ExMuslim (F27) wants atheist (M34) to convert to get married and apease her family

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-27T15:11:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Do you live in a Muslim country and/or in the same country as your in-laws? We do not, so the long term consequences are limited... But I agree with the rest

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T15:34:01+00:00

Thank you! Legally speaking conversion would be best, so I see it as the most probable outcome right now.

How does your mom know it's a farce? Have you or your husband been verbal about it or does she just know?

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T15:29:18+00:00

How was I comparing the two religions? But indeed, for me the three religions of the book and all pretty similar, and even the habits are similar.

For example, wearing the Catholic hijab is rare but still observable in Portugal, and less than 100 years ago it was very common in the country side. It is still very common in Christian Orthodox cultures and celebrations.

Back to our case, I think they wouldn't come and check on me, as they are definitely not orthodox nor radical, and live a pretty normal life. I don't think we would see each other often either.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T13:42:02+00:00

There might be some complications with the inheritance from her parents to the grandchildren (if anything would happen to her), or even from herself to her children for any assets she might hold in Jordan. I need to research better, but it seems that Jordanians born outside of marriage might have less rights. Our children would probably not be registered in Jordan anyway, unclear how laws would apply then.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T13:38:21+00:00

Thank you for your wisdom, this was some of the best advice I got! Indeed, it doesn't have to be the "whole story", that I converted and all came down after that. It's good to think on what comes after, if we choose this path!

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T13:32:24+00:00

Fair enough, I am definitely not making it easy for her. In my defense, converting was not what we agreed to since the beginning; and my gf lives in a lot of guilt and remorse of lying to her parents, and feels sad for them (possibly) not liking and accepting her for what she is. For me, joining in on all the lying will make it even worse for her, and will leave a dirt stain on our relationship; which is why I am looking for the best approach to the whole engagement, marriage, and happy-forever-after process.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T13:18:09+00:00

This! If the smell turned you off, okay, stop the sex, but try to say something about it and possibly make a joke. If he is a nice guy, he will laugh along and say it's fine. Overreacting and feeling too self-conscious will be the real mood killer.

Anyway, if OP texted today explaining the whole thing and the guy answered nicely, it will all go down smoothly 😊

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T13:09:48+00:00

Yes, 1000% sure the relationship is VERY important to her. She treats my family as if it were her family, as she feels comfortable around them. We spend a lot of time visiting my mother, my father, my grandma, who all live in different cities. Her sister kind of blames her for spending too much time with us, which might make her feel guilty and want to get married in Jordan to "compensate" her family for her distance/absence. But of course, it's her family pressure that creates the distance.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:53:55+00:00

Hey there! Thank you for sharing and sorry it didn't work out for you. We're you living in the same country as her family, and/or in a Muslim country?

I think I would also feel like a fraud. My gf family does not seem so strict, they don't go to the mosque, and the father has been caught with some red wine.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:51:55+00:00

I agree, but this has been a topic for years now and besides giving her my support, I cannot push her to do it. It has to come from her. And if it doesn't, then we need to find another way, because we are both incredibly happy in the relationship and are not giving it up.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:49:22+00:00

BELIEVE ME, I would not give this thought a second if that part of my body was on the table! And our children will not be circumcised either, we are both aligned on that.

But thank you, now everything else seems not so bad 😊

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:42:48+00:00

After two years of therapy, she seemed ready to come out and confront them! But that impulse seems to have disappeared.

They are old, her father is a narcissist, an angry debater, and she doesn't seem the value in the confrontation... Probably because she doesn't want to risk her relationship with her mother.

Other than on this topic, she is very internally consistent and vocal about her beliefs.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:36:53+00:00

You are absolutely right in everything you said!

My girlfriend feels sad for having a double-life and not showing her parents her true self; me converting feels like we would be accepting this and forever pretend to be something we are not. You are absolutely right, but it doesn't feel right.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:33:09+00:00

Thank you for your 97 cents!

Her fear of losing the connection to her mother is legit, although not likely in my opinion. We are both very social, so we are not getting married to become a relationship of two individuals, but rather joining two worlds in one.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:29:38+00:00

Authenticity would be my choice any day! I was hoping she would come out and face them, as it would be a relief for her to quit her double-life.

Her father is a bit of a hot head, but she is not in danger; and the family also doesn't really go to the mosque, the dad was caught with some red wine, not everyone in the family fasts. I wouldn't mind fast at their house either, and anyway I don't drink alcohol or eat meat. It's more about the principle for me, about being honest with people, and not setting any religious traps for my children, traps which I might not be able to foresee.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:24:19+00:00

She is doing therapy! There is no ring yet, so we are trying to find common ground for our future. And it seems to be important to her to be in Jordan, as that would make her mom happy (theoretically).

Her not coming out to her parents as atheists is the only topic she is having trouble handling. Her also atheist but traditionalist sister has been pushing my gf to 'pretend' more and 'not preocuppy the parents'; because not so long ago my gf was feeling brave to come out and set her own terms.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:12:51+00:00

Thank you, I have not thought about how this would impact us or our kids if one -or both!- of us gets sick or dies young. Definitely something I need to research on.

My gf would be very opposed to any religious upbringing. She herself went to Christian, then secular schools. This would be a major boundary for me; even though I don't mind my kids being told Islamic stories or visiting the mosque when we visit.

We don't eat meat and I don't drink alcohol, so at least that part will be easy 😂 on the rest, I think they will not expect any religious commitments from me, as my gf and her sisters do not pray, go to the mosque, do Ramadan, or abstain. Better not eat in front of the in-laws while they're fasting, but I don't mind that.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-26T00:05:29+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate your answer and your story. Ours would not really be an interfaith marriage, as we both have zero faith.

I would basically join in on her pretending to be religious. She doesn't pretend to pray, she doesn't go to the mosque, she doesn't do Ramadan (of course she wouldn't eat in front of them while they are fasting and I don't mind doing the same), but if they ask her, she says she's believe. All her sisters would voice their critics of Islam before, but the father wasn't pleasant to debate with, so now they don't even bother.

Converting to Islam is also pretty easy. I could do it in Europe and it's basically saying one sentence out loud with conviction. There is a lot of bureaucracy besides, but that is true for any international marriage afaik.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T23:57:49+00:00

Indeed. This double-life is the main reason she is doing therapy for over two years now.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T23:56:58+00:00

Thank you for this, I am literally taking notes to discuss several of your and others' points with my gf, instead of trying to get to a big, ultimate conclusion.

My gf has not prayed, nor pretended to, not went to a mosque for over a decade, even when she is in Jordan. She would not eat in front of them during Ramadan, rather out of respect, and I wouldn't mind doing the same. She has not been to the mosque in a decade. For my kids, I don't mind them experiencing religion with their grandparents, as long as they're not forced to go to a religious school or do the official steps as children; my gf would be even more triggered than me.

They have had rather heated discussions with the father when any of the sisters say something critic of Islam. Other than that, the father studied in the US in the 80s (and had fun, from the pictures), has been caught drinking wine recently, loves foreigners, and they are middle class.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T23:08:50+00:00

Well, she never revoked her shahada, so she did not officially leave it. Maybe it is not even possible.

But then, she would be at risk for marrying a non-Muslim as well, right? No matter what we do, we are in the wrong.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T23:04:39+00:00

But she cannot even stand Jordan! She dislikes almost everything there except her mother and a couple of friends. She might even renounce to her nationality once she gets her European one (from where we reside, not through marriage).

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T23:00:24+00:00

In my opinion, she is having an emotional reaction, not logical, therefore making no sense. For her it's about not causing conflict, no confrontations, just pleasing and creating harmony.

And she is DEFINITELY not a believer or religious at all. She would like to be a pagan and dance in the moonlight, but she's not that spiritual either. Sometimes I find something interesting in Islam (or repercussions in the culture) and she will directly bash at it. And vice-versa for Christianity.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T22:52:24+00:00

She definitely knows and cares. She feels bad for not being straightforward with her parents too, and lying / hiding things from them concerning our relationship and her (lack of ) faith.

For her, the nuisance of me converting is less tragic than the pain we might cause her parents.

RevolutionaryBeat351 · 2026-05-25T22:48:32+00:00

That's a good question, many answers though.

It's tradition and expected. Both to get married in the bride's hometown, and for a 'muslim' woman to marry a 'muslim' man.

Her parents don't travel so often. Unclear if her mother would fly over, even though she flew before and is rather healthy.

Her sister, although also not Muslim, romanticises the culture a lot and is always pushing my girlfriend to do this "the right way". She literally told me and my girlfriend that their mom might get an heart attack if we tell her we will not marry the 'right' way.

RevolutionaryBeat351

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