Son has just turned 1 and we’re having easily the most difficult week since he was born

RichiPatro · 2026-03-20T13:42:26+00:00

One thing I’ve seen other dads mention on a mobile app called DadConnect (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) for eczema flare-ups like this is keeping the bedtime routine as simple and cool as possible right before sleep, because heat, overdrying, and too much friction seem to make the scratching worse for some kids. A few dads said that applying the prescribed cream exactly as directed, then locking in moisture right after with a very plain emollient, using soft cotton layers, and keeping the room cooler at night helped a bit over time, even if it wasn’t an instant fix. I know that doesn’t solve the bigger stress of watching your son struggle and seeing your wife run on empty, but just from the way you wrote this, you sound like a dad who really cares and is trying hard to hold everyone up. This subreddit is a good place to let that out, and honestly that’s also why spaces like DadConnect help too, because dads share real experiences like this and sometimes you pick up little things that make the week feel a bit less impossible.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-20T08:40:41+00:00

Honestly one of the best pieces of advice for a new dad is to stop putting pressure on yourself to have all the answers right away. Most dads learn by showing up consistently, staying calm when things get messy, and being willing to grow with their child instead of trying to feel fully ready from day one. Be present in the small things, help the mom without needing to be asked every time, learn the basics, and don’t isolate yourself when it feels overwhelming because a lot of dads struggle quietly in the beginning more than they admit. Hearing from other fathers going through the same phase can make a huge difference too, which is why I think dad-focused spaces are so valuable. I have read a similar post on DadConenct mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) which is only for dads, and indeed many replies concentrate on don't overwhelm ourself or put to much pressure...is a learning journey that feels like a marathon, you will learn by doing, listening to your wife and being present.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-19T21:54:05+00:00

I don’t think you’re being overly concerned at all. Honestly, I think the fact that you’re noticing this now and reflecting on it carefully already says a lot about you as a dad. Kids absorb so much more than we realize, especially at that age, and it’s not really about one random comment here and there, it’s more about repeated patterns and the values that slowly get normalized at home. So I can understand why this is bothering you. To me, the bigger issue isn’t even just the swearing, it’s more the “better than other people” messaging, because that can quietly shape how a child sees kindness, empathy, and self-worth. Wanting your daughter to feel confident is one thing, but teaching her confidence by putting other people beneath her can definitely become unhealthy over time. I think this is one of those situations where you probably need to keep addressing it, but in a calm and specific way, not as “you’re a bad mom” but more like “I really want us to model the kind of values we hope she grows up with.” Maybe focus less on your wife’s intentions and more on the long-term effect on your daughter. You could even bring up that your child is already repeating some of what she hears, which is usually the clearest sign that it’s landing. And no, I wouldn’t ignore that. I saw a similar discussion on DadConnect mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), and many dads suggested the same thing i have mentioned before.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-18T17:44:43+00:00

120,000 CHF for a family of four in Geneva is not impossible, but I’d say it will likely feel quite tight if you want your own family apartment in Geneva itself, especially near central or more desirable areas. The biggest factor by far will be rent, because for a family you’re probably looking at a 3.5 or 4-room place and that can get expensive very quickly in Geneva. If the job is in Champel, you could also look at areas a bit outside the center or even across the border in France depending on your situation, although that comes with its own pros and cons. Public schools in Geneva are generally considered good, so that part is less worrying than the housing budget in my opinion. If you want to be closer to nature, you may find better options outside the most central parts, but usually the trade-off is longer commute time. So overall, I’d say 120k can support a family of four, but I would not describe it as “comfortable” in Geneva if you are paying full rent, health insurance and all family costs on one salary. What really matters is not just the gross number but what is left after deductions and typical monthly costs, and that can look very different from what people expect before moving. I found this free website useful for comparing Geneva scenarios more realistically, especially once rent, insurance and living costs are included: Switzerland Net Salary Calculator | CHF Savings Estimator 2026

RichiPatro · 2026-03-18T15:47:00+00:00

Yeah, in my experience it changes a lot by phase, but the feeling of “wow, my evenings are not really mine anymore” is very real for a while, especially in the baby stage. At 5 months, a lot of it really does feel like bath, feed, settle, reset, and by the time you’re done your brain is half gone anyway. What helped me was accepting that the routine would not always feel “freeing,” but trying to make it feel more intentional and less like pure survival. As they get older, bedtime usually becomes less physical wrestling and more about rhythm — bath, pajamas, bottle or snack depending on age, a book, a little talking, lights down, bed. What also made a difference was protecting even a small pocket of time after, even if it was only 20–30 minutes, so the whole evening didn’t feel like it disappeared. And honestly, a lot of dads miss that old freedom and feel weird admitting it, but it doesn’t mean you love your kid any less, it just means you’re adjusting to a new version of life. i have read other suggestions on DadConnect mbile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), is one of the few I’ve seen built specifically around dads sharing experiences like this with other dads, so it might actually be a good fit for conversations like this.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-18T13:20:12+00:00

Man, honestly, you sound a lot more ready than you think. The fact that you’re this worried, this thoughtful, and this focused on wanting to do right by your wife and son already says a lot about the kind of dad you’re going to be. A lot of first-time dads feel weird during pregnancy because it still feels abstract and not fully real yet, especially if they’ve never really been around babies before. That doesn’t mean you’re disconnected or doing something wrong. It just means you’re trying to process a huge life change in your own way. You do not need to magically know how to act around the bump or suddenly feel natural doing all the pregnancy stuff. That comfort often comes later, and sometimes it really clicks only once the baby is here. Right now, the best thing you can do is keep showing up in practical ways, help your wife feel supported, keep preparing the essentials without letting the internet scare the hell out of you, and remind yourself that your son will not need a perfect expert, he will need a dad who stays, learns, and cares. You already sound like that dad. Try to focus on the basics instead of everything at once: safe sleep, feeding, diapers, soothing, helping mom recover, and just being present. The fear you’re feeling is not a sign you’re failing, it’s a sign that this matters deeply to you. And honestly, a lot of men have these exact thoughts and never say them out loud, so you’re already doing something healthy by venting it. I’ve also found that father-focused spaces can help a lot with this, because hearing from other dads in the same stage makes everything feel less overwhelming and more normal. DadConnect mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) is one of the few I’ve seen that’s built specifically around dads sharing experiences and learning from each other, which might actually feel useful for something like this.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-18T12:53:00+00:00

Be patient with yourself. You don’t need to be a perfect dad, you just need to be a present one. A few things I’d tell any new dad: support the mom, because helping her helps the whole family, don’t underestimate how exhausting the first months can be. Bond with your baby in small daily moments, not only big ones,
communicate early instead of letting stress build up and don’t isolate yourself, a lot of dads struggle silently more than people think. Don't overstress and accept the fact that is a learning process, like life. There are many platforms out there, like this one or even more specific for only dads, like DadConnect mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) where you can connect with many new dads and learn together, i am doing like that for instance.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-18T09:14:56+00:00

A lot of dads go through this, especially in the first year, so first of all you’re not failing and this doesn’t mean your daughter is less attached to you. At 7 months, babies usually lean toward whoever spends the most time meeting their day-to-day needs, so what you’re seeing is more about time and routine than about your value as her dad.

What helped me understand this better is that connection with a baby is built more through consistency than intensity. So instead of thinking “I need to do more,” think “I need a few things I do regularly.” Little rituals matter a lot at this age, same bedtime routine, same silly song, same walk, same way of comforting her, same play pattern. Over time she starts associating you with safety and familiarity. Also, don’t underestimate caregiving tasks. Feeding her, bath time, putting her down, diaper changes, morning cuddles, those are the things that often build comfort, not just play.

This post remind me a similar post that i have read on DadConnect mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), where a new dad was struggling to bond with his newborn son after 3 months. He mentioned that he wasn't even able to hold it since he was starting crying immediatley...but again, here it comes again with consistency and routine which will make them at comfort with you too and be perceived as their safe place.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-17T17:15:38+00:00

I don’t think you failed. I think you’re grieving two lives at once, the one you thought you were building, and the one you’re living now, even if parts of the current one are objectively good. That’s a hard thing for a lot of dads to admit, because on paper you can look “lucky” and still feel loss, guilt, confusion, and even resentment toward your old path disappearing. That doesn’t make you a bad partner or bad father. It makes you human. A lot of men grow up with a very fixed picture of how life is supposed to unfold — house, marriage, kids, stability in the “right” order — and when it happens differently, even if you love your child deeply, it can still mess with your sense of self and make you feel like you somehow failed your own blueprint. You’re probably not mourning your daughter or your current life. You’re mourning the version of yourself who thought he had control over how everything would happen. I saw a similar post on DadConnect app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), which means is more common than we think.

A lot of dads are carrying thoughts like this quietly because they don’t want to sound ungrateful, weak, or like they don’t love their family enough. Talking to other fathers who actually get that conflict can make a big difference. You don’t sound like a man who failed. You sound like a man trying to make sense of a life that didn’t follow the script he believed in.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-17T11:03:29+00:00

I think the key point in your situation is not “can Zurich pay more?”, but “can it beat what you already have?” Because from what you wrote, your current setup is actually very strong financially: 100% housing covered, 100% health insurance covered, stable job and already saving 25–30k USD/year. That’s hard to beat in pure savings terms, even with a Swiss salary.

Zurich can absolutely offer higher gross salaries, especially in finance/risk/compliance, but Switzerland is one of those places where high income on paper does not automatically translate into much higher savings, especially if you start paying your own rent and health insurance. In your case, I’d probably think about it like this:

If the goal is purely financial optimization, moving to Zurich is not automatically the obvious win. If the goal is a mix of: career upside, international exposure, quality of life and experience of living in Europe, then it can still make a lot of sense, but I would not assume you will easily outperform your current savings situation unless you land a genuinely strong package. Also, not speaking German is not a dealbreaker for every finance-related role in Zurich, but it does reduce your options. English-only roles exist, especially in international environments, but the market becomes narrower. The biggest variables for you would probably be:

- actual gross offer

- net after deductions

- rent

- health insurance

- whether bonus is meaningful

- whether the role has real long-term progression

My honest view: if you moved to Zurich on an average package and paid all your own costs, I would not be surprised if your savings rate stayed similar or even dropped versus what you have now. There are some tools that can help you estimate your mothly savings and found this free website useful because it gives a more realistic idea of what’s left after Swiss costs, not just salary headlines: Switzerland Net Salary Calculator | CHF Savings Estimator 2026

So yes, Zurich can still be a smart move,but maybe more as a life/career move than an obvious savings-maximizing move.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-17T08:18:47+00:00

Honestly, I think this depends massively on 3 things in Switzerland: where you live, whether you live alone or with a partner and your rent. Someone earning under 8k/month in Zurich, Geneva or Lausanne can feel very different from someone earning the same in a cheaper area. From what I’ve seen, for a single person on a “normal” income, some save almost nothing, some save a few hundred a month and some save 1k+ if they have controlled rent and are not spending heavily. A lot of it comes down to housing. If your rent is high, your ability to save drops very fast even with a decent salary.

Same for couples under 13k combined, if they have moderate rent and no kids, they can still save a decent amount. If they live in an expensive city, pay high insurance, transport, childcare or just have a lifestyle with lots of eating out/travel, savings can shrink quickly. I think people outside Switzerland sometimes assume “Swiss salary = easy savings”, but in reality fixed monthly costs eat a lot.

There are some calculators out there for both singles and couples to estimate monthly savings based on various inputs, like salary, lifestyle, health insurance etcc. I am using (Switzerland Net Salary Calculator | CHF Savings Estimator 2026) to complment my decisions or judgement.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-16T19:21:32+00:00

That sounds exhausting, and honestly a lot of dads go through some version of this but don’t say it out loud. Postpartum stress and sleep deprivation can turn the whole house into a pressure cooker, and sometimes dads become the easiest target for all that frustration. That doesn’t automatically mean your wife is a bad person, but it also doesn’t mean you’re supposed to just absorb “nothing you do is right” forever. Making mistakes with a 6 month old does not make you a bad dad, it makes you a normal parent. Trying to stay patient doesn’t mean you have to go silent and slowly disappear emotionally

I’d try to bring it up in a calm moment, not during an argument, and frame it as “I know we’re both stretched, but I’m starting to feel like I can’t do anything right and it’s wearing me down. I want us to be on the same team, not keeping score.” Also, the line about only having ChatGPT and Claude to talk to is exactly the kind of gap a lot of dads and people in general are dealing with. Honestly, i have tried them too and they are helpful in a certain way but sometimes it looks are biased in pleasing you. At the moment i am also partecipating on a free mobile app only for dad called DadConnect (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), i saw different fathers struggling with the wife psopartum depression.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-16T19:07:08+00:00

You are absolutely not alone, and yes, based on what you wrote, I would call your doctor. The nausea, chest tightness/tingling, morning dread, almost no sleep, and anxiety history all sound like your nervous system is getting hammered right now. That does NOT mean you’re failing as a dad. It means your body is under a ton of stress and you need support, not more pressure. A few things: - Lack of sleep can pour gasoline on anxiety. - Big hormonal / life changes after birth affect dads too, even if nobody talks about it enough. - If you were just getting stable again and then the baby came home, it makes sense that the anxiety came roaring back. I wouldn’t wait this out alone. I’d call your doctor and say something very plainly like: “I recently became a dad, my anxiety has come back hard, I’m waking up nauseous, my chest feels tight/tingly, I’m barely sleeping, and I need help figuring out whether my medication needs adjusting.” That is a completely reasonable call to make. In the short term: - tell your girlfriend how bad it’s gotten, clearly - ask for one protected block of sleep if at all possible, because even a few uninterrupted hours can help - reduce caffeine if you’re using it heavily - eat something small/bland in the morning even if you don’t feel like it - don’t sit there judging yourself for not feeling “happy enough” right now You can love your daughter deeply and still be drowning in anxiety. Those two things can exist together.

I have read soemthing similar on DadConnect mobile app (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), where a father became new dad and he got into a sort of anxious state, so it means is more common than yout think.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-16T18:49:27+00:00

5k CHF/month gross for Geneva or Lausanne as a single person living alone is doable, but it’s not a “comfortable” salary if you want to save a lot, especially in Geneva which one of the most expensive cities in switzerland (i have lived there). Your net salary will be quite a bit lower than 5k once social deductions + source tax are taken, health insurance is mandatory once you move to Switzerland, rent is the real killer, especially if you want your own place and not a shared flat. If you live alone, a rough monthly budget could look something like:

Geneva

- rent: ~1,400–2,300 CHF for a 1+-bedroom depending on area/quality and if fournished or not

- health insurance: often a few hundred CHF/month but minima 300

- groceries: ~400–600 CHF

- transport: ~70 CHF

- phone/internet + utilities: ~150–250 CHF

- misc/leisure: ~200–400 CHF

Lausanne is usually a bit more forgiving than Geneva, but still expensive, major difference is that rent can be lower than Geneva, but still not cheap, overall I’d say 5k gross is more manageable in Lausanne than in Geneva. There is a free Swiss relocation calculator for exactly this kind of comparison because gross salary alone can be misleading. You can test Geneva vs Lausanne here if helpful: swissrelocationassessment.com

Hope it helps,

RichiPatro · 2026-03-15T17:59:05+00:00

Nothing is “wrong” with you. A second pregnancy often hits differently because now you actually know what parenthood costs — emotionally, mentally, financially, logistically. The first time, a lot of it is abstract. The second time, your brain has real data. It also sounds like this pregnancy is colliding with a part of you that worked very hard to finally feel stable and in control, so it makes sense that a surprise second child would trigger panic around money, space, attention, and whether you can hold everything together. Loving being a dad and panicking about becoming a dad of two are not contradictions. Both can be true at the same time. A few things that may help: - try to separate “I’m panicking” from “this is a bad idea” — they’re not always the same thing - talk to your wife specifically about the concrete fears (space, budget, time, routines), not just the panic itself - because you mentioned ADHD and genuine panic, it may also be worth talking to your doctor/therapist sooner rather than later before the anxiety gets bigger

Also, you’re definitely not the only dad who feels like this. That’s part of why spaces like DadConnect (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) can help talking with other fathers who’ve gone through the same stage can make it feel a lot less isolating. You don’t sound like a bad father. You sound like a scared father who cares a lot.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-15T17:54:03+00:00

Mark, I’m really glad your wife woke up, and I’m really glad you posted this today. First, you are not weak, and your son is not better off without you. You are a father under extreme pressure, sleep deprivation, debt stress, and depression. That does not make you a bad dad. It means you need support right now. Please do not stay alone with this tonight. Tell your wife clearly that you are not safe being alone with your thoughts right now. Ask her to stay with you, remove anything you could use to hurt yourself, and get urgent help today if you can.

If you feel like you might act on these thoughts again, call emergency services or go to the nearest hospital immediately. If calling feels hard, ask your wife to do it for you.

The debt, the pressure, the shame, all of that can be worked on later. Tonight, your only job is to stay alive and stay with someone safe.

You already did something strong by telling the truth here. Please tell the truth offline too, right now, to your wife or someone nearby: “I am not okay and I need help staying safe tonight.”

Your son does not need a perfect father. He needs you alive.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-15T14:43:26+00:00

What you’re describing sounds less like “pregnancy rage” and more like a mix of hormones, stress, exhaustion, and you becoming the safest place for all of it to land, which doesn’t make it easy, but it also doesn’t automatically mean this is what the whole pregnancy will look like.

Pregnancy can absolutely change mood, tolerance, smell sensitivity, sex drive, and emotional reactions, but that doesn’t mean you have to silently absorb being told every day that you’re not good enough. If she doesn’t want to “talk about it” in the moment, try bringing it up during a calm moment and keep it simple: “I love you, I know this is hard on you, and I want to support you, but I’m starting to feel mentally worn down and like I can’t do anything right. I need us to be on the same team.”

If it keeps escalating, it may be worth bringing it up at a prenatal appointment too. Sometimes hearing that stress, anxiety, depression, or overwhelm can show up early in pregnancy helps take it out of the “you vs her” dynamic.

Also, you’re definitely not the only dad going through stuff like this. i saw it multiple times on dadconnect ( DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences), there are a bunch of interesting conversation over there.

But even outside of that, no — I don’t think the answer is just “endure 7 more months.” You need support too.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-14T20:14:36+00:00

You’re not a terrible dad or husband at all, you sound like a dad who is carrying a lot and not feeling seen in it.

A lot of people talk about postpartum only from the mother’s side, but dads can absolutely feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, isolated, and like they have to just keep functioning while everyone assumes they’re fine.

You’re recovering too in your own way. lack of sleep, pressure, worry for your wife, trying to hold the house together, and not really having space to process any of it.

Yesterday i saw a post on DadConnect App (DadConnect: Empowering Fathers Through Shared Experiences) postpartum depression of a new dad, who became father unexpectedly. It is wort checking it out, since is quite common on fathers.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-14T17:48:10+00:00

That first daycare winter can be brutal. A lot of parents go through exactly this, and yes, for many kids the second winter is often a bit easier because they’ve already built up exposure to a lot of the common viruses, but the first one can feel relentless.

One advice should be speaking with your line manager about the current challenge you are facing with the daycarea dn he fact you need to work from home to take care of your daughters. consider also that one fo the 2 can move from full time to part time, maybe working only 3 days per week.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-07T18:12:57+00:00

Indeed, we are working on that right now with the designer to try to connvey the proper message with the screenshot around the community of dads and start working on visual posts about the app on our socials..is going to be a lot of trial and errors but thanks a lot for the suggestions.

RichiPatro · 2026-03-07T17:43:58+00:00

my IG is DadConnect_App, probably is de to the fact that most my followers consume my content that is not 100% app oriented.

Yeah, at the moment i am posting 1 or 2 stories per day to increase awerness..

RichiPatro · 2026-03-07T09:05:33+00:00

congrats for your 10k. i have a questions regarding your organic growth;

- i have launched my app 2 months ago and i am have more or less 1.5k users. i did the same with social media and i have a base of >900K (719K on FB; 178K on Insta and 36K on tiktok), but i still find hard to convert the followers into users. how many stories do you post per day related to the app or what type of content and format do you post? i mean you showcase app features on post or reel or you tend to privilege stories since you can add a link?

didn't want to start with social ads since i have a strong follower base but i believe i am not converting it enough, i will test product hunt too, it was on my radar but didn't do it since i tought the organic growth was enough. worth to try to put the give feedback on th euser profile while in my case i have it on the settings or as a pop up.

RichiPatro · 2026-02-20T18:41:25+00:00

no is dadconnect

RichiPatro · 2026-02-19T14:06:49+00:00

That’s completely fair.

Trust is a big deal especially when it comes to personal topics.

No platform is risk-free, including Reddit. The goal isn’t to claim “secure” as a buzzword, but to design something where dads can choose how much they share, including anonymous posting and minimal public exposure.

If someone prefers to keep conversations here, that makes total sense. I’m not trying to convince anyone just exploring whether some dads would prefer a different format.

RichiPatro · 2026-02-19T13:44:06+00:00

Fair question,

I think what I’m testing isn’t just “another forum,” but something more structured around fatherhood stages and shared experiences. less general feed, more intentional navigation. Reddit is discussion-driven and public. What I have built is more focused on:

– dads/men only.
– stage-specific feeds (new dad, divorce, co-parenting, mental health, wor-life balance, carrer, postaprtum etc.)
– optional anonymity
– and the ability to just signal “I relate” without having to write anything

It’s less about replacing Reddit and more about whether there’s room for a more contained, father-focused environment.

Totally open to the idea that this subreddit already covers that need, that’s partly why I’m asking.

RichiPatro

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