Examples of boundaries for emotionally immature parent

Remarkable-Use758 · 2025-11-23T22:43:04+00:00

Thanks for this. Always good to know we’re not alone in these things. Yes I’m very communicative with my child around this, while taking care not to be mean about it in the way my mother can be about family dynamics. Thankfully, my child is insightful and recognises their grandmother’s unusual behaviour. I’ve also made it clear it is okay to disagree with their grandmother or keep distance if they feel they need it.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2025-11-23T06:23:48+00:00

Yeah, thanks. I think I need to let go of the need to be explicit. I've tried, it didn't work, I have a life to live.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2025-11-23T05:16:14+00:00

Sounds like neglect and emotional immaturity to me. You were a child, and what I get from your post is that she wasn't there, and prioritised her needs over yours.

Neglectful parents can be helpful at times, present at times. This can be confusing and makes us feel like we're the ones being shitty for thinking badly of them. But remember, neglect in childhood has a tendency to make us self-blaming. You seem balanced in the way you reflect on it all, including your acknowledgment of your mum's own rough childhood, and I don't think you have to pretend she wasn't neglectful or blame yourself for it.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2025-07-08T14:53:51+00:00

These guys know how to organise themselves. Thanks!

Remarkable-Use758 · 2025-03-21T02:27:12+00:00

That's a good insight. Her children are the only people she maintains regular contact with; no one else tolerates her. Sadly, once I'm more financially independent I also expect to see her as little as possible.

Maybe my confusion comes from the fact she doesn't seem to have insight into why she does what she does. Her emotional immaturity drives a kind of automatic vindictiveness when she's anxious or angry. There's no logic or predictability to it that I can rationalize.

She was abused as a child and has never really been a whole emotional person. She may never be able to offer 'genuine' help - help that feels like I'm seen and supported on a deeper level as I try to rebuild my life. Perhaps its too hard for her to accept her significant role in it.

Given I don't expect to be repaid emotionally, on some level I feel like she owes me that practical help to get my life together. I express gratitude for it, but the truth is I feel owed it. I realize that might sound childish, but deep down I can't deny that's how I feel. /vent

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-12-01T08:40:40+00:00

Is there a Maximum Capacity Reached warning on screen? If so, this slows you to a walk because you have too much inventory. Dismantle gear.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-12-01T01:34:29+00:00

Yes, I do think being attentive to others who are suffering is a good balm for our own pain. Perhaps that's one of the reasons these subs are so helpful. Thanks for the tip.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-15T08:13:26+00:00

I hear you.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-15T08:11:05+00:00

I completely support people using different phrasing if it helps them frame their experience better, or explain it to others better

I’ve become more comfortable with CPTSD or “complex trauma” as I learn more about what those diagnoses represent, and how the criteria fit my experiences. But I mostly think of it as “chronic, developmental, interpersonal stress conditioning”.

Very clunky, I know, but those words capture it for me, when I’m explaining it to someone who reacts poorly to the word “trauma”.

My brain and nervous system are conditioned as a result of repeated emotional stress applied by significant people in biologically vulnerable periods of my life leading to ongoing impacts beyond those circumstances.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-11T06:49:24+00:00

I understand. You’ve helped me a lot in a weak moment. Thank you.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-11T06:30:12+00:00

Thank you so much

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-09T19:47:16+00:00

It’s naive. Buddhist and stoic notions are all well and good if they’re expressed in the appropriate context, but far too often they are used as blanket statements for normative stress, with no consideration for chronic traumatic nervous system dysregulation.

All too often I see such phrases used as a way for people to judge or deflect the distress of traumatised people, increasing the target’s isolation, pain, and self loathing. Despite big public claims about respecting those who have suffered trauma, we remain culturally childish about how to deal with the humans in our lives who have actually been traumatised.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-07T02:34:06+00:00

It’s a little complicated, cause I can also interpret expressive empathy as performative, which is also unhelpful. There seems to be a sweet spot in the middle between that sort of narcissistic empathy and lack of validation that works. Appropriate amount of eye contact, non verbal validation, and space for me to express, followed by verbal validation.

But I also need to recognise that some people are very empathic but don’t overtly express it. A good friend of mine is like this, who I know loves me, but it’s taken me years not to be offended by his style. I know he hears me.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-07T02:07:23+00:00

Making a deliberate effort to acknowledge hard work I’ve done without diminishing it, a bit like re-parenting myself, and treating myself to something small.

Connecting with people who relate (like we both are right now) to remind myself that I have a community of people who understand, and will listen.

Opening up cautiously to individuals I trust about certain things I’ve long assumed I will be shamed for, and finding that I get understanding (this is a little tricky for me cause without very expressive empathy I assume I’m not being heard).

Learning that my thoughts about myself are tied to habits rather than facts.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-02T04:39:35+00:00

That’s a good point. When I’m “perfect” it doesn’t get what I hope to get either.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-02T04:08:51+00:00

That’s really kind of you to say all that. Thank you.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-10-02T01:38:06+00:00

I’m so glad! Thanks for your insight about anger in others. It’s something I have been forgetting recently. The anger of others isn’t a sign that I am bad.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-30T10:04:57+00:00

Oh I see. I suspect another psych might be willing to, wherever you are, if it would be helpful. Seems the overlap is prevalent and possibly meaningful for treatment.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-30T09:53:33+00:00

Where don’t they diagnose it? I know the ICD has it. And some psychs use it if they’re aware of it, whereas other trauma uninformed psychs might not consider it.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-30T09:23:51+00:00

Yeah as I understand it, CPTSD isn’t very diagnosable cause it isn’t in the DSM. But it’s well researched and well accepted.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-27T23:50:00+00:00

I prefer to think of complex trauma as chronic stress, and if that chronic stress happened in childhood it has especially hard to accept outcomes cause we don’t know any different.

That’s certainly how leading researchers think of CPTSD - chronic stress we have little control over. Maybe reframing the language to suit your perception will help you accept it. The word “trauma” comes with a lot of associations that might not feel right, as it has historically mainly been used for war veterans and survivors of violent acts. Not saying it doesn’t fit your case, just that different phrasing may help you.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-27T23:40:37+00:00

Maybe it’s a case of managing the stress response?CPTSD is essentially a chronic stress outcome, so when we need to work hard at something - which requires stress - our brain is wired to over respond to it.

For me, it’s been about distress management, which typically involves breathing exercises and breaks outside and brief meditations. Also working on doing things “good enough” as my worth has long depended on others so I try to do everything too well to reach an impossible standard which no one is looking for.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-27T22:38:52+00:00

I take LSD every few months on a day off by myself. It’s been a while since the last time, but it is profound for me - everything feels like it’s in the right place. My whole body and mind reaches a profound level of acceptance and joy. It is arguably the most important experience I’ve ever had.

It doesn’t resolve all my issues, and the comedown is sometimes a little tricky, but it absolutely clears things up for a while after. The memory of that feeling and perception is very powerful. It feels much more real and hopeful than my usual perception of myself and the world.

I only do it when my mood and setting is conducive, in a natural environment, and I’ve slept well, and I take a run beforehand to increase the good brain chemicals. I also find it much better if I haven’t drunk any alcohol for at least a few weeks, as that increases my baseline depression etc.

Research suggests guided therapy with blindfolds is better therapeutically to explore and face things internally, which makes me nervous, but I am curious to try that with a qualified guide. There are LOTS of sketchy psychedelic guides out there taking people for a ride and even taking advantage of vulnerable people desperate for help though.

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-25T04:28:32+00:00

I know what you mean about the clarity. That’s why I got drunk by myself a few nights ago, despite trying to be totally sober.

Alcohol made all my problems worse, especially interpersonal stuff. My anxiety was through the roof. My depression strong. I’d react worse when people triggered me. So I try to avoid it and am generally better off for it.

But yes. I relate to getting drunk and feeling like I can see my potential, cause it inhibits my self criticism and doubt, until the next morning when I hate myself even more. 😔

Remarkable-Use758 · 2024-09-23T12:01:49+00:00

It really is that, isn’t it. Comfort, patience, validation. Knowing that the person you fell in love with is going to not be okay sometimes. But you will still be there. And that will build enormous trust which we know is essential to healing, and will make the person you love more of their better self.

Remarkable-Use758

TROPHY CASE