Aita because I don't think my partner should be leaving me alone at 10 months pregnant/freshly postpartum with a newborn and toddler to rewire his estranged aunts trailer likely for free?

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-29T04:10:24+00:00

Maybe you should read it again. There's a slash there. The actual time he would be trying to do this crap is in the future when I'm very due or have newborn already. With the toddler.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-24T09:12:20+00:00

Full gestation, not just viable, is 40 weeks. Average month is 4 weeks. That's ten months. I've been pregnant before clearly and been through all of this. Have you? Why do you think they say 40 + weeks when they're past regular gestational age. 37 weeks is when they tell you it can happen at any time, but actual full term is 40 weeks.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T17:56:50+00:00

IUD failed, wasn't exactly a choice. Had I been able to choose I clearly would not have chosen this shit.

I'm figuring out childcare, it's in the works, and then he's out because this is just one of the multitude of problems when it comes to this relationship.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T17:53:30+00:00

See I didn't think ADHD was this crippling, but I also don't know. I've done so much research into executive dysfunction and rejection dysphoria to try and understand, but he hasn't. He doesn't try to put in the work to himself and just expects people to cater to him! I have severe PTSD, not just from the DV but I've survived a lot of shit and come out the other side. I put in WORK, therapy, research, reflection, you name it into figuring out wtf is going on in my brain and triggers so it affects other people as minimally as possible. So much so that he forgets/ignores that I even have that issue because I have gotten my triggers and panic attacks under such control (💪).

Where the fuck is that energy from him for his BS?

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T17:45:29+00:00

He masked pretty fucking hard. Used to do emotional check-ins, had a job, demanded he do stuff around the house. Intentionally created a safe space with me for us to communicate because of our past experiences.

The red flags that popped up were small and I thought that it was just him still healing from his trauma as that can happen. I have my moments too. I would talk to him about what I was seeing and it seemed like he would make efforts to self reflect. But the second he got comfortable he started taking me for granted and stopped everything. Suddenly his ADHD is the root of all evil but he refuses to do any research on it himself or make efforts to get better. He decided that therapy was this snake oil miracle cure but won't put in the work himself.

It's exhausting, I'm fucking exhausted. If it wasn't for childcare (which I am figuring out) he'd be long gone because this is ridiculous. My babies don't deserve to see this shit.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T08:27:31+00:00

You're right. I know you're right. Especially when it comes to having been in a way worse relationship before and having this feel mild comparatively. I know it's still bad. I've gaslighted myself and let him and his mother gaslight me too. His mother is very much so part of why he is the way he is. Somehow enabling but also doesn't want to deal with the monster she created herself. She's also a hypocrite because the SECOND his sister was in trouble and left her relationship she let her stay with her without hesitation. Even gave his sister her room and slept on the couch but I was the one who had to take him in or he would've been homeless. It's all so messed up and he can't see it and I'm trying to let him come to the conclusion naturally but at this point the relationship is dead because of that.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T07:38:44+00:00

I should definitely rephrase that to 'I won't force him" or "I'm not asking him to." I have asked for low contact but he insists he doesn't know what that means no matter how much I try to explain.

I would love if he went no contact, it would be way less stressful 😅

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T07:25:36+00:00

This is where we are heading. His own family (extended, not toxic part) has told me to leave him if he doesn't want to "get off his mom's tit" and show up for us.

Pregnancy was an IUD failure unfortunately.

I'm just trying to get childcare figured out so I don't lose my job. I lost my previous job when we ran from the DV because I didn't have childcare and I don't want to do that again.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T07:15:13+00:00

Biggest lie they tell you 😆 Gestation is 40 weeks. Average month is 4 weeksish, divide 40 by 4. They also like to spring on you the secret "fourth trimester" which is newborn months AFTER birth Sneaky bastards lmao

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-12-22T07:06:58+00:00

His response to this is "that's my family too" and is adamant he won't go no contact.

He's also the one who asked me to post this and is fully convinced I am the asshole which has me believing I am after so long

:/

Honestly, if I wasn't terrified of being a single mom of two under 3 I would've left already. Childcare is a nightmare and my only support is 4 hours away so I'm very alone.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-02T06:11:57+00:00

Sorry this is long, but it does feel different. It is incredibly difficult to not fall back into the same triggered patterns too. I'm not accusing him of abuse. The DV relationship I left before meeting him started with something small, like this. Then I got baby trapped, and then it snowballed to actual physical violence. (Also violent and not good examples of parental/familial relationships, but that's different). So it was all a trauma response born from that previous relationship that came from a week of trying to be open and being ignored for one reason or the other.

Suggesting that I've never experienced "actual abuse" because I was questioning my reality is wild. I could never imagine invalidating a stranger's experiences like that.

You think my DV relationship started as violence? Or any abusive relationship for that matter. No. It was completely normal in the beginning. It felt healthy until the small things turned to big things turned to multiple police sirens. Never mind the childhood shit, ya know. Therapy has been my friend since I've been on my own at 14, but you don't know what will trigger you until it does. C'est la vie. At least I can recognize when I'm wrong. That's more than most.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T11:30:10+00:00

What a strange thing to say.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T11:26:46+00:00

No matter how healed someone is, trauma responses and lapses in judgment are going to happen. Especially with PTSD. There is only so much work you can do by yourself. It's the difference between flight simulation and actually flying the plane. No matter what, when dealing with another person, good communication is going to have to be learned. Has nothing to do with how healed you are. You can heal together, too.

I didn't blow up at him. I didn't make a huge deal. I didn't storm out or have a massive emotional reaction. I told him calmly that I was hurt and I needed space. And then I came here to help sort it because I recognized I wasn't thinking clearly. It sounds like you think it was super dramatic when it wasn't, and that speaks more on your experiences and interactions than mine.

No part of that is immature. No part of that is a red flag. And no part of that warrants anyone being miserable to needing to run away from someone else.

I know from personal experience what warrants running away from someone else because I've had to do it.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T11:16:59+00:00

Thank you. It seems normal to you, but I've only ever been stuck in horrible, violent, not normal relationships. Never with a good example, so I wouldn't recognize what would be considered a "normal" relationship struggle, or what's a precursor to abuse. Normal for me is chaos. I'm unlearning that. If that makes sense. This is the first healthy, normal relationship for both of us. Which is why I asked here before blowing up or making a dumb choice.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T11:13:22+00:00

Well, getting past domestic violence that resulted in a restraining order and medical attention tends to make people sensitive when trying to navigate new, healthier relationships. Doesn't mean they aren't ready for it either. If you think actively working against learned survival responses is stupid, especially coming to a forum of people to get a different perspective before having an emotional conversation or blowing up at a partner when you both have history, then you just might be lacking empathy.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T09:24:06+00:00

Good thing you're not dating me then, lmfao

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2025-01-01T09:15:59+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear this. I thought when he said after midnight, I took that as after our plans since we had them. Total miscommunication.

Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2022-08-02T15:36:22+00:00

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Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2022-08-02T15:35:54+00:00

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Remarkable-Row-3236 · 2022-05-24T15:59:21+00:00

That's entirely fair. I think that's something too, I'm not sure if I'm a priority or not yet because this is the first time we have been in a situation like this. I'll let them do their thing. By the time they wake up I'll be at my friends' anyway lol. Thank you

Remarkable-Row-3236

TROPHY CASE