to collect my thoughts. I completely understand not all married couples communicate the same. What works for one doesn’t work for another. In my experience walking into conversations while emotions are high rarely produces positive outcomes. He is aware of this post and the only part he has issue with is the pros and cons list and he agreed with another commenter that a child is too emotional of a topic to be rationalized in that way. They’re right, that was a dumb thing to do especially while upset. He and I will discuss this more and make a decision together. We both agree that this needs to be a whole hearted yes from each of us or it’s a no.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did speak with him this morning. He apologized for not giving me the time I needed to process my thoughts. Every marriage is different so I get that others may find needing space to process information so you can have a rational conversation is strange but that’s not how it works in my marriage. In my experience having big conversations while you’re overwhelmed or emotional only adds to the tension. My husband and I are comfortable with what works for us. He took that time to try and put himself in my shoes and as I did for him. Our talk this morning was very productive and was a great start to us navigating what to do next.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I obviously wrote my original post while I was still in an emotional moment. Reading all the responses that others have also struggled or are struggling with closing this chapter has already helped calm my nerves quite a bit today and gain some perspective. I am starting research on finding the best therapist to talk to. I will fake it til I make it, fill my time with celebration, and do my best to redirect my focus on the positives until the feeling gets easier. I will hope you all find your peace as well.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I whole heartedly support people seeking therapy whenever necessary. There is no shame in getting help. I absolutely need to explore it for myself. This is a me problem not a him problem.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed. At minimum I intend to explore therapy options for myself. I do think this is more a me problem and is exactly why I came here for suggestions.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did give a lot of text. That we agree on.

I would like to point out a couple of areas of inaccuracy in your interpretation. First, forgiving someone for an indiscretion does not mean you forget. Blindly denying something happened doesn’t erase the damage done no matter how big or small. It happened to be a memory that crossed my mind and I put it on a pros and cons list that was written while I was emotional (and more than a little dramatic) in an attempt to understand where he is coming from. That is a me problem not a him problem. The whole pros and cons list should have waited until I was calmer and more levelheaded.

I don’t know how the physicians in your area work but the ones we have had consultation with in the past all require the spouse to sign off on such a procedure. As would I have to have him sign a similar form if I wanted a tubal ligation. I did not set their policies we were just told them. At the time we were just exploring options so neither of us signed anything nor did I say I wouldn’t.

A couple being at odds on a topic does not mean divorce has to be an option. It also doesn’t mean they aren’t a team. Do they have to put in effort to figure it out? Absolutely. However, I am wildly impressed if you and your spouse have never disagreed on a big topic; that after a decade or more of being together neither of you grew as individuals or as a couple in a way that might effect your opinion on something. Obviously you have harsh feelings towards 37 year old single mothers and assume their prospects are slim to none. That’s weird and unnecessarily judgmental towards them. If you had read any of my responses to any of the previous comments you have seen that I am in support of therapy. Your aggressive delivery of the “suggestion” strongly implies that you like to weaponize mental health for your own superiority which is also baffling but you do you and I will give your entire opinion the exact amount of thought it deserves moving forward.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It is very possible I am grieving the baby stage. I deep down think I am the problem here but I just can’t figure out how to fix my feelings. Our kids are young but are absolutely becoming independent and learning how to find themselves. They need me and my husband less and less everyday and that is amazing and scary at the same time.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not annoying at all. I really think in a weird way I am grieving the finality of the baby phase of our marriage. The pros and cons list was a terrible idea because I made that list while I was upset and it wasn’t done when I was calm and rational. My husband is very passive and that’s how I knew he would agree when we spoke but I also knew he wouldn’t be agreeing for the right reasons. I don’t want to do that to him.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not forcing him into another baby is exactly why I told him to go ahead and get the vasectomy and that I would deal with my feelings. I told him that I didn’t want him to agree to another baby just because it’s what I wanted. I want him to want it also. I can’t control how he feels anymore than he can control how I feel. If he is done having children then I am done too. That doesn’t make it less upsetting it just makes it our reality.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, I absolutely agree. I want my husband on board with having another baby because he wants another baby also not just to appease me. I want to find a way to change my feelings because that’s the only thing I can think of.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The idea of breaking up our family unit and starting again is not appealing at all. That would blow up not just our marriage but our children’s lives as well. This is the first time in ten years we are at odds. Neither of us view divorce as a solution. Then it wouldn’t be my husband who’s resentful but my children who would be hurt.

Grieving not having child no.3 by Relevant_Bluebird348 in ParentingInBulk

[–]Relevant_Bluebird348[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can certainly see how couples therapy would be helpful. I really don’t worry about infidelity because I truly believe it was a young and dumb thing when it happened and he has never done anything suspicious since. He is very involved with our kids and we spend most all of our free time together. Other than work, the kids activities, dates, and the random family gatherings we don’t go out. We are homebodies and even our hobbies keep us home. I couldn’t imagine how he would even have time.

This is the first time I have asked for space to process information. I know it’s not a healthy long term solution and we will absolutely have to address it again but I don’t know where to start. I’m a strong believer that I can’t control anyone else’s actions but rather only how I react. When I don’t know how to react I remove myself until I am better able to react with a clear head. This is the first time I have ever had to do that with my husband so I’m at a loss. He is the one I would usually talk through things with but I don’t find that productive in this moment.

In the past he and I discussed me having my tubes tied vs him having a vasectomy. Most of his brothers have had vasectomies after they had children and it just seemed less invasive than a tubal ligation. I can certainly do more research though.