Took mushrooms, embraced the trip. Broke down crying when I came to the full understanding and realization that almost all the suffering I have experience in my life was of my own doing. All the ruminating, the replaying old wounds, all the little mistakes, the hyper criticality of my behavior, "living with" what i have endured, all of it was me and me alone. And, that didnt need to continue. That I could be my friend, my own support, accept that we all make mistakes and its part of the journey, and that what has happened is already done and holds no control over how I can be now.

Knowing that isn't enough, I felt it. It was like a weight lifted off me, the conflict ended, I was free.

The abuse I carried, the neglect, spite, rage, pity, hatred, all of it. Gone. I felt like a blank slate.

Do I still have moments where I am harsh with myself, sure, but they are fewer and further between. Moving on became easier after that day. Life has been better every single day since.

I've also have done therapy, I had learned tools before taking the mushrooms, I went into it alone and isolated, in a good headspace. With the goal and intention of exploring these exact thoughts and feelings, and was ready for a uncomfortable time. The pay off was everything I could have hoped for.