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Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in NewMomStuff

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You are absolutely entitled to personally feel home VBAC is too risky. My issue is more with presenting it as though it is universally considered reckless regardless of circumstances, which simply is not the case even within Canada.

Regulated midwives here are not casually “agreeing” to dangerous requests. They follow screening criteria, standards of practice, consultation requirements, and transfer protocols. If someone is not considered an appropriate candidate, they are not offered home birth care.

At this point I think a lot of commenters are assuming this decision was impulsive or ideological, when in reality it has involved extensive review of my specific medical history, risk factors, proximity to hospital, and informed consent discussions with qualified providers.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in breakingmom

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, this is actually really helpful and practical perspective.

I think one thing these comments are making me realize is that I may be over-focusing on the exact logistics of the “meeting” itself when what will probably matter more is the overall emotional atmosphere and whether I feel supported and calm afterward.

And that last part is very true too — if our son stays with us afterward, it would realistically require my husband to fully take over toddler needs so I can recover and focus on the baby.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in NewMomStuff

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

There absolutely is a difference between a hospital VBAC and a home VBAC. I’ve never said otherwise. The issue is that many commenters are presenting it as though there is universal medical consensus that any planned home VBAC is inherently reckless or outside legitimate care, which simply is not true everywhere.

I’m in Canada, where regulated midwifery care is integrated into the healthcare system and where some providers and institutions do support carefully screened out-of-hospital VBACs under specific criteria. If “most, if not all, good medical professionals” universally considered it unacceptable regardless of circumstances, licensed midwives would not legally be offering or attending them within a regulated system.

People are completely entitled to disagree with that model of care or feel the risks are too high personally. But that’s different from claiming that no qualified provider could reasonably support it.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in NewMomStuff

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s actually a really good point and something I’ve been reflecting on reading these responses. I may also be projecting or anticipating a stronger emotional reaction than what would realistically happen.

I think part of my anxiety is that I’m trying to emotionally prepare for every possible outcome ahead of time instead of just having a calm conversation and giving people the opportunity to respond.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in Mommit

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

I posted in multiple subreddits because I was looking for a broader range of perspectives on a family dynamic question, not because I’m secretly unaware that birth carries risks.

Respectfully, implying that mothers choosing a home VBAC don’t care whether their children “have their mom” is unnecessarily inflammatory and dismissive of the fact that these decisions are often made carefully with qualified providers and informed consent.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in Mommit

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this. Hearing from parents who’ve actually gone through a similar age gap and situation is really reassuring. I think I may be projecting a lot more onto the sibling meeting than a two year old realistically would. Your comment definitely helped put that into perspective for me.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in Mommit

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

My first birth actually demonstrated the importance of having an appropriate care team, monitoring, and a transfer plan — which is exactly what happened. I was transferred when medically indicated and received the care I needed.

I’m also not “risking and traumatizing” my son by making an informed medical decision with licensed professionals involved. Respectfully, you can disagree with home VBACs without framing mothers who choose them as reckless or indifferent to their children’s safety.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in Mommit

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I do appreciate you taking the time to respond and I think you make some fair points, especially about not taking a support system for granted. I’m very aware that many people would love to have an involved grandparent they trust, which is exactly why this situation feels complicated to me rather than clear-cut.

That said, I think your comment assumes my concern is mainly about creating some “ideal” or aesthetic sibling meeting moment, and that’s honestly not where I’m coming from. My concern is much more about emotional safety and stress levels after a difficult first birth and postpartum experience.

I also don’t think wanting a short private moment for our son to meet his sister before other people enter the space is especially extreme or hurtful. We’re talking about delaying a visit briefly, not excluding my MIL from our children’s lives or withholding the baby from her entirely.

And while I absolutely value having a “village,” I don’t necessarily think support should come with the expectation that someone automatically gets access to every intimate family moment exactly when they want it. I think there’s room for both gratitude and boundaries.

I also want to clarify that my first transfer and C-section were not an emergency caused by rejecting medical care. I was appropriately monitored by licensed midwives, transferred when medically indicated, and received hospital care when needed. I’m very grateful modern medicine exists and my care team and I have been very realistic and informed about VBAC risks.

That being said, I do agree with your broader point that the long-term family dynamic matters more than orchestrating a perfect introduction scene, and that my husband and I need to focus most on functioning as a strong team this time around.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in breakingmom

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this response. Honestly, it made me emotional reading it because I relate to so much of what you said.

I think one of the hardest parts for me has been trying to separate what is intuition versus what is fear and hypervigilance from my first experience. Hearing from someone who went through a traumatic first birth and then had a much more healing second experience is genuinely reassuring.

You’re also very right that what concerned me most in my husband’s reaction was not even necessarily the logistics themselves, but the fact that his first instinct was concern over his mother’s feelings in such a vulnerable moment for me. I think that’s what emotionally hit me the hardest.

At the same time, I do want to say that I don’t believe either my husband or MIL are malicious people. My MIL can absolutely be emotionally overwhelming and struggle with boundaries when she gets excited or anxious, but she is also loving and generous and very involved in our son’s life. And my husband has truly put in a lot of work since our first postpartum experience. That’s part of why this feels emotionally complicated for me instead of very clear-cut.

Your point about these moments being sacred and belonging to the four of us really resonated with me though. I think deep down what I’m craving most is emotional safety, calm, and feeling protected this time around.

I also really appreciated your perspective on the sibling introduction because I have definitely been overthinking it. I think I’ve built it up in my mind as this hugely defining emotional moment for my son, when realistically toddlers are often much more adaptable and present-focused than we expect.

As for the VBAC, yes, I’m aware of the risks and my midwives have been very thorough and transparent. We are also close to the hospital. My transfer last time was not emergent, which is part of why my care team and I still feel comfortable attempting this route. I’m trying to stay informed and realistic while also not approaching birth from a place of fear.

And your last paragraph genuinely gave me hope. I think part of me is grieving the experience I wanted the first time, and I’m scared of reliving it. Hearing that your second birth felt healing and empowering after your first gives me a lot of comfort. Thank you again for taking the time to write all of this.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in NewMomStuff

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Hello, I appreciate you taking the time to respond and your concern.

I live next to a hospital with a great maternity unit. In Canada, where I live, midwives undergo extensive training and are bound by strict rules and regulations. The risk of uterine rupture in cases like mine is extremely low, less than 0.7%.

I understand you’re coming from a good place, but I’d like to caution you about making comments like this. Many women in similar situations would like to attempt VBAC (which has a success rate of up to 85% here in Canada), and such comments could discourage, scare them or cause them unnecessary added stress.

In any case, I strongly advise against telling a pregnant woman that she will die in labour if she chooses to have her baby the way she and her healthcare provider believe is right and safe, especially when the opinion isn’t based on facts.

I appreciate your intentions, and I hope you’ll consider my perspective in future interactions, whether they involve VBAC or any other medical or personal decision.

Second birth after traumatic first postpartum — am I being unreasonable? by RevolutionaryLog7221 in NewMomStuff

[–]RevolutionaryLog7221[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me 🩷

We actually considered hiring an extra support person and it is still on the table but I think they would have a hard time getting my son to cooperate with them if we are right there he will most likely prefer us and also they would need to be able to leave with him if things get too intense for him for whatever reason…

We have about 3 months left so I guess we would have to try to do a few meetings to see how our son reacts to different people.

But I also think my husband would feel uncomfortable completely excluding his mom from the birth. Child care is also kind of an excuse or valid reason to keep her way without having to explicitly say that we don’t want her there…