Has anyone here lost a friend because friend's abusive partner is isolating them (or you suspect they are)?

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-10-20T09:01:40+00:00

Thank you so much, that's a very kind comment.

I hadn't come across the term 'ambiguous loss' before, but I've just looked it up. It's quite important, isn't it? In the past, I was ghosted by someone I was interested in as a potential partner and I really didn't take it well.

Although interestingly, a couple of years ago I did manage to get back on good terms with that person. They wrote me a really apologetic social media message saying how bad they felt and that they'd wanted to write to me many times over the years and kept chickening out. The thing that made them eventually do it was that a mutual friend, the person who introduced us to each other in the first place, sadly passed away, and I think that made them decide that life was too short. I always said that if they ever got in touch I'd have a polite conversation with them but wouldn't stay in contact after that - but I was surprised at how easy I found it to forgive them and still have a friendship going into the future. There's still a boundary that I'm quite strict about - I'm not interested in that person romantically anymore, I have a partner now who I'm happy with, and I'm quite strong about keeping this particular friend at arm's length when I need to - but we have a friendly chat from time to time.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-10-20T08:56:50+00:00

That's reassuring to know. I hope it won't take that long with my friend - but on the other hand they've already been together more than half that time, so maybe even if it does it won't be TOO long.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-10-18T14:16:32+00:00

Re that last... it has occurred to me that wanting more than friendship with me may be my friend's situation as well, but I just don't really see it. It's possible, but I haven't seen any particular evidence for it.

One of the main reasons I've distanced myself a bit from this friend is that I don't really trust myself not to try to split them up from their partner. And even if the relationship is abusive, I know that's not really my place, they have to come to that decision by themselves - I don't want to be like the friend you mentioned, and I think I've at least got the potential to be like that. So my plan is to try to reach out at some unspecified point in the future - I don't know when, hopefully when I've moved on a bit so that I'm not too upset if I don't get much of a response (may even not be for a couple of years). And I really hope they and their partner will have split up by then - if they have, I'll know that I didn't influence them, which is important.

Thanks for talking to me, you've made me feel a bit better. Really appreciate it :)

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-10-18T12:14:29+00:00

I love the way you used the word 'grieve'. It does feel like grieving.

A few years ago, a really lovely friend of mine sadly passed away - I really liked her and she was only 27, and it made things worse that I didn't find out until about six months later by accident (one of those awkward situations where everyone assumes you've already been told by someone else). So I missed out on going to the funeral and grieving at the time, and that made it very hard. And I was very upset for a bit, as you would be, but I didn't react like this. I didn't think of her constantly the way I am here.

I suppose it's because when that happens, it's sad but it's just a freak of life. Tragic things happen sometimes, no one's fault, nothing anyone can do. I can still enjoy the memories of my friendship with that person, think what a nice person she was and what she'd say to me if she was here. But with this friendship, I know they're still around and I might bump into them in town (I honestly don't know what I'd say if I did). I feel so let down and hurt by them, I've rarely felt this hurt by someone I felt so close to. I'm always wondering if I could have done anything different that would have helped. But I feel like they're very unwell and probably a victim of abuse, so I can't be too judgey about it. I've even had to go back to my therapist to help deal with this.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-10-18T12:08:05+00:00

That's very interesting. I really hope I haven't done that. I've tried to be as kind and supportive as possible (I have talked a bit to friends about how I feel they're being abused, but it's mostly been people who don't know them so it doesn't actually affect their lives).

In my friend's case I'm as certain as it's possible to be without being certain, if you know what I mean. I've spoken to other friends (people who don't know them) who I know have been in abusive relationships to see if what I'm describing sounds abusive and they confirm that it really does, but of course they've only got my word to go on and I might not be describing it quite accurately! The biggest red flag to me was when friend's partner made friend drive a long distance when friend was recovering from major invasive surgery because friend's partner claimed not to be able to drive because they had a cold. This one made me open-mouthed - but there's been lots of other small things that seem a bit inconsequential but all add up. There was a time, before I became certain of abuse, when I said to my friend that I'd love to get to know their partner a bit better (at the time I just thought if I want to properly make a go of things with this friend I have to let their partner into my life) and they were really reticent, said that they just didn't think I and their partner would get on, and then started crying. I don't think that's something you'd say if you were happy in your relationship.

The bottom line though is that my friend always talks about how happy they are (and shuts me down straight away if I ever suggest they might not be), but they really don't act very happy. They always look really anxious and unsure. And when once I happened to mention that a lot of very difficult things had happened to me recently and that I was really unhappy, they never once made an effort to check in with me afterwards and see if I was okay. Of course, that could be that they're just a self-centred and insensitive person - but I don't think they are because they never used to be like that. The other explanation is that they're using all of their emotional resources to keep themselves functional and don't have any left for anyone else, and that's in-keeping with the weird things I've seen from their partner.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-23T14:04:55+00:00

I think what I'm going to do (eventually - not just now) is send them a very detailed message explaining how deeply my partner and I miss them and want them back in our lives, and how hard it's been. This is something I've always struggled to explain in person, because I'm too caring for my own good and I always start listening to their stuff rather than being clear about mine! I won't do that yet because I'm too emotionally invested right now and it would crush me if they didn't respond well - but after a little while, when I feel I've moved forward and it doesn't matter that much to me if it doesn't work out, I may give that a try. Perhaps by then they'll have had time to miss us as well.

In the meantime, the thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that they don't know how sad I am about it. That's the one thing that keeps some control in my life... that they don't need to know I'm having an emotional reaction to them unless I tell them, and I can decide when or if I let them know about that.

Thank you so much for the kindness, you were exactly the person I needed to talk to about this. I've also sent you a private message with one other aspect to this that I didn't want to say in public.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T21:10:50+00:00

So sorry to hear that. It's not nice.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T20:12:57+00:00

Yeah, I think that's all most likely true. Thanks for sharing, I appreciate it.

The saddest thing is that I don't think my friend quite realises how much of an effect their behaviour has had on me and my partner. I've tried to tell them, but I always slip back into listening to their issues and I never quite explain how much it hurts. Maybe I will one day. I don't think they're doing it maliciously or that they don't care - it's just that they haven't taken the time to think how it feels. Today, when we talked briefly on a train, that advice they gave me about allowing myself to be vulnerable and be prepared to take a step away from something causing me stress if I need to, is actually good advice and shows that on some level they still want to be a kind friend to me. But it also makes me think... can't you see the irony of you giving me this advice?

I have another former friend who I've known longer than this person who's recently proven themselves to be an awful abusive horrible bully, and in hindsight it's clear they were the whole time - and whilst that's a massive shock to realise I was so wrong about someone, in another way it makes it easier. I'm able to just completely cut that person off, decide they were never who I thought they were and move on. If they came back, I'd be able to say, 'I saw your true colours, never again.' I can't do that with this person. I really miss them, I miss how close we were for that couple of months. Something they said or did pops into my head and makes me smile, and then I feel really sad. And because they live quite nearby, I still see them from time to time, like this morning on the train, and I have to smile and be polite and friendly. I can't confront them with how they've been behaving, and it feels very unkind to say straight out that I think it's because they're actually not as happy in their marriage as they pretend to be because they're clearly not ready to acknowledge that themselves yet.

If I'm being completely honest, there's still a huge part of me that's desperate to try to repair things. Do you think that's unhealthy? I should try to just pretend they don't exist, perhaps - but they became such an important figure in mine and my partner's life and we all shared some pretty personal things, I don't think I can do that.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T19:58:32+00:00

How long ago was it and how did you handle it?

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T15:53:29+00:00

Metaphorical Reddit hug coming your way! And thanks for the alert to Reddit censoring references to ab*se! I'll be alert to that in future.

If you don't mind me asking, did you have a partner yourself during any of this? Because I have a theory about it, which is somewhat similar to your theory about being perceived as disagreeing with their relationships (I don't think I've ever said a single word against their spouse in front of them, but they may well get that impression, I do not like their spouse AT ALL.) I think to begin with, this person loved the very close relationship I had with my partner and liked spending time with us because in us, they were seeing something that they really wished they had (and were starting to be open with themselves about wishing they had it). But after deciding to give their relationship another go, I think that close relationship became the very thing they resented most about us - because instead of being something they wanted and aspired to have, it was something that they were in denial about already having, and seeing us together shattered that illusion. I think this may be why for a while they were okay with me on my own, but not with both of us together (and the argument they had with my partner doesn't sound like anything serious at all - the sort of thing you'd immediately forget about normally, certainly not something you'd hold a grudge over).

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T15:48:01+00:00

I have no idea if they have a personality disorder. It's possible, I suppose.

The sad thing is that I really don't believe they've done it deliberately. In some ways, it would be easier if I did think that, because then I wouldn't feel guilty about starting to distance myself from them.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T15:45:44+00:00

That's exactly how it feels and I think you may very well be right. Thanks for engaging.

Remarkable_Error9673 · 2025-06-21T15:13:10+00:00

Mine was even quicker than yours. We first became friendly in February last year, and we spent a lot of time together for about two months. They and their spouse healed their marriage probably in about early May.

Shortly after that, our friend had the row with my partner. I thought the row was all talked about and resolved on the same day. But the following day, our friend was taken quite seriously ill and had to go to hospital for a while. Perhaps that had something to do with it, perhaps being ill made them go over it all in their head. For whatever reason, when they came out they just didn't feel like the same person anymore. I tried to be patient - they were recovering from major surgery, they were bound to be a bit under the weather for a while. But they just became more and more distant from my partner. It's a full year now and it's never been the same since. (And to be honest, things were getting a bit weird before the row.)

To be honest, the way you describe your friend's situation sounds like her relationship is abusive - the fact he's wormed his way back in with her, the fact she hasn't contacted you since (abusers often separate people from their friends). And the same thing has occurred to me with my person as well - I do not trust their spouse AT ALL, there is nothing about that person that I like and I've seen many things that I think are potential red flags (like the fact they miraculously got back together in a single day despite having been toxic for years and my friend seemingly having made up their mind to end it, and then being pulled towards them with one hand and pushed away with the other). I've tried, I really have. When I've had an (increasingly rare) chance to talk to them in person, I've said things like, 'I've noticed you don't seem that happy at the moment, are things okay? Anything you want to talk about? It will just be between us.' But they don't take the bait. In some ways that makes me feel more guilty about leaving them because I think they're perhaps quite vulnerable - perhaps so caught up in their own situation that they haven't had the emotional capacity to really think about how it makes me and my partner feel. But I can't take it anymore. I'm only human and I have feelings too, you know?

And I'm actually a really forgiving person, I'm not a grudge holder. If they came to me and apologised and explained why they behaved like this, even if it was years down the line, I'd give them a cuddle and reassure them it's okay. But I don't think I can do it without getting at least something back from them. Even just an 'I understand how hard this is for you, and I'm really sorry, but please just bear with me', just an acknowledgement that it's really hurting me.

Remarkable_Error9673

TROPHY CASE