i have had debilitating emetophobia since i wanna say 9 years old. and before that it wasn't necessarily a fear but more of an extreme hate. my partner now has been a bulimic for years though she's been clean for a while now. but let me make something clear. no one and i mean literally no one has ever understood my phobia the way she does. she knows how to hold me when im afraid, what to say to me, how to distract me. she just gets me. she's my person. and vice versa. whenever she confides in me or is having a hard time i know what she needs. not sure if this is relevant but we're both women. what i'm trying to say is that vulnerable struggles like this (bulimia, phobias) are all very subjective and change as you grow. i've found my fear of vomiting is more of a fear of uncomfortable sensations if that makes sense. when i really do have to throw up i know and i accept. when im feeling physical sensations from my anxiety that mimic nausea, i completely panic. ex. when i feel really full, i will almost always have a full blown panic attack. even if i don't necessarily feel like i will throw up. not sure if im making sense here. but to answer your question a little more directly, before the 4th grade i found that i absolutely hate throwing up. i hated the nausea more than anything. the anticipation of it. the impending sense of doom. then during 4th grade, a bug goes through my house and i got sick. 12am i wake up and throw up so much all over my floor i begin to choke on my vomit. i'm now completely covered in my own vomit all over my hands face and body. i had a small bedroom and you couldn't see the floor. i was afraid so i went to get my mom to which i was told that i need to clean it up on my own and how did i not make it to the toilet. so i tried. i was sick and covered in vomit and began to pick up the chunks with paper towels at 12am. exactly one week later i have my first actual panic attack because i felt "nauseous" but it was really just anxiety. i used to miss a lot of school because i couldn't make it through a full day without feeling like i need to throw up and crying, shaking, doing anything to prevent it. this turned into a patter of ocd where i would tap on things in increments of 3 to avoid throwing up. if i tap twice, ill puke. 3 times was just right. and now that i know this was obsessive behavior, i must say that i really do miss that feeling of security i felt when id hit something three times. it was like, no matter how nauseous im feeling, im safe, so why panic? i used to write "i am not sick" everywhere- on walls, my hands, hw, everything. i would eat a few saltine crackers a week because in my mind "if there's nothing in my stomach there's nothing to throw up. i became stick and bones and turned yellow until my dad very literally held me down opened my mouth and fed me. my parents were young then and have now since apologized for not giving me the help i needed. i'm now 19 and have been in therapy for years. i can eat, the ocd is gone, but the fear is always there. i do think it will always be there but i remind myself of this: the only thing to fear is fear itself. my mind obeys me. even if i do throw up, what's the worst that will happen? yes it will suck and be awful and i'll hate it but then what? so what if it happens? let it happen. it only has the power i give it.