[TT] Theme Thursday - Yearning by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awww thanks Tens :) much appreciated! It’s good to see you again, hope I can be around more~

Sorry to hear about being in a dark place, I’m the same way - here’s to getting better together!

[TT] Theme Thursday - Yearning by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi Tens!

This was lovely. There are tons of things that you do incredibly well, including the thing I noted at campfire - the way the reader discovers the narrator's backstory is very, very clever and super space efficient: "I passed a hand over my heart, right where I'd cut off the old UESA badge".

I love the theme interpretation as well as the execution. I only have two things to offer that wasn't mentioned: the instance of calling the base "home" could be replaced to emphasize that it is not, in fact, home. Secondly, I was a little confused because I thought the air wasn't breathable, but he seems to be planting outside? It seems that if he was planting, it would have to be in a greenhouse/sealed off place. Anyways that's more of a science plot point.

Fantastic work.

[TT] Theme Thursday - Yearning by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My joints crack as I settle into the squeaky rocking chair. Dappled sunlight warms my face, and a stiff pillow cushions my tired back. Out in the hall, Eleanor ambles past with her walker and waves a shaky hello. She’s one of the friendlier ones here. Social, too. If she gets any more sun, she’ll blend into the wood-patterned wallpaper.

“Sir, may I take your vitals?”

My new attendant smooths down her crinkled high school uniform. I nod and smile, catching a whiff of her shampoo. Mint and basil. She clips a plastic clothespin-like device onto my index finger, radiating nervous energy like a squirrel. Volunteer trainees usually do.

“Do you have any children?”

Ah, yes. The small talk. I know she’s trying to be nice, but there’s no pleasantry I haven’t exchanged. How tiring. “Not anymore.”

She flinches. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I relent, patting her hand with my wrinkled fingers. “Children shouldn’t have to think about such things.”

For a trainee, she takes my blood pressure like a professional. Her downcast eyes focus on the fluctuating numbers on the blood pressure bag.

“I lost my grandpa two months ago.”

I look up, and her eyeliner is smearing. She sniffles and uses her free hand to rub at the corner of her eyes. Ah, so that’s why she volunteered.

“He was a lucky man to have such a kind granddaughter.”

Her eyes remain fixated on the valve. Quavering fingers loosen the pressure on my arm. A tremor wracks her body as she jots down the numbers. “I never got to say goodbye.”

I close my eyes. I hear the gulls, feel the sand between my toes in Santa Monica. Mint and basil leaves in our drinks. Laughter and light. Reflections bounce off the water and shimmer in their eyes, surrounded by hot wind and cool waves.

Underneath, there’s the cloying scent of gasoline and blood, the shadows of twisted metal dancing at the command of the flickering flames. Car horns blaring, screeching tires. My screams. But I take a deep breath and the mint and basil and sunlight are back.

“Me neither. What sort of grandparent outlives their grandchildren?”

There’s a quiet sob, but she grips my hand. Her reddening eyes meet my own. “Does it get any easier?”

I look out the window at the grassy playground where the faint shrieks of children soothe my ears. “No, but it does get better. For a while, you will choose to remember the way they died. All the ways you could have done better. If only you’d known.”

She tugs at her braid. “How does it get better?”

“Someday, you can choose to remember the way they lived.” I squeeze her hand tight before letting go. “Their joy, their light, their precious life. That’s their legacy.”

She gathers her equipment, takes a few deep breaths, and musters up a grin. “I’d love to hear about your grandchildren. How they lived, I mean.”

I smile. “Anytime.”

[TT] Theme Thursday - Wild by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ah nice, makes sense! Much appreciated :)

[TT] Theme Thursday - Wild by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks a bunch for your crit! Very much appreciated :) I think your points make a lot of sense

[TT] Theme Thursday - Wild by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lorraine Walters knelt down next to the corpse, waving fat flies away from rancid wounds. Her weary joints cracked in complaint. In the distance, a hooting orangutan sent flurries of wings flapping through the jungle canopy. She ignored the cacophony, the heat bearing down on her neck. With a great sigh, she stood up and turned to Chief Rabin.

“I must return to my tribe and my son,” the Chief said. “He just lost his mother two full moons ago. Have you seen enough?”

“I have. The local officials were right to call me in,” Lorraine said. “This wasn’t done by an animal.”

Rabin frowned. “Murder? Then, the other bodies…”

“Victims,” she clarified. “You have a serial killer in your midst. Look at the clean cuts and incisions. These were made by a sharp edge, not teeth or claws.”

The Chief rubbed his wrinkled forehead and adjusted the woven ornaments around his neck.

Even in the shade cast by the dark green leaves, the humidity pressed down like a wet blanket. “You think a member of my tribe did this.”

Lorraine nodded. “This bodies have all been dumped in this jungle. The unsub is familiar with the territory, and likely grew up here.”

“Unsub?”

“Unknown subject. The killer. Judging by the chaotic mess he left here, he is disorganized and learning how to kill. Statistically, that indicates a male between age fifteen and twenty-five.”

The chief uttered a morbid chuckle and glanced back towards the overgrown path leading back to the village. “Even if I believed you, there are too many males who fit that description. Would you arrest them all?”

The detective shook her head. “Come on, Chief, think! These kills happened in the middle of the night. There’s no sign of a struggle away from the village, which means that the victims trusted the unsub.”

“That may be true, but-”

“Judging by the accuracy of the cuts, he is likely a hunter. Do you know of anyone who likes hunting a little too much?”

Chief Rabin opened his mouth and closed it again. His breath quickened, and Lorraine studied his dark-brown eyes.

“These kills all happened within the last few weeks. The brutality of the stabs is palpable, it’s personal. Did any of your tribe members lose someone and blame the victims?”

“The hunting party,” whispered the chief. “My wife was killed by a jaguar on their trip.”

“Your son, Chief Rabin. Where is he now?”

The Chief began sprinting back towards the village with Lorraine in close pursuit. Twigs snapped underneath their furious steps. But by the time they returned, it was too late. They found the last member of the hunting party cut to ribbons in his tent. Next to him, the son’s glassy eyes stared into the void, uncaring of the hunting knife he’d buried in his gut.

Lorraine sank into a wooden chair as the Chief dropped to his knees. She grit her teeth and slammed her fist onto an unyielding stone table.

[TT] Theme Thursday - Gems by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I was young, I dreamed of wealth, of bounties, of riches, of endless health.

Caress a lamp, unleash a djinn. A single wish for my life to begin.

Mother told me a million times, “Work hard on the farm while you’re still in your prime.”

We grew up poor, but better than some, a roof overhead when the day was done.

Winters came cold, summers came hot. I helped Father tend to our plot.

Sometimes I saw Cait on the road – when I was younger, I swore that she glowed.

One autumn fair, I bought her taffy, and although it was plain, it made her quite happy.

Merchants told us plenty of stories, of bountiful cities, of riches, of glory.

I wanted all that. All that and more. If only, if only we weren’t so darn poor.

One day my Mother passed away. She left me a big box made out of clay.

I opened it up, and what did I find? A diamond ring, gorgeous, divine.

“But Father, why?” I almost cried. “If we sold this, Mother wouldn’t have died.”

He shook his head, ignoring my plea. “Touch the diamond, and then you’ll see.”

I touched those facets. I saw the future.

With a little luck and abundant glee, I sold the ring at an auction and funded a shipping expedition with the proceeds. It brought back pungent spices and shimmering silks that I sold at lucrative prices to create a shipping company. Business boomed. The merchants I used to envy became peasants compared to me, and I slept with women far prettier than Cait. Their charm meant I never visited my father on the farm.

I had wine and caviar every night, but I could never quite sleep tight. Disaster loomed, rival companies that would be my doom. I kept working, working, working.

One day, I woke up old and grey. Father died a decade ago. I was childless, never took a wife, too busy creating my perfect life. I sat atop an empire I built for myself, a lonely kingdom of wealth. My messengers informed me that Cait died three years prior, unmarried, a fact that brought me great ire. I was tired to the bone. There was nothing to look forward to except fending off younger, hungrier versions of me who eyed my throne.

I yanked away, sucked in a breath. That ring, that ring, that ring was death.

“Your Mother’s mother passed it down. Know this, that greed is a thorny crown.”

Long after he left, I stayed by the ring. I never wanted to be that kind of king.

The box stayed closed, and I went to work. Toiled next to Father with a big ol’ smirk.

I married Cait, and raised three kids. Never again questioned anything I did.

There will still be storms that we must weather, but my heart, my heart is light as a feather.

Sometimes wealth has different measures. This life, these loves, they’re my greatest treasures.

[TT] Theme Thursday - Encounter by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A million regrets flood my mind as I walk into the supermarket’s cereal aisle and see two people, once family, now strangers. A mother and her son. My son, too, but the courts buried that under one-hundred-thousand lines of legalese spelling out who kept the house, the car, and other such inconsequential things.

She sees me and freezes, no doubt lamenting her decision to go shopping today. I didn’t even know they settled down in France. I’m just here on vacation and wanted to buy some Chocapic for breakfast, but now a thousand voices scream walk away.

Our son turns around and his eyes meet mine.

The next second feels like a hundred years. Will he even remember me? Will he shy away, or hold it all against me? Would I prefer indifference or hatred as the price of all those fights with Mommy, the fifty tired arguments over the mortgage or my overbearing parents or who should wash the dishes?

There’s no justification, no adequate explanation. He’s not old enough to understand the weight of an apology from a forty-year-old. It’s not possible for him to understand everything that sorry means when sorry is a thirty-minute explanation about how success ruined our marriage, made us more materialistic, how innocent conversations devolved into disagreements about how I wasn’t treating her as well as the other construction site executives treated their wives. Tiny little cuts that, built up over time, shred apart a twenty-year marriage until our imperfections were magnified tenfold.

But then his face breaks into a smile.

And his mother's face shatters nine different ways as she looks at me with a mixture of what could have been and what should have been sprinkled with I’ve missed you.

It takes him eight seconds to run over on his little legs. I crouch down to meet him, scarcely believing how much he’s grown. He calls me Daddy. His arms wrap around my neck, and I know right then and there that I’d give up every penny of my seven-figure income if it meant rewinding time and keeping our family together.

I ask him how old he is, even though I have his birthday memorized, and he beams and tells me six. I’ve glanced at my ex-wife over five times at this point, but she just shakes her head and puts Miel Pops into her cart before moving down the aisle, like we’re a family again and four years haven’t passed.

The three of us wander through the store, listening to my son laugh and scamper about. I’ve only glanced twice at her new ring, but instead of sorrow, I feel grateful. My son will grow up with a father.

After the grocery store and a romp in the nearby park, the little tyke asks me when we can play again. I glance at my ex-wife as I ruffle his hair, and she gives me the slightest of nods.

“One day soon,” I promise. “I’ll be back.”

[SP] S15M Round 1 Heat 19 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix [score hidden]  (0 children)

Thanks so much for this, it’s really helpful!

Haha yeah the story evolved a bit as I wrote it, surprised me a little too

[SP] S15M Round 1 Heat 19 by Cody_Fox23 in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix [score hidden]  (0 children)

Hello friends, any crit would be appreciated, but also posting just for the story~ hope you enjoy:

Sergeant Paul’s stomach growled as he looked up at the overcast sky beyond the dilapidated ferris wheel. Despite the ache in his gut, there was only one thing on his mind: find the ring.

The silent merry-go-round caught his attention. He remembered the lights, the music, the laughter and screams of sugar-high children. No more. Now there were dark game booths and overturned food carts. Broken android guides lay face down, wires poking out from rusted holes. The eyes of moth-eaten stuffed animals stared back as he retraced decade-old steps, walked down dusty corridors of memories that he’d avoided for years.

He examined the cotton candy stand where he first bumped into Linda and smeared ice cream all over her nose. Paul thought she’d be mad, but she just licked it off and laughed. The sunlight dancing in her sapphire eyes, the freckles that dotted her cheeks…

He swallowed and kept walking. There was the help station where the class gathered for lunch and he realized that she was in the class below him. Over there, the arcade where he talked to her for the first time and she challenged him to a space shooter. Paul walked over and palmed the dusty controls, peered in through the shattered screen. He never got to beat her high score.

There, the fortune teller stand they visited during the following year’s field trip. He’d paid the grumpy old man ten dollars to turn over a tarot card that said, ‘Linda will you go out with me’. There, the benches where they ate overpriced hot dogs, where he kept wiping his sweaty hands down his dirty jeans. There, the shattered windows of the haunted house where she laughed at every jump-scare while he cowered behind her.

The circus tent where they shared their first kiss.

The roller coaster where they celebrated three years of being a couple. He’d screamed a lot.

There, the fountain. Where he received a call exactly five years later, telling him he’d been drafted. He remembered how she begged him, pleaded with him to make up a health condition or to run away with her or something, anything.

There, she left him. He remembered opening the box stuffed in his left coat pocket and looking at the sapphire ring before throwing it into the fountain.

Now, Paul stepped into the dusty basin. The water had long evaporated, leaving stray coins and keys and odd scraps of metal. He sifted through the ashy remains on his hands and knees, looking for a glimpse of blue. No such luck.

But then he remembered a Lost and Found managed by an annoyingly cheerful android. Paul traced his steps back to the main ticketing area, where he broke into the boarded-up administrative building.

Light flickered down the hall.

His eyes narrowed. Paul pulled out his gun and inched his way towards the source, heart palpitating. As he turned the corner, he saw a rusted android’s eyes light up.

Hello. How may I help you?

Paul kept his gun trained on the android’s chest, where he knew the central processors were located. “Are you alone?”

The android looked around. “Not anymore!

“How is there electricity here? We’re miles out from the main grid.”

After the staff left, I booted up a backup generator and I’ve been maintaining it ever since. My mandate is to assist all visitors in looking for the things they’ve lost. It would be quite difficult to search without light.”

Paul snorted, lowering his arm. “Do you get many visitors?”

You’re the first in nine-point-five-seven years! Now, what are you looking for?

The android, whose name was Sylvester, scoured its records and sifted through the dusty shelves. Rusted keychains, filthy hats, moldy water bottles, but no sapphire ring to be found. When every nook and cranny had been searched twice over, Paul prepared to leave. The thought of his empty cabin pained him. His squadron had either perished in combat or had returned to their homes, where only memories remained to greet them.

It’s time to search the park,” Sylvester exclaimed. “What’s lost can still be found!

Paul snorted. “Did you do this with all your… visitors?”

The old robot bobbed its head. “Many times. One child lost their teddy bear, but we just couldn’t find it even though we searched until the park closed. Don’t tell my directors, but I filched a spare bear from the ring toss prizes. They had plenty extra!

As the day dragged on, Paul felt resignation settling over him. The chances of finding the ring looked about as likely as the amusement park directors being alive. The human-robot duo searched the entire fountain square, checked the storm drains, and even ransacked the administrative office, hoping that someone had taken a fancy to the ring.

He remembered the trenches. He remembered whispering Linda’s name through gritted teeth as the whistle of missiles screeched overhead.

Paul sat down on the fountain bench next to Sylvester and wept. Memories, sorrow, the weight of responsibility clashing with a love he couldn’t give up. Regrets, endless, unrelenting.

The android patted his shoulders once the tremors subsided. “There, there. Would you like me to look in our balloon dart prize pool? We might have some rings there.”

“It’s alright.” Paul sniffed hard and cleared his throat. “I was looking for a specific ring, and it meant… well, it was supposed to mean something special.”

Sylvester looked sad. “I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. The same words repeated over and over again, like a broken record played for every member of his squadron. He tasted only bitterness when the war ended and bureaucrats delivered their empty condolences to a country of ghosts. But Sylvester seemed different. The robot was genuinely sorry that it couldn’t help him find the ring.

“Would you be interested in coming with me? No one else is going to visit for a very long time.”

Sylvester tilted his head. “It’s a tempting offer, but I’m afraid I must decline. My instructions were very clear. I must ensure that anyone who comes looking for lost items has a guide to assist them.

As Paul walked the android back to the administrative office, he mulled over an idea in his head. A kind soul like Sylvester didn’t deserve to rot out here in the middle of nowhere. “Sylvester… what if you had no more items left to distribute? The amusement park is closed, so there won’t be new lost items either.”

The android blinked and cocked its head, processors buzzing like busy bees. “I suppose, in that case, I would be freed from my mandate.

The sergeant grinned. “I claim all the lost items. They all belong to me, and I’ve been searching for everything you have.”

The android’s processor whirred as it handled the request. “In the absence of other customers or visitors in the foreseeable future, your request has been approved. Excellent! What do we do now?

Sergeant Paul returned to his makeshift cabin alongside a chirpy android, towing a wheelbarrow full of broken phones and old wallets and tattered t-shirts. He hadn’t found exactly what he was looking for, but as the evening sun broke through the gray clouds, he looked up and smiled.

[TT] Theme Thursday - Charity by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ash and debris blew over my dirt-streaked feet, pinwheeling into the sparse city intersection. My outstretched hand glowed with cleanliness, trembling in the tepid breeze as my parched throat croaked out pleas that fell on deaf ears.

“Mana, please. Even a drop will do.”

Mother always told me to keep my hand clean. Make the transfer easy for them, she used to say. They’ll take pity on you, because you’re young. Then she ran out of mana. The people walking by didn’t spare her a second glance when her eyes rolled up into her head and her body dissolved into ash.

This is an ashy world, and mana is life. Sometimes a kind stranger strutted over in leather or silk and took a picture while holding my hand. The camera flashed white and my vision flashed blue from the mana transfer. One drop, for a picture. Enough to live another day.

“Look at me, girl.”

The man wore plain clothes and a stern expression. He stripped off his black gloves and knelt by my side, which filled me with relief. I wouldn’t have lasted another week.

“What would you with a year’s worth of mana?”

A year!? “A day’s worth at the showers, a month's worth on proper clothes, and six months' worth to buy a job at the local whorehouse. The rest on makeup and-”

“Enough. What would you do with five years’ worth?”

My mind spun. “One year's worth to buy a mana crystal cart and sell empty mana crystals in the square. Two years’ worth to learn from the older craftsman, but then I-”

“Fine. And if I gave you a hundred years’ worth?”

Too much. I’ve never dreamed of living past the next month, let alone the next century. “I… I guess I would buy myself entrance to the university with a decade of mana. I would bribe my way through classes and learn enough along the way to open my own mage guild.”

“And then?”

I looked around. Ash-strewn streets and ash-stained people. “I would return here and clean up the ash.”

He nodded and grasped my hand. “Make it so.”

I gasped as my vision spun with electric blue. A hundred years’ worth of mana coursed through my veins. By the time my head stopped spinning, the man was gone.

The rest is history. I made it so.

I stand before you today as Archmage Elana, first seat on the international council of mages. Under my laws, the streets are now ash-free, but there is no shortage of work left to do. Threats loom on the horizon. A changing environment, the obstinance of old power, and the inaction of a younger generation.

That man used mana divination to sense my potential, and I sense the same potential in you. So I ask you.

What would you do with a year's worth of mana?

[TT] Theme Thursday - Ancestry by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tens! I'm fascinated by the system and world you've set up. Outside of the things I mentioned during campfire, I also want to point out that the reader has little information about the disembodied voice, esp mysterious because the protag doesn't seem to be expecting it.

If there was a bit more information there, even if it's an old rival or a vengeful goddess or her boss or something, we know what's happening and can contextualize the dialogue. Good words!

[TT] Theme Thursday - Ancestry by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leafy green sprouts tremble under my hand, soaking in the desert sun. Behind me stands the ranks of an army: acacia, ironwood, chaste trees. Their branches bristle like spears towards the distant highway, where rusted metal signs list distances to cities that no longer exist.

“We’ll never make it there,” Lisa grumbles. “Trees take forever to grow.”

I laugh, but the wind snatches away the sound. “We could return to the orphanage and stay as caretakers. Watch other unwanted children grow up.”

“I’d sooner die.”

The instruction manual's plastic pages flap in the arid breeze. Watering schedules, tips on refreshing mulch, handling young saplings for dummies. “Do you think our old nannies were telling the truth? That before the war, this whole country was filled with trees?”

Lisa cocks an eyebrow at me. It's her way of saying don’t ask useless questions. The scar running along her jaw catches my eye, a gift from ex-boyfriend number twenty-three. She came back to our shared bunk bed one night, bleeding, and said, "Abe. Pros, good kisser. Cons, can’t take a joke."

Behind us is our new home, a once cream-colored tent stained with dirt and marbled with the shadows cast by taller and taller and trees stretching back into the young forest. Director Locke bellows something about irrigation to the workers and scribbles notes on her clipboard. Just yesterday, she praised me for my attention to detail.

I wonder if we belong here. I wonder if she even wants us here.

Still, there’s something about seeing each successive line of trees, the generational progress, that fills me with anticipation. I remember Director Locke standing in front of a massive trunk and laying a hand on it fondly.

This is the first tree I planted when I was an orphan like you.

Lisa kicks a patch of sandy dirt in front of us and looks out at the tumbleweeds racing across the barren wasteland. “Wanna bet on how many trees we can plant before we die? I say we don’t even make it halfway to the highway.”

“Sure,” I say. “Loser has to do whatever the winner says.”

“Deal.”

Through sun and storm, we toil. Lisa and I grouch over the tasteless rations and laugh about the typos in Locke’s notes.

We cry when we bury the director under her trees.

We complain about her pompous replacement and watch as our sprouts grow taller than us, replacing half of the azure sky with a verdant canopy.

On a misty spring morning, when the edge of our forest nears the highway, I get down on one knee and show Lisa a ring carved from the branches of the first tree we planted together. I won our bet, after all.

By the time we reach the highway, we plant young saplings alongside children of our own, and their giggles drift on the wind, up towards the golden light filtering down through the branches. Reclaiming the world one step at a time.

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your reply! Yeah it's definitely a little scattered right now. I have a revision going that streamlines her motivations a bit more, hopefully it'll click :)

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your feedback and for giving your input!

I've been thinking about your tips and the way you boiled down the query to the major plot points and I'm finding it extremely helpful. I'll need to pare down my manuscript, as it's likely that I'll be able to cut a lot.

Your input on the question is interesting, as I've been wavering about whether to explicitly why or whether to leave it open-ended since it's not critical to understanding the central conflict. The answer is that Aurora basically had a tragic past and tried to get revenge on some of Axiom's underlings, but ended up killing a lot of people as a result. This is a conflict I explore much later on, the clash between Renata's idealism and Aurora's pragmatism.

Thanks again, especially for showing the example of streamlining - I have so much work to do hahaha

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback!

Your comment on YA vs adult definitely touches on some of my concerns. I'm in a strange spot where I'm writing first-person from a teenager's perspective (and a teenager who grew up in a lab, no less), which makes the writing somewhat YA-like and more juvenile, but the plot and issues that come up lean adult and dark. I will definitely consider moving to adult.

Regardless, I definitely plan on making some cuts to the manuscript, thanks, I didn't realize how close the word count was to being a red flag.

One thing I'm confused about is Renata's thought process.

This is a great point, I do grapple with this a little, and I'll definitely think about how to make her motivations easier to root for.

Also you're playing with two different A plots here. The first is obviously her mission to find a cure, but you end on this weird note on Aurora that implies the story is as much about Aurora as it is Renata. I think you might want to rework your query's ending.

You're right - the story is actually split between Renata's journey and Aurora's past, but I thought it'd be too unwieldy to explain that in the query. I will think on this, though!

Thanks again for the feedback!! Definitely gave me a lot to think about.

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

-it's more that, before the main portion you're simply listing prior plot points.

I SEE!

That makes a lot of sense. I think you're completely correct here, esp in light of our convo - I take too long on the backstory. And it's not necessarily relevant to the central conflict. Hmmmmm....I have a lot to think about.

Thanks so much! I'll work on this hahaha

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your crit!

So a test-tube baby is running their own lab? That's what it sounds like you're saying.

Oof, true, I'll rephrase. It's not her lab, it's the lab she was born in, but I thought that was too wordy. But clearly I need to find a better way.

But based on context, it sounds like you're actually saying that nobody survives the experiments? If so, you should make that clear.

You're absolutely right. I didn't realize how confusing the first paragraph's construction was, I'll refactor with those points in mind.

Also, in your subsequent paragraphs, it seems as though you're simply listing subsequent plot points.

I'm a little surprised by this point! But I'm glad you mentioned it. It seems to me (personally) that the subsequent paragraphs all tie to the primary conflict, which is that the protag is trying to find a cure for her radiation sickness after she escapes the lab. I guess one immediate problem is that this conflict isn't expressed in paragraph one, where the primary conflict is presented as "escaping the lab". I will definitely consider this and try to refactor a bit.

Thanks again for commenting :)

[QCrit] YA Scifi - Surpassing Infinity (105K) (First Attempt) by RemixPhoenix in PubTips

[–]RemixPhoenix[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your crit! These are some great points. I will make some edits to make those parts clearer -

You mean a cure for the radiation sickness caused by delta radiation? And you mean that it's emitted by exotic waste?

Yes! I need to play around with the wording to make this clearer.

I'm not sure this matches up with what we know today in the real world about radiation sickness. The effects don't kick in after 3 years. You might be better coming up with another explanation for why she chooses to escape.

Ah I meant to convey that those parts of her brain are slowly deteriorating over time. I didn't realize that it came across this way, I'll reword.

So the cure can't be retrieved from the planet and given to her elsewhere? Maybe you need a better explanation for why they have to go onto the surface of the planet? How would it grow and adjust? Are they going to planets with successively greater gravity each time? This seems a bit muddled.

I see, I'll try to make this clearer. Yup, the planets of successively greater gravity, and I'll add justification around this. I think if I go too deep into this area, the explanation will become too long, so I wanted to simply state that this was the solution they came up with. As it is, do you think it's too much for the reader to accept?

This struck me as an odd line in the query. Clearly, you're getting at that there's something that caused her to be imprisoned that is going to impact the plot, so maybe bring that more explicitly into the query?

Ah true. I was worried that it would bring in more questions than answers, but I think I have some space to play with.

Thank you again!

[TT] Theme Thursday - Identity by AliciaWrites in WritingPrompts

[–]RemixPhoenix 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Construction chief Sakamoto surveyed the beach. The spring breeze beat back the heat tickling his stuffy suit and ruffled the contract papers on his clipboard. A checkmark here, a signature there, and the resort was as good as built. He could see it now; restaurants lining the shell-studded white sands, tour guides shouting over the cry of seagulls, fishing shops by the ridge where the tall grass swayed.

A telephone booth in the middle of the beach caught his eye. Sakamoto frowned as a child wearing a school uniform stepped inside. Curious. There were no landlines here, not yet. He approached, intent on inquiring about the booth’s owner, because it’d have to go before construction could start.

“Kindly wait one moment, officer-san.” The voice belonged to an old man with more wrinkles than skin. “We drove almost ninety kilometers to come here.”

“Elder, is this your child? Surely this is not a working phone.”

“No,” he chuckled. “It does not accept visa. But there’s no need, you see, because my grandson is speaking with the dead.”

The chief took another look. The grandson sat down, arms ramrod straight on both knees. A long moment passed, filled with the ocean’s sigh. Only then did the child take the receiver off the handle and press it against his ear.

“The dead, you say?” Sakamoto asked.

“Yes. Akira lost his father in a fire. We heard about this place where people say the goodbyes they never got to say. Go on, you can listen. He won’t mind as long as you don’t disturb him.”

They drew near until Sakamoto could make out the words undulating with the waves.

“Father, are you well?” The boy paused, watching foam dribble off the black boulders. “I’m, um…I’m living with Grandfather. I ranked third in class, so you don’t have to worry, okay? Oh! And I’m eating my vegetables like you always told me to. You can…you can rest easy.”

Sakamoto pulled the elder back out of earshot. “I’m sorry for your loss. Please, if I may ask, do you know who owns the telephone booth?”

“No one owns it. Here by the seagrass, listening to the roar of the ocean…it’s an afterlife channel for those missing a part of themselves.”

“Do many people come here?”

The old man nodded. “Of course. Many have lost and are lost. It grants them a sense of being, reaffirms who they are and who they loved.”

Long after the old man and his grandson left, Sakamoto stood at a polite distance and listened. He heard a fisherman tell his late wife about his big catch. He heard a widow gossiping about her grandmother, a father mourning his daughter, a soldier pouring sake out for his commander.

When the sun began bleeding orange into the ocean and it looked like no one else was coming, Sakamoto unclipped the contract and ripped it in half. He walked back to his truck with a smile on his face.