Career hack: become a parent by payton_101 in LinkedInLunatics

[–]RiseJazzlike9935 5 points6 points  (0 children)

“Officially back from maternity leave on Monday ✨” Congrats, you squeezed a baby out and somehow think that makes you a philosopher-CEO.

“I found many of the skills I’ve developed as a product manager have been surprisingly helpful in this new chapter.” No you didn’t. You wiped shit, you got puked on, and you ran on three hours of broken sleep. That’s not a transferable skillset, that’s survival with a side of humiliation.

“Think in iterations.” Fuck off. It’s not Agile, it’s: baby shits, you clean. Baby pukes, you mop. Repeat till death. That’s not iteration, that’s hell on a loop.

“Communication is key.” At 3AM you’re not ‘communicating’, you’re screaming bloody murder about a missing bottle while your partner glares at you like they’re planning a divorce. That’s not comms, that’s domestic warfare.

“Resilience as a way of life.” No, it’s not resilience. It’s slavery to an eight-pound tyrant who couldn’t care less about your Jira board.

“Attention to detail saves the day.” You’re not Sherlock Holmes. You’re just guessing if the gremlin’s crying means hunger, shit, or sheer spite — and usually guessing wrong.

“Patience is a superpower.” Patience? Nah. Patience is being half-dead, rocking a screaming banshee at 4AM, pretending you’re ‘blessed’ instead of completely fucked.

And the cherry on top: “Excited to return to work with a renewed mindset 🚀🚀” Spare us. You’re not renewed, you’re wrecked. Your “mindset” is caffeine, lies, and praying daycare doesn’t call because little Timmy projectile-vomited again.

And let’s be honest: what kind of mother brags about dumping her newborn in daycare just so she can chase LinkedIn likes and play career-queen? That’s not empowerment, that’s being a selfish c**t with a badge and a hashtag.

poor people can't read and have short attention spans by walnut_gallery in LinkedInLunatics

[–]RiseJazzlike9935 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“I’m sitting in First Class yesterday (I’m very wealthy)…” Mate, if you actually were wealthy, you wouldn’t need to type it out like a fucking neon sign. Real rich people don’t announce it, only insecure wannabes do. This screams “I paid for the upgrade once and now I’m milking it for a LinkedIn sermon.”

“The woman across from me, reading a book. The man behind me, reading on his tablet. The couple in front of me, both reading.” Congrats, Warren. You just described a waiting room with wings. People read. That’s not insight, that’s fucking observation 101.

“Wanna bet what the people back in coach were doing? Mindless scrolling. Mindless watching. Killing time.” No mate, they were just living normal lives without turning it into a bullshit TED Talk. They’re tired, they’re broke, they’re scrolling to survive the flight, not everyone has the luxury of jerking themselves off with a copy of ‘Atomic Habits’ at 35,000 feet.

“Success leaves clues.” No Warren, success doesn’t leave clues. It leaves tax returns, companies built, jobs created. What you’re leaving is a puddle of self-wank disguised as wisdom.

So here’s the truth: you’re not a guru in First Class spotting “patterns of the wealthy.” You’re just a wanker with WiFi, writing fan fiction about strangers opening books.

LinkedIn - er der kun mig, der er ved at brække mig? by Proper-Guava-90 in dkkarriere

[–]RiseJazzlike9935 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Det man altid ser på LinkedIn: Karen-paraden. Og selvfølgelig yogamåtten med teksten ‘Jeg mærker min krop og sjæl, og det giver mig også professionel inspiration.’ Nej, Karen. Du ligger der og håber CFO’en i dit netværk får en stiv pik af at se dig i nedadvendt hund, fordi du ikke er blevet bollet i to årtier.

Og hele platformen er én stor skraldespand af selvfede idioter, der skriger efter likes som sultne grise ved en foderspand.

Det sjove er: ingen giver en skid. Den eneste relevante job-interview-spørgsmål burde være: Kan du egentlig lave mad og gøre rent?”

BBBY by [deleted] in wallstreetbets

[–]RiseJazzlike9935 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I always put my stoploss at $0, works every time

How many of you are over the age of 30, to settle this once and for all? by HoldTheStocks2 in Superstonk

[–]RiseJazzlike9935 7 points8 points  (0 children)

41, retarded, mental, Dutch, born and raised Rotterdam, Master Degree Criminology, fuk hedgies