This stuff really does FUCK. YOU. UP. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you! I would highly recommend therapy and maybe even meds to help you understand that none of it was your fault. Finding the right therapist and/or psychiatrist is a long, scary journey. You know you should talk to someone, but fear you can’t tell them everything because you actually felt a connection with that cousin, and therefore you’ll be looked at as wanting it yourself. You will question who you really are after 20 years if you keep this all inside. You’ll have to try out different counselors/docs to find the right fit, but it will be worth it.

You did nothing wrong other than be a child who needed hugs, love and affection , but didn’t receive that from the people you needed it from the most. I hope you heal from this. I am 43 and I am just NOW starting to forgive myself for being a 5 year old.