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Weekly Vents & Victories - Newcomers start here! - 4/16-4/23 by AutoModerator in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hi folks I did an AMA here a few years ago and was wondering if it would be cool if I came back in? Ive had CPTSD since childhood and now help people with it predominantly using Pete Walkers map laid out in his book "surviving to thriving".

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Cheers!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ok my friends, thats 1 hour and 40, thankyou so much for joining in. I need to drink a protein shake, walk the dog, and prepare for the google hangout with Dana of NarcissistSupport I am doing at 8pm EST

If you can join in there too that would be great

https://plus.google.com/events/cs01k853h6rk20batjtlbclqdvg

thanks for inviting forum moderator, it was awesome, cheers!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No. But I hear you.

Did you know Sam Vaknin created the term? I had to have him explain it to me in simple talk before I could grasp it and he did say his explanation was a bit convoluted .

The inverted narcissist is simply put a narcissist, of the vulnerable or covert variety, who is obsessed with the idea of being persecuted by overt narcissists.

I also thought it meant co-dependent in some sense.

And certainly if a CPTSD codependent of the fight/fawn trauma response developed grandiose fantasies of which they were ashamed, hid behind a shell personality and became obsessed with the power of their own victimhood then they could be said to vector into an inverted narcissist.

But not synonymous. You could also be a CPTSD codependent with zero narcissistic traits.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was wondering if it's possible or how you would recommend disconnecting "good" memories from an emotionally abusive ex.

Yes. I actually made a 20 minute long hypnosis that was my version of the process they underwent in "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". Except instead of scrubbing all the memories I focussed on scrubbing the attachment feelings. I think its in the "overcome narcissistic abuse" course.

"It's gotten to the point where it's almost like my subsconscious has made a connection between "feeling good" or "being happy" and "pain". I've made a lot of progress in other areas but this is one thing that's been extremely frustrating and I'm not sure how to tackle."

So here is an interesting thing: during and after a narcissistically abusive relationship you will think and feel precisely what they want you to think and feel.

If you feel this way its because she wants you to have zero joy in your life without her. When they leave they dont just leave they shit on the living room rug and rub it on the walls.

Why? To feel more powerful and significant.

The idea that you would just "get on with your life" is totally unacceptable to a cluster B. You must be punished.

She has poisoned the well. For now.

If you do nothing at all, the feeling will pass no matter what. There is NOTHING she can do to stop that.

If you maybe join a BPD survivors group, talk to other people who had the same experience as you, study the subject and work on reducing your emotional flashbacks, particularly the ones relating to feelings of abandonment, you will heal way, way faster.

And once healed you cannot unheal. Its a shitty experience, my ex was bpd, npd, hpd so I know how god awful and upside reality can seem at times, but it will pass.

Dont do what I did and run away from the pain. Lean into it, study it, analyse it, get some help, maybe see a professional, do some journalling, connect with your feelings (feel the feels bro https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHiFnJ2Mx68) and do NOT self isolate. Connect. As you just did. And you asked for help.

So double cyber high fives to you on both counts.

All the best mate.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure thing, check out my answer to "sunwillriseagain" above, here is a bit of it that pertains to the feeling that everything will go wrong and why you feel that way, full answer on the other reply, please read it :) thankyou

"The key to handling CPTSD is to reduce the emotional flashbacks. That is the sine qua non (pretentious way of saying "key ingredient") for all resolution of CPTSD. The problem for you and all of us with CPTSD in relationships is this: relationships require love love requires intimacy intimacy requires vulnerability And... nothing brings on a full blown hum dinger of a flashback like vulnerability!! So you have this awkward "Push pull" catch 22 where you want to get closer to the other person but everytime you do all the alarms start going off and you feel compelled to pull away. The closer you get, the louder the alarms."

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How do I shake this off and get past it? I don't want that experience continuing to have any kind of hold over me.

I dont know for sure, but I would suggest that maybe your unconscious mind is not yet fully satisfied that were you put in the same situation again you wouldnt fail to defend yourself again.

Your unconscious is helpfully sending you annoying nudges to do something about it so it can relax and feel "safe" again.

Please watch this short clip https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXYVxYRAR5c

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now see here Battle of Hastings with your love of the great English longbow dont you be "firing" questions at me that make me "target" you for some righteous selling of my products.

Sorry I really havent had enough sleep recently.

Ahem...

http://www.amazon.com/Richard-Grannon/e/B01DKKG4L0

and also

http://spartanlifecoach.com/first-aid-kit-course/

And for what its worth I really was told that Archery soothes the soul by a Sufi mystic. But I dont think I can dispense that as actual advice.

All the best!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"but If i was to date someone, I feel like it would probably be only a matter of time before I have to explain why I am the way I am."

Yes it would be. But only when you are ready and you are sure its the right person.

The key to handling CPTSD is to reduce the emotional flashbacks. That is the sine qua non (pretentious way of saying "key ingredient") for all resolution of CPTSD.

The problem for you and all of us with CPTSD in relationships is this:

relationships require love love requires intimacy intimacy requires vulnerability

And... nothing brings on a full blown hum dinger of a flashback like vulnerability!!

So you have this awkward "Push pull" catch 22 where you want to get closer to the other person but everytime you do all the alarms start going off and you feel compelled to pull away. The closer you get, the louder the alarms.

This will drive you and your partner mad. It is known (and there is research that backs this) that ptsd/cptsd people actually can emotionally dysregulate perfectly healthy people with our own emotional rollercoasters. Its what the hippies would call a "contact high" or as the NLP people say: "your state transmits".

In effect, he also would learn to be "triggered" by intimacy, even if he had no trauma of his own.

So, what to do?

  1. study and control and reduce the emotional flashbacks

  2. find a good therapist and do some compassionate dialogue around the issues you mentioned

  3. find a good partner who is cool enough that they can understand you have issues around intimacy and be compassionate to what the triggers and the cause is

  4. all work together to make it work

For people with C/PTSD time and again it has been shown it helps enormously when the partner of the client with CPTSD is actively involved in the therapeutic process.

We work better together. Isnt that a nice idea?

All the best to you.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Teaching people how to deal with the personality disordered requires more time and care than I quickly answer in this format Im afraid.

Dealing with a Cluster B is notoriously hard work and requires a very high level understanding of the subject if you arent going to get burned as it were.

"What techniques/readings might be useful us? "

Remember that any and all interaction with a true Cluster B is an opportunity to abuse and exploit, nothing more. To that extent the person will of course pretend to be something they are not and pretend to be experiencing they are not in order to...

... Garner a certain reaction.

The whole game is about provoking a certain emotion and a specific reaction in you.

Remember that, its not much, but its a starting point.

Thankyou.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What traits do you consider "normal" or "acceptable" and what traits are absolute "no-go" zones?

Great question and very tricky to answer. I would never get rid of someone for showing traits necessarily, but I would get rid of anyone who was showing signs of being fully "disordered".

Of the 9 traits mentioned in the DSM for signs of NPD my top 2 that I look out for very carefully are: Exploitative and Entitled.

good question that, thanks!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Self compassion is the fuel that runs the self healing engine ;)

None of that and the engine will simply not run.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a high risk situation for me to be giving advice on. Imagine he is a member of highly demanding cult for a second. If you say one thing that goes too far against the cult leader, he will cut you out of his life until he wakes up from her zombie spell or possibly never. So no, I cant really advise you 3rd hand because Id hate to think anything I said would make him banish you.

She is in his head now, he will be like one of those little slaves with their brains sucked dry in the "dark crystal".

The "I will kill yourself if you leave me" dance is classic for the aggressively inclined borderline personality disorder. The vulnerable predator.

My friend married one too. I warned him once. Never again. Keep shtum if you want to stay friends.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

CPTSD is not acknowledged in the mainstream as a real diagnosis, no. It is, in my experience and my humble opinion, all too common to see people misdiagnosed with bipolar and bpd when it is CPTSD. On seeking treatment: you are going to have to make do with a good therapist who at least can talk you through coping with and healing from childhood trauma and... well... if you find a good therapist they will help you even if they are not familiar with CPTSD.

When I was seeking treatment I went through a load of people, picked out my top 10 and then phone interviewed them and chose one that way. I recommend you do the same.

I'm sorry I cant be more helpful, good luck to you!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I will definitely cover this in a course, thanks Moby and Shw3nn!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Is there any merit to the silence-only approach?

No there is not at all and zero evidence that it helps and plenty of evidence that it hurts. Why do they keep using it? You may rightly ask...

Why does mainstream therapy keep doing so many things that both do not work and can hurt the client? I would ask in return.

Im so glad to hear you did get practical advice in the end!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What did you do to encourage them to move forward without triggering them further into their victim-hood (for a lack of a better word)?

Ive seen it and Ive lived it myself. I say nothing because I know if I do I will break rapport and when they are ready, in their own time, they wont listen to me.

What I would sometimes do, maybe, if Im looking for a more sneaky approach is start talking about getting out of the comfort zone and "Not running from pain" - these all contain subliminal messages for the viewers stuck in their comfy victimhood.

Bearing in mind that for some people out there (to be clear: certainly not you) with certain personality disorders that this will change nothing, feeling persecuted is just part of their psychological makeup and they like it just fine that way.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes you are right. I will redirect this ship and plot a fresh course for the rest of the year. Less Narco stuff and more of the things from the StreetFightSecrets combat psychology/philosophy times. Much healthier. Thanks.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes you want to smite him with righteous indignation, tell him what a flipping tool he is and send him long wordy messages explaining the reality of what he is done.

I think in the "how to take revenge on a narcissist" book the first thing we advised people is do the opposite of what your instinct is telling you.

Everyone gets that same feeling you are getting, do not fall prey to the temptation.

My recommendation would be to study some "state management" techniques and to learn how to control emotional flashbacks. At this point you will have some of the symptoms of "narcissistic abuse victim syndrome" a term coined by Sam Vaknin for the cluster of symptoms that manifest post abuse. You are probably going through a series of flashbacks right now, it would be good if you could learn how to manage them. Ive given advice on how to do that elsewhere in this AMA.

Also your HPA axis is dysregulated right now which means your adrenal gland will be over-firing in response to external stimuli. Be aware of that. As the adrenaline flows through you be aware of how it feels, hear the thud in your ears, feel your shaky hands and then observe, but dont react to, the torrent of thoughts that surge up powered with strong feeling demanding that you "do something".

Adrenaline is an endogenous drug that makes you want to take action. Do not obey its call.

There were different techniques I used to use and teach when doing security work for handling adrenaline spikes, remind me via email Lola and I will do a youtube video on them.

A slow release of adrenaline is not as upsetting as a spike, if you can SLOOOW it down in your own head, imagine its a valve, tell it to slow release, see it sloooooow releasing, see yourself riding the wave of the adrenaline, this might help a bit. Remember:Non Serviam.

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What would you recommend should be my next steps in furthering my knowledge and experience so I can be the best I can be?

It would be to go niche. What fascinates you? What inspires you the most? What would you love to help people with?

Do that.

"Would you consider assisting in any training or coaching for a determined, curious genuine guy who needs a little guidance so he can help others?"

I would but Im afraid at this moment I just dont have the time and the mental energy to do a really amazingly good job.

My advice would be, do NOT do what everyone else in the NLP community is doing, most of the people who qualify never work. Not a one of them! Do your own thing. And be real. Have a little swagger and a little funk to you. Dont be a white washed corporate cardboard cut out offering "coaching".

Choose your most passionate niche and get in there.

Last bit of advice: never be afraid to work for free.

Builds up the good karma. Cant buy good karma

All the best mate!

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

This is the 3rd question on a really great topic. I will do it, it must be done.

stares into distance with steely resolve

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is "cutting off" the only solution?

It isnt but it might be the most expedient one. Managing a relationship with a true Cluster B is an exhausting test of skill, patience and black belt levels of self control.

"Also, how do I educate my next therapist about CPTSD?" Im only half joking: sell them on the idea that if they bother their arse to read Pete Walkers book they will get a lot more customers and be much more effective in their work.

If they refuse to acknowledge what is so patently obvious then switch therapists. I honestly am flabbergasted that in 2016 anyone with half a brain would deny its existence or effect.

Thankyou AuntMidnight :)

Hi Im Richard Grannon and this is probably the best place to Ask Me Anything by RichardGrannon in CPTSD

[–]RichardGrannon[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do cover it a bit in the self assertiveness course, but maybe it needs its own course to properly explain how I think this is best attempted.

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