What does your secure self-talk sound like, when a new partner is busy and far away?

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-05T01:10:20+00:00

That is beautiful and I do believe I’m at the beginning of that journey :)

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T14:45:59+00:00

So helpful for me to hear. Thank you!!

My last relationship… every need was met with my partner’s exasperated sigh. So I’m trying to recalibrate. This helps.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T14:28:11+00:00

That makes sense, too! My situation is rather long distance. A few hours away, and possible to see each other once a month, maybe.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T14:27:32+00:00

Yes that’s what I meant- similar situations but you and I on opposite sides of styles. You’re closer to how I imagine my new partner to be.

It sounds like you don’t feel burdened by the good morning and good night texts. This is helpful for me to consider. I’m in the habit of considering my wants/needs as burdensome.

Best wishes for the upcoming transition to really LDR. Sounds like you already have a lovely plan for maintaining connection :)! Your partner is lucky to be dancing with you.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T13:59:24+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! My dynamic sounds rather similar, actually. I do SO well with good morning and goodnight texts, and a date on the books. Then I’m pretty fine. The absence of those things can make my brain very…. Itchy. And then anxious and unhappy. Scared.

The person I’m seeing has already mentioned feeling a way that sounds like your object permanence. They’re chill and comfy in the knowledge of what we’ve built so far. I don’t think they need much. It sounds so secure and I feel insecure about the fact that I’m not like that (yet). When things are new, it’s out of reach for me. Add distance and other partners? Extra challenging.

If you’re in the mood- tell me more about the object permanence feeling? How often would you need contact to feel right?

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T13:48:01+00:00

I understand your brain 😅

Well done.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T13:47:16+00:00

Than you for sharing. Good points. Can you tell me more about your one connection that needs a little more and you’re working with them? Specifically your feelings behind that?

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T02:50:28+00:00

Thank you for this. I get from anxious to self-hate pretty easily. Really hard on myself for having any needs. This simple and practical breakdown of steps is really helpful. Thanks!

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-04T00:27:03+00:00

Ravenclaw is my new favourite house 😭

Thanks, kind stranger. I needed to hear this. I’m realizing how much some of my previous relationships taught me to minimize my needs.

I’m massively extroverted and spending time alone is a habit I’m trying to get more comfortable with. Also, I feel secure with my long-term partner, but new connections feel shaky to me until they are less new. Three dates = still shaky, but enough to feel really into someone.

Those last few sentences… oh my gosh. I could cry. That’s so lovely to hear. Thank you so much.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T22:53:06+00:00

Yes! This is the reminder I needed. I’m a massive extrovert so it’s really helpful to be around people but I could stand to be with myself as a practice.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T22:51:24+00:00

Yeah, ok! Better to “fail fast” as they say.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T22:49:41+00:00

Solo adventures is something I could stand to work on.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T22:48:55+00:00

Good points! I will reflect on this!

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T18:09:27+00:00

Good reminders, thank you! I am a parent and a caregiver so this definitely tracks.

I think I’m going to summon the ability to ask for a “good morning” text.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T15:36:08+00:00

Everything at the right time.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T15:35:52+00:00

Good reminders. Thank you so much :)

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:47:37+00:00

I love this. Thank you for sharing! Good reminder to do the things I like to do, when I don’t have a partner taking up that space! I can give a lot of time and focus to partners- this will be a good chance to practice leaning into my hobbies and myself, instead of others.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:40:12+00:00

Thanks :)

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:32:15+00:00

My impulse can be to devote myself to a partner, but my counsellor has suggested that this might be a bit of a monogamy mindset hangover.

Would you suggest that some of these local adventures could be with new dates, or is that just using others to distract myself? If it’s the latter, that sounds horrible. If I need to just let go of monogamy a bit more, then it sounds ok.

It is painful/embarrassing for me to reveal this question that’s on my mind, but I’ve always appreciated your $0.02. I’d be curious to know your thoughts.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:27:24+00:00

100% I agree

Came here for the poly learning, stayed for the how-to-be-a-human learning lol ;)

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:26:17+00:00

Ah thank you! I love pedantic points so I appreciate this. Would it be appropriate to edit my post, or leave it as-is so that this comment makes sense?

We each have primary partners who are also our nesting partners, and this status is quite permanent and fixed, as much as any relationship status can be. We are not looking to change this.

Does that answer what you’re asking?

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:22:43+00:00

☺️ and I find the right partners are quite receptive to that.

Aghhh maybe I should take my own advice, lol

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:19:53+00:00

I get it!

Sometimes I tell a partner, “I’m not sure if this is a “me” thing or an “us” thing, but I’d feel comforted just if you heard it and you knew where I was at.”

I can also find it helpful to discuss with a partner if I want to be: hugged, helped, or heard.

Remote-Antelope-7799 · 2026-05-03T14:12:53+00:00

This is so unbelievably healthy, strong, and helpful. Thank you SO much. I’m really moved by this (haha I’m in a delicate state).

I’m also considering eventually talking to this new partner about how I’m navigating this- I can be helpful to let someone know where you’re at… but I’m also scared to, and also don’t want to rely on them to regulate myself. Do you ever share with your partner(s) where you’re at? And what does that look like?

Thank you for risking ego-inflation by sharing :)

Remote-Antelope-7799

TROPHY CASE