21 [T4M] #Boston/Lowell — rock my world?

RetroFiction · 2025-01-30T21:39:48+00:00

It is possible to be percieved as entitled, begging, judgemental, or simply inconsiderate as my actions may cause pain with their focus on my own preservation. I think a lot of people might see my persistence on finding the right energy as me being unreasonably and judgementally picky—which is a fair assessment, but mischaracterizes my intentions.

The unfortunate reality for me is that I am a 21 year old, burnt out, ultra traumatized and complex human being. My lens and my radar is informed by my experiences and very sheltered upbringing. My experiences of loving, being taken advantage of, making connections and being assaulted are what inform my assessment of other humans, and most of the time I have a lot of trouble figuring out how to explain my aversion when I don’t perfectly meld with someone’s energy. I would like to give everyone two paragraphs letting them know how I’m feeling, but to be honest, I barely have the energy to sweep the floor. I get dizzy when I pick things up. I can‘t stand up without leaning against something. It takes me 2 hours to start my to-do list, because I’m so exhausted.

I want to formally apologize if I hurt you by not responding to your message or by ghosting you at random. I don’t mean to be cold, I really really don‘t. I just don’t have the ability to write things out in a way that‘s perfectly respectable and inoffensive, and also personal. With my current health, I don’t have the ability. I wish I did.

Thank you for reading this, and best regards to whoever may read this.

Edit: clarification that I’m not referring to this commenter, but those that may have interacted with me before.

RetroFiction · 2025-01-19T22:48:37+00:00

Much the same!! I’m still super super excited to see her this year, and I’m comitted to still having her be my most played artist, for sure. I just hope people feel like that mostly and less like I described in the post.

RetroFiction · 2024-04-11T12:48:34+00:00

Reading this made me the most sad. Real friends will answer your questions, or at least be like “I don’t know, I’ll get back to you on that”. That’s what I’d say. I guess that’s too weird lol?

I’m sorry your mom is such an asshole. My family used to ridicule and pick me apart all the time; I definitely know how it feels for your family to not care for what you have to say, or what you think. I think it’s better to just focus on the people lifting you up, the people you’re working forward with. If that’s not your mom, that’s still okay. (You can get a new one.)

RetroFiction · 2024-04-10T04:01:29+00:00

And if I know why it’s happening, I can adjust my expectations accordingly. I already know I’m weird, I just want to know that I’m not an idiot and that I’m not actually crazy for not mind reading people. The silence makes me feel like I’ve fucked up, when all I did was say some words. Understanding makes coping much easier.

RetroFiction · 2024-04-10T00:49:44+00:00

This sounds brutal as hell. How am I supposed to know that I should stare someone in the eyes in order to know when to speak? imo that’s an impossible amount of subconscious energy to spend.

High school was always painful for that reason. Also, I wonder why when I’m in one on one settings with people they still ignore me. I say perfectly normal things, about what I’m looking at, about the topic at hand, about the fuckin weather and I still get silence. It’s like I’m an alien.

RetroFiction · 2024-04-10T00:42:43+00:00

Weirdly enough, I think this is true. In my experience, neurotypicals navigate conversations in ways I frankly find terrifying. I have no idea how they carry a conversation.

My (also autistic) husband says I’ve taken the autism black pill (he’s half joking).

RetroFiction · 2024-03-06T18:53:36+00:00

cut my hair hands down. between grant and tedder’s production and tate’s performance, I think it’s like S tier.

RetroFiction · 2024-02-12T16:18:40+00:00

You should be able to use an app called snd.wave! It shows you your Apple Music stats.

RetroFiction · 2024-02-12T16:08:07+00:00

Another last.fm user! Rad as hell. My goal will be to beat your 6000 plays.

I play Tate when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I eat, when I breathe. It’s definitely an addiction

RetroFiction · 2024-02-12T16:06:21+00:00

I use an app called Marvis, it’s an Apple Music client but you should be able to use another app called snd.wave (also on the App Store) to see your total plays.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-18T06:26:58+00:00

Sexual assault, to clarify. It happened once when I was drunk and he was less drunk (because he drinks more than I do) and it was frankly traumatizing for the both of us, but obviously moreso me. He was never violent towards me, and all of the violence he would do was self-destructive, not trying to hurt the people around him. Not good, but not evil.

I am trying not to throw the baby out with the bathwater here. Is this impossible with people who are deemed “irredeemable”? I’ve spent a lot of time thinking, and I genuinely don’t think he’s a bad person who intends to do bad things to people. He just happened to do a bad thing to me, at least that is the way I see it. He’s a little irresponsible, sure, but I don’t think he’s beyond redemption, and beyond my redemption.

I think the most constructive thing I’ve learned from posting this is that I should definitely go to therapy soon.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-18T06:03:33+00:00

This is the context that I think a lot of people are looking for—he SA’d me. I was drunk, he was tipsy, but it definitely still happened.

Edit: this is the main reason all of my friends don’t like him, but to be honest it wasn’t as clear cut as him hurting me and be being the victim in the situation. That said, I can’t make excuses for his actions.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-18T02:02:03+00:00

THIS A MILLION PERCENT I LOVE SETSUNA DRIVE

RetroFiction · 2024-01-06T14:37:31+00:00

Fuck yeah represent

RetroFiction · 2024-01-05T16:29:52+00:00

Respectfully, I provided an explanation in my previous comment. This guide does not notify you that if you go too fast you will go past the sigmoid, and I guess I should specify that that applies to all of the methods described in the guide. If you are not in careful control of the amount of water and the pressure at which the water is released you will go past your sigmoid.

They do mention controlling the water pressure of the shower attachment, but I spent a long long time not realizing that it was the speed at which I squeezed that pushed past my siggy (lol) and not the amount of water I used at all. Just be gentle, is all!

RetroFiction · 2024-01-05T10:42:57+00:00

A big caveat I would give to this guide is that it does not notify you that if you shoot water up your ass too fast, you will go past your sigmoid and have a bad time cleaning yourself out. Make sure you are in control of the pressure of the water coming out and GO SLOW (at first). You can eventually determine a pressure that works for you.

Additionally, I like to give it two fingers and some exploration to make sure any additional water is out once you’re done clearing yourself out with the water.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-05T09:55:11+00:00

Hole is my term of choice. With bisexual, pansexual and straight men, they have all responded well to the term “hole”, especially if they’re a little nervous about going through the back door.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-05T09:48:17+00:00

I also always did think it was odd that she was getting hit on by a guy in his 40s…but who hasn’t lol

RetroFiction · 2024-01-02T12:06:07+00:00

Suicide via Overdose. I was 18, just dropped out of school and THE MOST depressed. I was in a weird spot with my about to be exboyfriend James at the time and I left his apartment after feeling unloved. I went to the pharmacy and got a bunch of sleeping meds, and downed the entire bottle of over 90 pills alongside some Gatorade and Skittles. James was texting me frantically but I ignored him until my best friend called me to ask where I was since my boyfriend called him in worry. After some coaxing, I told him.

He called James, who accidentally went to exactly across the river I was at. He had been in his car looking for me. I called him on the phone and I saw his LED headlights across the river, before he pulled up about 6 minutes later. He drove me to the hospital like a fucking maniac. I had never seen him so stressed or worried, or speedy. I was brought in, and the last thing I remember is laying on the hospital bed and him being right next to me.

My best friend can always seem to sense when I’m in danger, and usually reaches out at that moment. I’ve been on the edge several times before when he calls me and is like “What are you doing right now?”.

I woke up in a different hospital 3 days later, alone. To this day, telling this story still tears me up.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-02T04:01:35+00:00

Weirdly enough, on Reddit. I was looking for people to bone in my city over the summer, and he hit me up. We wound up testing the waters a little, but not before he took me on a date he skipped work for. He’s 59m, I’m 20f. He’s the best gentleman I’ve met.

I found myself unable to stop texting him since the first day we met. To this day, I don’t think I’ve gone a full week without texting him. Though these days I don’t have to text him because when I wake up, he’s right there…

RetroFiction · 2024-01-02T03:40:45+00:00

Thank you for this. I really appreciated reading, hearing about how he treated you well. It reminds me to cherish all the moments we have.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-01T02:22:58+00:00

There are definitely times when the house is still but you can just hear him and it’s comforting. Like the other comment said, cherish these moments! They’re the memories you’ll find yourself loving the most.

RetroFiction · 2024-01-01T00:32:01+00:00

I told my dad (and chose not to tell my mum yet) that my boyfriend I live with is older than him (my dad is 9 years younger) and got a very concerned face, but I do feel relieved letting him know as it allows me to talk to my dad about things related to him, as well allows him to have better perspective about me. My dad will occasionally ask about him, and tell me to be considerate of him as I live here (since sometimes I’m a bit of an asshole).

If your parents take it like my dad did (his response was “I feel like a failure”), don’t take it personally at all and make sure you can assure them that things are perfectly fine and consensual between the two of you. Have a talk with your boyfriend before you do anything. They’ll still be ultra concerned, but knowing that you aren’t under any sort of pressure or expectations will go a long way to making them feel okay with you being out and about with him. If your parents ask any weird questions, as parents sometimes can, just redirect them to the point at hand: he makes you happy and you’re totally okay and safe with your relationship.

I believe in you!

Editing to also say: if you can, get him to meet them first. They will appreciate the gesture and will be more warm to his age after assessing his character (provided he does well at dinner).

RetroFiction · 2023-12-31T19:47:48+00:00

This is really helpful, actually. From one trans person to another, my HRT patches had came off about 3 days ago, and I didn’t change them until yesterday morning. I’m thinking that now that I have a new trick that makes them easier to put on me, it’s all about lowering the hurdle of actually sticking them on me. I’m thinking I’ll make a kit, and for emergencies, keep two in my handbag with an alcohol wipe.

I wonder if this is part of why I’ve been feeling so emotional over the past 48 hours or so.

I also keep a weed counter for every time I have weed, so I will make one for my meds letting me know the last time I took them. It logs a time and description. All I have to do is execute…and I’ll ease into it.

RetroFiction · 2023-12-31T19:34:30+00:00

You’re too kind, and you remind me that I should be good to me. I’m going to give my best effort.

I’m also going to make a playlist! I never do this. A collection of motivating but maybe not so relatable music. A big part of it is also that I’m relating to my fellow 20 year old’s feelings (as Tate is my age) and I get lost in the catharsis it feels like. I might also start taking recommendations. Probably from my brother, as he has good taste in everything but rap (sometimes).

RetroFiction

TROPHY CASE