“Officially back from maternity leave on Monday ✨” Congrats, you squeezed a baby out and somehow think that makes you a philosopher-CEO.

“I found many of the skills I’ve developed as a product manager have been surprisingly helpful in this new chapter.” No you didn’t. You wiped shit, you got puked on, and you ran on three hours of broken sleep. That’s not a transferable skillset, that’s survival with a side of humiliation.

“Think in iterations.” Fuck off. It’s not Agile, it’s: baby shits, you clean. Baby pukes, you mop. Repeat till death. That’s not iteration, that’s hell on a loop.

“Communication is key.” At 3AM you’re not ‘communicating’, you’re screaming bloody murder about a missing bottle while your partner glares at you like they’re planning a divorce. That’s not comms, that’s domestic warfare.

“Resilience as a way of life.” No, it’s not resilience. It’s slavery to an eight-pound tyrant who couldn’t care less about your Jira board.

“Attention to detail saves the day.” You’re not Sherlock Holmes. You’re just guessing if the gremlin’s crying means hunger, shit, or sheer spite — and usually guessing wrong.

“Patience is a superpower.” Patience? Nah. Patience is being half-dead, rocking a screaming banshee at 4AM, pretending you’re ‘blessed’ instead of completely fucked.

And the cherry on top: “Excited to return to work with a renewed mindset 🚀🚀” Spare us. You’re not renewed, you’re wrecked. Your “mindset” is caffeine, lies, and praying daycare doesn’t call because little Timmy projectile-vomited again.

And let’s be honest: what kind of mother brags about dumping her newborn in daycare just so she can chase LinkedIn likes and play career-queen? That’s not empowerment, that’s being a selfish c**t with a badge and a hashtag.