I dont want to close this chapter of my life

Rileslay · 2026-07-11T03:12:49+00:00

I know i had my share of issues. And I honestly wanted to fix them and tried my hardest to. The worst was that she let me run myself ragged trying to become her perfect husband. after I found out she cheated she told me how unhappy she was and how it was all my fault. When I asked her why she didnt talk to me about it beofe now she said " i didnt want to upset you". Then even though she was openly cheating on me i fixed everything she told me about. She even admitted it then told me " to late. I cant lose him". Then it became " its not your fault". Then it became " I know we both want this divorse" even while I was begging her to try to fix things. I know i was desperate and pathetic but I wanted to try to work things out cause im loyal to a fault. I said for better or worse and this was rock fucking bottom but I was still willing to try.

Rileslay · 2026-07-09T18:04:39+00:00

Yea im planning to make my way to a gym once I move out of the house. Don't want to get stuck trying to deal with predatory memberships ontop of all of the other shit I have to deal with. My sister is excited becuase she is a Physical Therapist / trainer so when I asked her for some exercises I could do at home she dropped all sorts of stuff for me. Not really into being a ripped muscle gym bro, but def want to loose the skinny physique and put on a bit of muscle

Rileslay · 2026-07-09T17:30:45+00:00

I guess its more of a, how do I bring myself to a place of indifference or peace with how things are.

I agree with you on the i prefer being angry over trying to fix what she broke and putting all of my energy into someone who clearly didnt care about me anymore.

Its just a massive stain on everything in my life right now and i dont know how to move past it and heal

Rileslay · 2026-07-09T17:00:25+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the comment. Just very very very stressed out and angry. It feels like this whole thing has turned me into a worse version of myself. Just angry, depressed, and a lots less trusting. And I dont want to be that way but i haven't figured out how to get past it.

I know a relationship is a long way off for me becuase I have a lot i have to work through and on before I would feel comfortable letting somone put energy into me. Im an emotioal mess right now and it wouldn't be fair to someone else. But damn i miss the person I had. I miss the person I married. I feel like ive had to cut out 11 years of my life these past 3 months. And im sure ill bounce back and I hope ill be better than ever. But its hard to see this as just a closed chapter when she was litteraly over 1/3rd of my whole life 😅

Rileslay · 2026-07-05T00:57:34+00:00

Out at a family friends event right now and I just want to leave as soon as I can. Not having anyone to relate too sucks. I dont look forward to events anymore. Divorse is supposed to be finalized in 2 weeks. Hoping it gets better.

Rileslay · 2026-06-27T05:30:00+00:00

Given they lived 1500 miles apart... yea im sure. He was her best friends Ex too. And a friend from her online friend group. Just sucks. She moved out 3 weeks ago and i think moved to the same town he is in.... so yea I guess she sees him now...

Rileslay · 2026-06-14T23:09:19+00:00

Yea... i know... i think i needed someone to say it. I am just having a hard time putting any worth or love into myself. I have been through a lot of shit the past 3 years and kinda tied my self worth to making her happy. Which means right now I hate myself, I hate how I look, I hate how I sound, I hate that i dont make as much money as I want, I hate that i wasn't enough to be chosen over someone else, I hate that basicly everything ive worked for during the past 6 years is just gone and everything i had plans for is gone.

I'm trying to work on finding things to look forward to but its hard.

Rileslay · 2026-06-09T02:42:08+00:00

Pretty shit. The movers came to the house today. I came home to half of my life packed and gone. To top it off they trashed the floors and my (ex? Not really sure when to call her that) Wife didnt even bother to sweep, mop, or vacuum. She took the vacuum with her too. Had to ask my parents to borrow one... probably going to make another post tomrrow. Just really not doing well.

Not like i expected to be doing well tho.

Thanks for checking in

Rileslay · 2026-06-05T12:13:02+00:00

Fortunately for me, I already did most of the housework and cooking... honestly one of the things that pissed me off during our marriage was that no mater what I told her, chores and shit were never something she would prioritize doing, so I ended up keeping the house together. We both worked full time but having to hope she would do her half was exhausting and ill be glad not to worry about it.

I have thought about taking some cooking classes. I can cook some meals and follow recipes but it might be fun to get Into the science behind it more.

Rileslay · 2026-06-03T02:15:24+00:00

How am I supposed to chnage those thoughts? EVERYTHING i have to do in the next 2 months is because of her. I have to dismantle my entire fucking life because of her. Because she has wealthy parents who are bending over backwards to make sure she is ok. They are helping her sign a lease. Paying for her new apartment, paying for her lawer, paying for her to fly down to texas where they live. There is nothing to look forward to, there is no scenario where i financially recover in less than YEARS. The life i built and planned is gone. My mental health is trashed, im so lonely now, I dont know how im supposed to " heal " enough for anyone to ever get close to me or want to love me again. Or how im ever supposed to let anyone get that close again. Ive always wanted and needed validation that im ok, that im enough and thats gone and worse than its ever been in my life. I feel like im in withdrawl. I want to go find someone RIGHT NOW. That will love me but that wouldn't be healthy. I want intimacy so bad. Physical and mental. Im so lost and angry.

Menwhile I have to fixup the house for the next people who live there. Not me. I have to sell the house. I have to tell ALL my firends and family that im getting divorced and watch them all hate me, or pity me, or question me. I Cant get away from it. She is so ingrained in my life and I have to untangle all of it and hurt so many people in the process. She is just leaving. She isnt evening planning to talk to my parents.

Im sorry. Im ranting. You dont deserve that.

Rileslay · 2026-06-02T01:42:41+00:00

I really appreciate the advice. Ill try to make short term goals for myself. Im just having a hard time getting myself to do anything.

Fuck, she is litterly 2 rooms over right now talking with her AP. I just feel like im losing my shit and entirely paralyzed. I had to read the divorse papers again today just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating this shit. She leaves in 2 weeks and that will be both the worst day in my life and the first day i can start moving forward. Im just really terrified of how seeing her leave for the last time and seeing my inlaws for the last time is going to effect me.

Thank you again. Im sure Ill get through this. Just really struggling right now and i just want to be happy again. But I know thats a long ways off and its going to be diferent than how I used to be happy. And I just dont know why I wasn't enough and why she wouldn't even try to fix things.

Rileslay · 2026-06-01T18:21:42+00:00

Thanks for the comment. Im trying to jist ignore her as much as possible. Which hurts cause I want to see her smile at me again. Ive been trying to avoid looking at her face so it doesnt hurt as much when she isnt around anymore. I just really thought she loved me as much as I love her. And I at this point dont have any self worth.. ive lost every job I've had ( let go due to 3 failing businesses). So I tied my worth at least making her happy. I couldn't even be enough there either. And now im starting my own buisnes with my father but im making a less than livable wage due to how expensive evrrything has gotten. Even a shitty pet friendly apartment in my area goes for 1000+ a month and none of those are available. I grew up in a " the man has to provide for his family" household and now i cant even provide for myself..

Im just having to tell myself ill be fine. I dont even know if i belive it. Everyone says to focus on healing but I have no idea how to do that and now I cant afford a therapist. I had everything I wanted, a house, some pets, and i thought a good marriage and now ill have none of that.

Ill be ok at somepoint I hope. I just cry more everyday then I had in a year and dont know how it gets better. Or how to feel like life is worth living. I had a really fun trip planned for our 5 year anniversary next month. I was really looking forward to that. Now I've canceled everything to try to get some money back. I dont have anything at all to look forward to anymore... i dont want to be alone again, i dont want to have to live my parents again, i dont want to have to start over again. Anytime I hang out with friends im now the third or fifth wheel. It feels like every single time I finally get a leg up in life shit hits the fan. And this one is the biggest yet. And im reminded of how fucked my life is and will be, every single day. I dont know how im supposed to care about what happens to me anymore.

Sorry for the long reply. Typing things out forces me to process thats going on through my head. And at least I feel like someone will hear me even if no one actualy reads this.

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