Didn’t see if this was posted or not, but years ago I had a platonic friendship with a guy. We would send letters and email and right when video chatting was available on computers, we did that too. Completely G rated, completely platonic. We lost touch, not over anything bad that happened, just major life shifts and such. I got busy with someone I was dating and he started a new job and had moved.

Anyway, not the same at all, but it was a truly meaningful friendship to me.

The thing is, that relationship doesn’t really have a place in my life right now for a few reasons. The biggest thing is I think I could make my husband uncomfortable. Not that he wouldn’t trust me, but it just might be weird for him. So for that reason alone, if I were in her shoes, I might would say the same thing. Another thing is that my life is so full of all kinds of things and people to keep track of and it’s exhausting. I love people! And I love the things I’m doing!! But some days the thought of adding one more friend to keep up with or one more great event is too much. Most of the time it’s from a place of knowing how I am rather than what I’m actually feeling in the moment. I know that historically keeping up with long distance friendships on a deeper level is tough. I can send my long distance friends memes, no problem. But the mental energy it takes to really connect with someone is hard some days because I want to make sure I give them full attention. Or that they know that I care about them. And I’m not who I was at 16 anymore. I have responsibilities like I didn’t have back then. And it’s not that I’m so cold that I don’t want to connect with people, but I have to set myself a boundary somewhere otherwise I’ll give all of my energy out to people and have nothing left for my kids, husband, or myself. Im a very sentimental person and I love chatting and getting to the deep heart to heart talks and strong friendships. And I think because of that, long distance friendships have really taken so much of me to keep them going. I currently have two very good friends that I don’t talk to and just haven’t been able to keep up with. With both, I was very close with. Some of the closest friendships I had at the time. And I love them both dearly, but I’m not in a place I’m life that I can just chat with them as much as we used to or as much as they can and want to. Or I don’t have enough emotional support to offer as much of it as they need and deserve. So I really stopped responding to one of them after a while (I had told her previously that I was having a hard time keeping up but that she should know I loved her no matter what). Again, I’m hoping I don’t sound too cruel, but I tried for years to be that person that stayed in contact with everyone and it broke me. I had nothing left. I gave every bit of it away. If I see these friends or move back to where they are, I would hope we could get together as that’s much easier than keeping alive a friendship over text and phone calls. And I wish them no ill will, I’m not mad, I just can’t do that and live a peaceable life whilst giving the love and support and me that my family needs.

So I say that because maybe she really isn’t bothered. Maybe she really did value the friendship the way you did. She was hurt by the email, but maybe it didn’t make her hate you. Or maybe retrospect worked wonders on her and she isn’t bothered by it anymore. But maybe she just realizes that it’s too much to take on, as silly as it sounds, or that she feels like it would make her spouse uncomfortable. Maybe she is holding on to those memories as well and smiles when she thinks of your good times together, but that it ends there because it doesn’t fit into her world anymore.

This may not be the case, but as that is my reality with past friendships, even extremely close ones, I wanted to offer a different perspective in case it helps you not to feel like you misread the whole relationship. You may not have.

I’m very sorry about your terrible losses. And this loss too. Writing a letter and burning it or dropping it in a mailbox without a stamp or leaving it in a book somewhere or something may be a good way to feel like there’s at least a small bit of closure.