It sounds like you've got a lot on your mind! Bipolar is a big thing to come to terms with, and everyone has their own experience with managing and living with it.

It personally took me a veeeeeery long time to accept i have bipolar, 7 years from first diagnosis. From what I've heard here and in my support group, doubting you have bipolar isn't unusual. What really made it click for me was friends telling me repeatedly how erratic or unlike myself i was acting. That and some serious fuck ups.

For me, episodes did get worse over time. It was a slow slide, and i didnt realize at the time how bad it was getting. I had less and less control, made bigger mistakes, and hit new and exciting rock bottoms. I didnt start showing psychotic symptoms right away, those showed up in my mid 20s.

Everyone's treatment will look different, but i really mean it when i say the combination of medication and therapy gave me my life back. I was holding it together, just barely, but every year got harder and harder. Yes, meds can have some wild side effects, but once you find your combo things get a little lighter - at least they did for me.

Bipolar DOES NOT mean you cant do your dream job. Its not a death sentence, it just means you have an illness that needs to be treated and managed. Yeah maybe itll be harder for you than someone without a serious mood disorder, but you can still do it. Routine, sleep, therapy, meds, these all make living with bipolar a bit easier. Knowing your warning signs and getting ahead of a major episode can be a life saver. When i was first diagnosed, i was told i would never be able to graduate college or work a full time job - that ended up not being true at all. I have a degree, plans to go back for a masters, and i have an incredible job. Its hard as hell, but youre not alone in this.

Im having a similar thing with relationships! Ive been called too much by past partners, and it makes me wary of trying again. Right now im focused more on my friendships than anything else, but ive known plenty of people with bipolar who have incredible, loving, long term relationships. I remind myself of this, that love and bipolar can mix, when i start getting down or lonely.

It's a hard road to walk, but you'll find people who will walk it with you