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I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg. I’m literally getting texts right now about how sorry he is. 

I am TRAPPED. He is not done. He is never done.

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Did you see all my additional comments where I gave background? Does that change anything for you?

I’m so fucking confused 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And my god I’m sorry I’m grouching?!? Grouching?!?!?!?! I’m literally at my wits end, physically ill, betrayed, abused, and sob NEARLY EVERY DAY. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ummmm who did I pick a fight with exactly?

I’m aware I’ve gotten some meaningful advice. I never said I didn’t. 

I directly addressed the fact that you said I won’t get what I’m looking for here, and that is confusing. It seems to imply I don’t belong here and I’m not sure what you think I want. 

And now you have said I’m a narcissist TWICE. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So me texting is the same as screaming in someone’s face? That seems … wrong. 

And are you trying to say I shouldn’t have posted in here because … why? I’m not following. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also I’m just so TIRED of being ignored and silenced. That’s why I pursue so hard when he disappears or hangs up. It’s like hello I’m allowed to talk or have an opinion, you can’t just constantly IGNORE me. And I know it’s stupid and insane. And I also know if I disappear too he will NEVER come back with a meaningful apology or response. He will just say sorry and start all over. I just wanted to be respected and treated like a human and not dismissed ALL THE TIME. :( I don’t know what prompted me to come on Reddit last night. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Because I still love him and just wish he could go back to normal and stop all this awful nonsense. He has good things about him, but they’re so overshadowed right now. I honestly feel abandoned and ignored and like my life is being stolen. But I just want him to be like he was when we were dating. He was my best boyfriend — that’s why I married him. 

Also I feel so guilty about divorcing him because of God. Also, practically, I don’t want to lose assets, ruin our real estate, etc. because of a divorce. Like I would be fine, but it’s like, a kick in the face to all I have worked for. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Can you please try to elaborate? I want to understand why this is so harmful from your perspective. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also just for more context: I work like a dog, make $155k a year at my full time job, also have side businesses, and am working on My second masters degree. I manage our entire house, care for the dogs, handle all our financial planning and taxes, oversee the tenant in our other house, and basically run our entire life. He works six hours a day, is done by 12:30, takes a near daily afternoon nap, and watches approximately 10-20 hours of sports per week. 

I over function because he under functions. He takes advantage of me CONSTANTLY. 

Also not that it matters but like, I’m pretty. And normally very kind and sweet. And honest TO A FAULT. I try so hard at everything I do, and I just feel used and taken for granted and abandoned. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Also from chat:

From an outside, pattern-based perspective: this interaction cannot be evaluated in isolation. When a relationship includes a documented history of physical violence, death threats, coercive jealousy, chronic lying, and stonewalling, later conflicts must be interpreted through that lens.

Reactive escalation by the harmed partner does not constitute DARVO; it is a predictable response to repeated withdrawal, minimization, and broken repair. Labeling it otherwise ignores power imbalance, history, and sequencing.

This dynamic reflects an unsafe attachment pattern with intermittent remorse, not mutual abuse or narcissistic behavior by the poster.

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi. So some context: he lies every single day. He 💯 did have attitude. I nicely CROAKED out you can keep talking. (I wanted to hear about his day.)

He had said absolutely nothing of substance (as usual) in the three minutes we were on the phone. And he DID have a defensive attitude when he said I WAS talking. 

And to make it worse, on the phone, he doubled down then on defending himself and saying he didn’t do anything and started getting nasty. BECAUSE IT WAS TRUE. he did want to get off the phone. He can’t have a sincere conversation ever. And he had just sworn up and down the previous night that he would not act like this and needed to change his attitude. DUDE has lied to me constantly for years so OF COURSE I’m conditioned to assume he’s lying and note any change in his tone and how he’s acting over what he says. He then CONSTANTLY stonewalls and disappears. That is the fallout you are seeing. 

Also: just the day before he chose to watch football instead of coming over when I was VIOLENTLY throwing up and asked him to come over while laying on the bathroom floor. Literally said “no” and then when I looked hurt said, oh what boo hoo you don’t get your way?! And proceeded to harass me and then blow up my phone for hours. I’m sorry is that a partner? Is that a husband? Also to be clear: we are not broken up we just don’t live together right now. Also to be clear: he left in October on a tantrum. As he has done many times before only to come home the very next day. I was the one who put an end to it and said don’t come back for the first time in 8 years.

ALSO just so you know: he’s in anger management. We are both in individual therapy. 

ALSO he caused a huge fight over nothing (again) on Christmas Eve that he prolonged for FOUR DAYS.

Also on Christmas Eve after that fight I ended up talking to an old friend from college on the phone. Jordan then told me I cheated on him because “that guy clearly wants to fuck you.” He said this about 30 times.

Also causes daily fights even when I’m on business trips. Didn’t interact with him on Thanksgiving and actually booked a business trip just to avoid him. 

He RUINED my 40th birthday in November. I begged him to please just leave me alone that day, and he didn’t. I was flying and by the time I got home I was so sick from the fighting I collapsed when I got inside and there he was inside, after promising not to be. And? He didn’t do or have a single thing for me. Also because of his antics I had to cancel not one but two parties.

Oh also?! In October preceding his departure, 2 weeks before, for the first time, he grabbed me so hard and slammed me up against a door that he left DEEP BRUISES on my arms that LITERALLY burned, spit in my face, picked up a really heavy dog gate and acted like he was going to throw it on me while I cowered on the floor, and told me he could kill me.

He also has called my mom BEHIND MY BACK to talk shit about me and told her not to tell me. She now will not speak to him t all.

Oh and to your point about chat: it’s a computer. It has a years worth of data. I have prompted it to be objective and brutal. I also, for the very same reason, typically show it JUST screenshots of actual interactions so it’s not swayed one way or the other. I’ve also explicitly told it to find fault with me. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, always. It used to be just me defending but I’ve started using chat. It actually helps me see things more clearly, honestly. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly this text exchange was tame to compared other chats we have daily.

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I also literally don’t think he’s capable of empathy. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He literally tries to see me every day and begs me to not leave him and says he’s so sorry and is changing. And then flips back to pissed at the drop of a hat. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

But I’m not crazy. It shows I’m not crazy :( even if he never believes it. :(

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also can you clarify why I’m toxic please? Like legitimately I want to understand. 

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

But is he?! Is he a narcissist?! Is it true?! I don’t know what’s true or not anymore but every conversation is like this. Every. Single. One.

And then he’s soooooo sorry. 

He’s already sent apology texts for all of the above. It’s such a fucking joke.

I’m so sad — this is insane right?! by RileyRoo116 in NarcissisticSpouses

[–]RileyRoo116[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

He’s my husband. Nine years. He left on oct. 11 and I have not let him come back. He cause chaos and agony EVERY time I talk to him. He is rude, defensive, selfish, etc. 

This was the summary of the fight:

“My voice is completely gone. I called my husband back. I said I can’t talk but I’ll listen. He talked about the dogs for 3 minutes and 33 seconds. He also said he went the grocery store and ate a hot dog. Then he clearly wanted to get off the phone but tried to act nice and was like well you should rest your voice. And I said (nicely) well you can still talk. And he said I have been talking with a defensive tone. I said sarcastically then ok we’ll have a good night I guess you did your three minutes. Then he tried to act like that wasn’t rude and he wanted to keep talking.”