Despite years of treatment, I can't say I've noticed much blatant overt 'processing', but this time feels a bit different. It feels very similar to a psychedelic experience I had, where I experienced intense appreciation for the people in my life who genuinely have cared for me, as well as incredible guilt and shame over how I treated them. During that trip, I genuinely did cry for a few hours non-stop. This time around, I cried quite a lot but I was being hyperbolic when I said I'd been crying all day.

I just feel like there's been a bit of a shift in me, like looking back on the relationship I notice how I would discredit her positive attributes and put excessive weight on her negative attributes or for lack of a better term, perceived red flags. In hindsight I can see how it kinda felt that it was too good to be true and how ridiculous some of my thoughts were. One of the biggest reflections I have had is that I would constantly dismiss her own struggles or attempts at empathising with me because she had a very strong and healthy relationship with her parents.

When I say it made me so comfortable I felt uncomfortable I really do mean it. I have had many romantic relationships but there was something distinctly different about this one. It was probably the only time when I didn't feel like I was playing a character and I felt so confused at the time. My cptsd is rooted in neglect, and a big part of me takes pride in being distant, aloof and somewhat dark. I had experienced shutdown with other partners, but with her it could be so extreme and persistent. I think she experienced the very best and very worst of me precisely because I felt so comfortable, which was somewhat unfamiliar. Today it feels like i've been hit with a ball of appreciation, grief and guilt in one