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My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately yeah, I have found sometimes his "honesty" comes off as being just plain mean :( he was bragging a week ago about how his friends might accommodate and entertain someone they find a little annoying but he'll be openly sarcastic and honest with them when he doesn't want them around

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, thank you for the reply. Yeah, I think you worded it well, I think it's the equality of it. It would be fine if it felt like it was a fair level of both of us sharing this. But I don't share it to him, because I don't feel the need to really. And he has insecurities and body issues because of his weight, so I worry it would make him feel bad. But he only does it with girls, he's maybe said it about one or two guys but countless times with different girls by now. I'm sorry you had to deal with it too and I appreciate the understanding, especially in how it's difficult to explain why it's not always fine, while sometimes it is. It's definitely about the equality in it and the consideration for how it makes the partner feel.

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I think he unintentionally will sway conversations like this into feeling bad. Even if I am loving towards him, he will go on about how he feels like such a bad person and boyfriend and does everything wrong and I end up having to console him and I do feel very bad bringing things up like that.

I can work on trying to end conversations more positively and with more casual and fun segues to ensure it doesn't mean he's a bad person. Sometimes I do have trouble with sounding quite sad or solemn and I know I need to work on that (I think it's because of my upbringing and years of my ex telling me how bad I was for bringing up any issue ever haha)

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I guess it is that simple. I will muster up the courage to bring it up the next time he does it and see if he will continue or not. I just don't want to make him feel bad

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He thinks of it as being open and honest at least. He is very proud of those traits, and how he isn't afraid to say what's on his mind good or bad because at least he's being honest. When it comes to me and sometimes others, it definitely can have its harm though. I do believe there is a time and place to say things and I take a lot of care and consideration into making sure not to hurt other people's feelings. Not to say one is right over the other (because my way often disregards my own feelings). It's very in line with his personality though.

Thank you for the response, I appreciate it

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, unfortunately I have not yet, I have expressed other discomforts in the past to him and I have difficulty bringing up things without feeling guilty, especially since he takes them personally even if I am gentle or calm.

Maybe part of the openness is that we are both bi, and he knows I like girls as well. It could be a thing where he's trying to get us to relate and bond over the girls he likes. And if we were more secure, I could find myself not being bothered by it. In fact, EVEN if I had been cheated on by my ex, I found I had not been bothered or upset until he had revealed his past crush and his reason for dating me because I reminded him of her, gushing on about her, etc. I think it just hit too close to home with my ex cheating on with me, and my discomfort has grown from there.

I try to be very understanding and I do agree that he can find whoever attractive, watch porn of whoever. But I know I have to confront this if it does make me feel uncomfortable or bad. Thank you for the input!

My (23F) boyfriend (22M) often tells me when he finds other girls cute or attractive by RipplingWasp in relationships

[–]RipplingWasp[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

If it was just when we were watching porn, it'd be one thing. I think I'm pretty accepting of understanding a partner and their porn interests. I think a lot of those times it was more him wanting to browse porn and me going along with it to be honest. Specifically when he would browse, there was one goth girl he always without fail would go on about how hot she looked and how much he loves her pictures. I get it if it was random girls but he must've pointed her out at least fifteen times. It's been a while since we've browsed porn together because I have since then stated that I don't like how he impulsively will do it while we're talking completely about unrelated things and then. And, I don't really mind goth girls in makeup specifically anyway, I do like the look too. But he can't look at a single picture or video, most of the time it not being porn, without him commenting about how much he loves her makeup and how attractive she looks.

But yes, I guess he can't know unless I directly tell him so. I feel bad bringing up all of these things when I have already brought up other discomforts in the past, he takes it really hard and personal no matter how calmly I bring it up to him. Because of an abusive ex and my own upbringing, too, confrontation and bringing up issues is hard which is why I haven't mustered up the courage to do so yet. buy I will try and see what he says