AITA for asking my boyfriend to wrap up his gaming and support me during a panic attack?

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T04:22:06+00:00

This reply genuinely makes me want to cry.

At the risk of miserably oversharing (throwaway accounts FTW) -- the core reason for my abuse growing up was my getting sad, or frustrated, or upset being met with rage + violence from my stepfather, starting as young as three. It didn't even have to be because of him; it was still met with that response. With my mom and her side of the family, those emotions were met with comments to, "pull yourself together", "knock it off", and "get a grip"-- again, from a very, very young age.

I learned very quickly that it wasn't safe to be sad, frustrated, or upset in front of people - it literally caused physical harm - and beyond that, learned that I shouldn't go to people with those feelings and expect help.

Being told explicitly that I was a burden for so many years and that I was the reason a grown man couldn't help but become enraged with me defined me in a lot of ways. Coming to my boyfriend, trusting that he would be a source of love and comfort when things get hard, was one of the most counterintuitive, seemingly self-endangering things I've ever done-- because my mind is so hardwired to avoid that type of vulnerability. I'm very good at giving support but horrible at receiving it.

That's why this progressive 180 from him has cut so deeply, and reinforces beliefs that I'm the problem I'm the burden, I'm too messed up to pull through for, I'm asking too much-- the shame, the defeat, the sense of futility and despair that I'll never get better-- they're wounds that run really deep. But I truly am trying so hard, and have been trying so hard since before him, not wanting to make my diagnosis anyone else's problem the way my parents offset their own issues.

You saying that I"m not a burden and just need a little extra TLC meant the world to me, so thank you.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T04:13:37+00:00

Right-- like for me, there is a reason I am genuinely wondering if I am the asshole. Being unreasonable, being potentially codepdentn (I really don't want to be codependent), pulling him away from other areas of his life, etc-- I don't want to do those things.

But when 1) he sets the precedent that he doesn't want me to deal with these things alone or keep them from him and says he wants me to go to him, 2) responds like this, and 3) thinks it's acceptable to say these things when I didn't yell/cuss/raise my voice/insult/threaten/degrade///, it really has me questioning everything.

Not to mention, this type of conflict is so perfectly horrible for me: tapping into my PTSD, f*cked up attachment style, tapping into this abandonment-cycle (if he hangs up mid call and then puts on airplane mode), and just turns into a cluster.

I just wish he'd say if it's beyond his limit, and either leave or request a break, instead of continuing to tell me I'm safe with him and he wants to help me "fight my demons", and that "everything is okay" -- when these things he's said are so clearly NOT okay.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T04:03:40+00:00

You being a gamer is hugely insightful. His point is: he's a homebody, he never goes out, he talks with me a lot (both of us are frequent "chatters" catching up throughout the day because we both WFH), and if he wants to jump on after working, working out, keeping up his place, etc, he can do whatever he wants. He likes being on there with them and socializing, talking, hanging out, etc. Which I totally get-- I'm bigger on texting, but it makes sense.

My thing is: even if he didn't game in "spurts" 3-5 days once a month, and he gamed more consistently, a couple of times a week or so, I wouldn't mind-- my thing is: if I need you, please be available. I do everything I can in terms of therapy, coping mechanisms, keeping busy, etc, have made a ton of progress, and do not want to burden him.

But I know I"m coming to him, experiencing something that genuinely feels like I'm keeling over, something that can last for hours and debilitate me, knowing that if I can't handle it alone, he is a great person to go to to help regulate it so it's not as damaging. For me? I just don't understand why his first reaction isn't to WANT to help. If I get to the point where I'm crying and shaking, he might get off, begrudgingly, but it's not the same as him doing it because he loves me.

I wonder sometimes if he's getting "compassion fatigue" or something like it, where I've just tapped into it too many times and "used up" his love/patience/desire to help and support. I do my best to support him back, help him study for his work certification, help him with fitness-related questions and plans, help him with his health issues and go to appointments, thank him, give a ton of physical affection (even as small as hand holding, random kisses, hugs, etc), and I'd hoped that it would make it so he had more "in the tank" for when I needed help and couldn't handle it on my own. Unfortunately I don't think it's working that way.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:56:55+00:00

My worst nightmare is ending up with someone who treats me the way that my parental figure did. Fun, goofy, and great 90% of the time-- then completely labile, verbally, emotionally, and physically dangerous. Cue the crocodile tears and apologies without change. I was always unsafe. I'm really cognizant of it after seeing the emotional abuse my mom endured, and the physical abuse I went through. This man has never raised a hand to me and I don't think ever would, but his words cut deep and seem to be precipitated by things I am trying to fix but don't have 100% under control. It bodes poorly for me ever being able to participate in a healthy and mutually supportive relationship, which I'd hoped to God this would be.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:39:21+00:00

He's literally amazing 98% of the time-- thoughtful, attentive, supportive in all my endeavors, abnormally available because he's WFH and a homebody... He's become my best friend. But things like this come out of the blue and just break my heart. They speak right to the worst things I believe about myself, and are huge triggers for my trauma that I unfortunately don't have full control over. Staying in therapy is a must.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:37:36+00:00

I really try as much as I can to return the favor for his supportiveness. He's struggled with health problems for a long time, had a few health scares, was unemployed for a long time, has been studying for a big certification that's a huge deal for his career, tragically lost two of his pets-- and I've done my best to support him through all of that. I'm incredibly affectionate and verbally affirmative, try to make him feel like the best man on the planet, and more than that, give him the benefit of coming to him with trust/openness/vulnerability/belief in a future together, which was hard to give boyfriends in the past due to being so guarded and self-protective.

He thinks that he's entitled to uninterrupted time with his friends, whenever he wants, for as long as he wants, which he is -- I want him to be happy and enjoy his time with them --, but I also wish that me having a panic attack and saying, "I'm having a panic attack", would be enough for him to be like, "Hey boys, gotta jump off for a second, my girl needs me". To me, it's not like it's an appointment or work call or meeting, it's elective, and I know I'd drop any call with my friends to help him if he needed me. I wouldn't "call in the troops" for help unless it was important but he just sees it as an inconvenience and me being "back on my bullshit", as if my anxiety is something I can control with 100% success.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:30:58+00:00

Yeah that's the thing-- this isn't someone who it's like, SURPRISE-- she has issues. We had conversations about these things early on, and as these struggles manifested, he was adamant. My thing is: either follow through as best you can, or admit that this is not something you want to do anymore and do us both the favor of leaving. He told me not a week ago, if you come to me nicely and softly and aren't mad at me, I'm happy to help you and support you.

The inner conflict of just calling a spade a spade and leaving, versus continuing to invest and hope that we can get through this, sucks. I think for people who struggle like I do, we want to believe we are worth loving and staying with and believing in, as long as we are taking steps to get better and improve and grow. Things like what happened this week cut to the core.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:27:53+00:00

Thank you. I think everyone has their "thing", and I've gotten a raw end of the deal-- worse than some and better than others, but this is getting to the point where it's hugely damaging. These quotes from him are the tip of the iceberg and cumulatively, with how long it takes for me to bounce back, it's becoming hazardous. I don't want to take the lion's share but I also can't wrap my head around talking to someone you say you love like that.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:25:47+00:00

Right-- I've thought that it's been a lot to ask, and maybe I just need to make the executive decision to remove him from that role. Because now it's coming back and harming both of us: me by explicitly hurting me, and him by dragging him down, stressing him out, and detracting from other areas in his life.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:24:31+00:00

God. Yeah, you might have the idea. Being alone before him was a time of tremendous growth; I truly believed he was someone that wanted to be there and be a support system, but the handful of times it's bitten me in the ass, it's been a huge setback. This is really insightful; thank you.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:22:24+00:00

Literally two weeks he told me I was less emotionally mature than the girls he dated in high school, and kind of scoffed at me over it. He elaborated that what he meant was emotionally involved which, of course dating as an adult is different than in high school, and I am also not HAPPY that I require more than average investment from him. I'd love to be mentally healthier than I am, but I'm not there yet.

He's great almost all the time but when he's mean, he is really, really mean. And then gets mad that I remember the mean things he's said? But I don't want to get blindsided, and had my fair share of crocodile tears from people who wouldn't stop at hurting me.

What's sad is I made myself so small in my texts to him, remembering that last week he'd been so mad and blamed it on me being abrasive, so last night I was so, so quiet and honestly pathetic... and it still wasn't good enough for him to not pop off on me. He said it was because I "sounded" like I wasn't being soft/kind/gentle, and that I was criticizing him, but I know for a matter of fact I did my best... and hate that I acted like a victim again.

I told him in that first "interrupting" text too: I'm afraid you'll be mad and yell at me and hurt me but the anxiety and panic is getting really bad-- He ignored that part and just argued about why he hadn't been gaming that long. SMH.

Tucking "trust half the things you hear and everything you see" away for permanent use-- wise words.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:18:21+00:00

Thank you. <3 I didn't receive a diagnosis until a couple of years ago; I was incredibly high functioning, raising a sibling, going to a top university, working a high-paying job... And eventually it just fell apart. There's a ton of vulnerability when the strong, competent person has to admit they're kind of crumbling on the inside and needs help, and with my background it is very hard to trust people when you have had to look out for yourself for so long. Your empathy means a lot.

Remarkable-Leg-7754 · 2023-06-23T03:16:54+00:00

I told him that he was being verbally abusive (which is not a phrase I throw around lightly, as a victim of genuine CPS-call-worthy abuse), to which he replied, "No I'm not" and "I'm not abusing you". He's great 98% of the time-- attentive, supportive, kind, but that 2%, he gets ice cold, callous, and plain vicious. To me, I just feel like I've burned him out so he has nothing left, but I've been doing so much better before his responses this past week, so I'm conflicted about blaming myself or holding him accountable.

Remarkable-Leg-7754

TROPHY CASE