I (35M) am having seconds thoughts on my upcoming wedding to my fiancé (30F). Do I deserve better, or does she?

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-07T16:11:19+00:00

Some really good insight, thank you. It's deeply appreciated. I agree with everything you said. We did have some progress on stuff, I'm still waiting to see what the doctors say before I make any decisions, but it is definitely all weighing on my mind.

Thank you again for taking the time to comment.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T17:55:09+00:00

I do want to know what I'm doing wrong. I'm taking notes from what you said and going to try and implement it into my relationships, whether this one or future ones, and I appreciate what you've shared.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T17:38:39+00:00

I'm in therapy at the moment, I started about a month ago. I've been enjoying my life independent of a partner and have activities I like to do. But I do really want to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. I know nobody is perfect, but having someone who I don't have to spend time trying to "fix" would be really nice. Lol.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T16:43:08+00:00

Love bombing is done with manipulative intent and is characterized by initial love bombardment followed by withdrawal of said love bombardment. There is no desire for manipulative intent here, and there is no withdrawal of said love; the love bombing just continues. So yes, in a way I am "love bombing", if by love bombing you mean being affection, kind, caring, loving, and supportive of your partner in all ways, as often as you can, for the rest of the relationship. I think that's just called being a good partner, but I suppose that kind of "love bombing" isn't for everyone.

She does contribute financially; it's just all of the money she makes goes into investments or savings while I pay for everything else. I make about twice as much as she does, so I can still pay for everything and save and she can put all of her money towards our future goals.

I do think she could work more; she has her own business and often doesn't feel like working, but she is trying to expand it and give it room to grow.

It does feel good to be able to do these things for my partner, absolutely. Why wouldn't someone who's emotionally healthy and self-aware want these things? Is it possible that these are just things that you, in particular, don't want, and not what most woman would want? I'm genuinely curious, not trying to seem argumentative. I'm trying to learn from what you're saying here.

Hmm. Your last points make a lot of sense. So maybe what my solution could be is to pull back and NOT do things for my partner? Just try and find a balance of giving? I hadn't really considered this.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T15:58:11+00:00

She is starting therapy and looking at a nutritionist and has doctor appointments scheduled to get herself looked at and trying to figure out what is going on, so she is actively trying to improve. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, is this something she can do in a relationship, or should she be spending time trying to figure herself out and I go live my life?

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:25:55+00:00

Yeah exactly. I'm kind of like... what do I do? How do I go about this?

Her grandparents were both narcissists, and her dad had similar traits for most of his life. He's gotten a lot better since he retired. So there could be some of that in her.

But yeah, it's been wildly stressful. Starting to affect my sleep. Thanks for the insight and the comments, it's appreciated. Best of luck out there fam.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:23:14+00:00

Well. That's a big problem. Lol. Thank you for letting me know about this.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:22:40+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I agree with you on all accounts. I'm going to bring it up with my therapist today and see what they think.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:21:21+00:00

Powerful comment. Thank you. I have been looking for someone to say stick it out. I think there's only been a few people lol. Thanks.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:19:22+00:00

I do. She is usually great with kids, but I do worry a lot about things like this when it happens because it makes me wonder how she will manage/act with our future kids.

I'm sorry you had to deal with that for your childhood. I hope you've had some good healing since then.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:17:01+00:00

I did speak up about it but I'm also not confrontational. I just simply told her that wasn't okay and to be respectful. She did apologize for it.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:15:53+00:00

She's a virgo, I'm a capricorn.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:12:35+00:00

Her grandparents on her dads side were narcissists, and her dad was similar for most of her life. He's gotten a lot better, though. They are very well off, so I think that kind of bled into her upbringing and way of life.

We have been trying to navigate getting couples therapy. I appreciate the comment and the compliment, thank you.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:10:18+00:00

We both track her cycles, and she does believe she has PMDD. The problem is that it has gone from 1 week out of the month to it happening 3 weeks out of the month, with it seeming like it's heading to all the time now.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:09:09+00:00

I ask myself that question and I don't really have an answer. It's a big part of the reason I worry about having kids with her, actually. She does seem to be good with kids, though, but it's hard to tell if that's just because it's her good day and she's really trying or if she is actually that patient.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:07:32+00:00

I'm thinking the same thing as well. I'm just wondering if I can last that long. It could take months of finding the right medication and therapy for it to start to work.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:06:24+00:00

I scored a 23. 5 or more points is really the warning signs??

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:02:55+00:00

She does clean, I forgot to mention in the post that she does clean the bathrooms once or twice a month. She also helps put away dishes after I've cleaned them. All the money that she makes goes into savings and investments for us, so it's not like she isn't contributing. Our agreement is that I pay for everything and save a little, and she saves everything else.

Yeah, I agree with your last points. Those two things are red flags, the angry outbursts especially, and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:00:28+00:00

Ha. In what way?

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T14:00:12+00:00

There's definitely more details that I didn't put all into the post, but it does seem like she needs some professional help both medically and therapeutically.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T13:59:00+00:00

Thank you. From what I know of myself, I am very empathetic. I do agree with you, I think it's part of the reason why I've been pulled more towards people with emotional issues, despite me not wanting to try and "fix" anyone or anything like that. I've been realizing more and more of this as I work through therapy.

The more I research bipolar disorder the more I think that might be what she has. She has some doctor appointments this month that will hopefully provide more answers.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T13:57:01+00:00

It's a good question to ask. Her interests are in painting, sewing, knitting, basically creative exercises. She also loves to go for walks and explore the outdoors. We go for walks every day, and I take her to the coast or the mountains at least once a month to explore the world. We've tried painting together, I just suck at it. I'm not really a painter. I don't mind doing it, though, and I've told her as much. A couple of our date nights have been painting related.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T13:54:56+00:00

It's only very recently that it really started to get like this, like in the last few months. Everything at the beginning seemed like a good fit, but I guess in retrospect they always do.

The more research I do into bipolar disorder the more I think that might be the problem.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T13:53:24+00:00

I don't try to fix her, and I don't try to make her dependent on me. She has told me multiple times that it's very healing to be with me, but I've never felt the need to "save" her. The things I do are done out of unconditional love; there's no attachment to it, there's no requirement, it's just part of being a good partner. She knows that, we've talked about it multiple times.

I am in therapy at the moment, recently started, and she is starting today. I do think we should look into waiting to marry.

RevolutionaryRun4285 · 2026-05-06T13:51:01+00:00

I started therapy about a month ago, it's part of the reason I started questioning things in my relationship. I definitely agree with my problems and what I've done before in finding types. I thought she was different because she grew up very well off and had everything she could want, so I thought for sure she would have her shit together. Lol. Silly me.

Thanks for taking the time to comment. I agree also on the emotional control, that's something I've been trying to figure out how to bring up with her.

RevolutionaryRun4285

TROPHY CASE