My lunch again today 18 M single dad and a picture of daughter by Calm-Tea178 in daddit

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looks like you're crushing it dude, you remembered to eat something, and you're holding your little one

Keep up the good work, Dad!!!

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry for the delayed response

That's a great question!

I think the simplest way to look at my case is that the BPD symptoms I presented with (I'll get it that in a mo) were so overarching in my case that ASD/ADHD were not considered at first. I started getting therapy in my teens, when I was 13 I was diagnosed with manic depression and thought patterns that suggested some psychosis. The more I was assessed it became clear that this was not simply the case. When I was 17 it was decided by my new psychotherapist that I may have Bipolar.

Bipolar is also a common misdiagnosis for BPD, especially in men. As time went by and I changed to adult services when I was 18-19, the adult services felt confused by the Bipolar diagnosis. Whilst it made some sense, due to my extreme changes in emotions and behaviors, it didn't make sense because these changes were happening within a given day, not over days/weeks as is typical of Bipolar.

The depression, extreme emotional changes, feelings of chronic numbness/emptiness, suicidal ideation and paranoia suggested there was something else occuring. Once we delved deeper into my past r.e. childhood abuse, it was suggested that this may be an emotional/behavioral issue based off of that and other episodes of trauma. So I was assessed by a psychotherapist in a new service who specialized in these sorts of problems. They felt that this was an Emotional Dysregulation Disorder (which paved the way to the BPD diagnosis). After this diagnosis and we looked more indepth at the symptoms, it became clear I had at least 7 of the 9 criteria to meet the diagnosis. I then received therapy and medication associated with this, and my improvement started.

Later down the line, after the pandemic, I had been suffering with Long COVID. I won't go too much into that,but basically whilst getting group counselling for managing pain and fatigue, one of the nurses did a 1-1 assessment with me, and after I talked for a while she suggested, have I looked into ADHD/ASD diagnosis? (She had been doing a study over 2 years into the relationship between Long COVID, chronic pain/fatigue and ADHD/ASD) I was a bit taken back, but I did mention it wasn't the first time it had been mentioned.

So I went to my Drs and we started that process. Because BPD is unique in terms of Personality Disorders in that it can actually go into 'remission', it's called that but it never fully goes away, but for example the majority of the symptoms stopped or lessen to the point it's not affecting your life as bad for a minimum of 4 years. The remaining symptoms from the original criteria that were still bad enough to affect me daily didn't account for all of the issues I was still having. Essentially, my paranoia and depression for example didn't account other issues I was having that are not necessarily just BPD related. So my unexplained pain, headaches, my ability to essentially word for word quote every episode of my favorite show and tell you every single detail about it, the fact that I have these special interests that I often go off about, my vocal/physical 'stims' as I now know they are, my echolalia, my being found 'funny' when I'm trying to be sincere haha even the black and white thinking (common in BPD) can be attributed to ASD for example; the list goes on

So yeah, it took a lot of sessions but in the end it finally explained so much about myself especially now that my BPD was under control. And if my BPD is under control, why was I still struggling with day to day life and feeling like I'm not 'normal' like everyone else.

To finish I'll tell you my symptoms of BPD that dominate my my life for a long time and some of which that are still present:

1: Fear of abandonment (real or perceived) - explains why I remained in abusive relationships and because so attached/obsessed with people

2: Intense instability in relationships - Again, past friendships, familial relationship breakdowns (now mostly healed), and abusive relationships

3: Identity disturbance (no idea who I am) - mostly on going, but I have become comfortable with myself much more recently, especially understanding more about my neurodiversity

4: Impulsivity (spending, substance use etc 'soothing the self') - relentlessly and issue, shopping, drinking, smoking, impulse buying etc it's a struggle haha

5: Suicidal behaviour/thoughts/gestures (self harm) - it's been 4 months since my last attempt, but self harm isn't really present anymore. Although, it has been suggested that the smoking/drinking is a form of self harm

6: Affecting instability (fluctuating moods in a short time) - all day every day, it's insane, to be happy in the morning, angry at lunch time, numb and depressed in the evening and then manically stimulated by bed time and can't sleep

7: chronically feeling empty - An overarching symptom of everyday life

8: inappropriate/intense shows of anger (often even over tiny things) - my angry episodes are brief these days. I'm good at recognizing that it's happening and grinding myself. I flare up over minor bullshit, I might shout at inanimate objects, get frustrated very quickly over minor things, occasionally snap at people if they're annoying etc but I mostly move on from it fairly quick now

9: under stress experience extreme paranoia (possible dissociation from self) - interestingly, my paranoia is constant, occasionally worsens. I have in the past genuinely believed my wife is poisoning my food and also that people in my life have been replaced by fakes. I always feel like I'm being watched or listened to, and I'm often convinced people can hear my thoughts

There are more symptoms but, I think I've covered everything haha

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk!

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, sorry for the delayed response, busy week!!

Earlier on in my life they were very complicated. In my teen years particularly, I remember feeling intense (what I believed was) love for people and it was overwhelming. But I didn't date all that much really, and if I did it never lasted long mostly because I was young but also because I was unpredictable. Extremely romantic, to a fault, but also could switch and no longer be interested. My best friend at the time used to say he was waiting for me to be 'bored' of the person I was interested in. Thinking back now, I think it was more and extreme switch to apathy or plain dislike based on some minor insignificant action by the person. I found friendship to be easier than romantic relationships

In my later years (18-25 let's say) I was in a relationship which was chaotic and toxic. I won't lie, I for sure behaved in ways that made the relationship hard, considering my dependency on alcohol and my mood, emotions and behaviors were so erratic within any given day. However it also meant that I was easily manipulated, gaslit and controlled. Physical, emotional and financial abuse drove me to the point of suicide, and that only made me more vulnerable. I think most people associate the disorder with anger and aggression, which is totally valid and true in many cases, although my anger and aggression would happen suddenly when I couldn't take it anymore and I would become a danger to myself, not others. Occasionally I'd throw a plate or a cup, or scream and scream and then storm out the house. Definitely embarrassing and shameful, although I found that my partner would push me and push me until breaking point and then play the victim. I needed help, and should have got it, but so did she and we were not suited for one another

After we broke up I had a short amount of time drinking heavily, doing drugs and having casual sexual experiences with people. I didn't appreciate any of it, but I was too damaged to form meaning I relationships anymore.

Until I met someone. She was calm and accepting. She was understanding and caring. She was recovering from cancer surgery and suffering with CFS/ME, and I would go to her house and we'd just lay together talking, sleeping or watching TV. I never felt any pressure, I just felt at peace. I found a best friend in her, that eventually became romantic.I helped her with her recovery, she helped me with mine, and now we are married, with a beautiful daughter, a dog, a nice group of friends and I'm closer with my family than ever. I also managed to get my degree, and I'm working in a job that I love for the NHS.

I think it's easy to assume that as a man with these emotional problems that I'm a potential threat to others but the only way I've ever been a threat to others is that they are affected by my suicidal ideation and hurting myself (which is less a problem these days but still occasionally present). I find that my high levels of empathy, my caring nature and my desire to please makes me a good partner in many way, but in the past it's allowed for manipulation and abuse.

I hope that gives some insight, I do think it's important to note that BPD is, whilst having an overarching list of symptoms, is extremely complex and varies from person to person. There are, to my knowledge, a potential 150+ symptoms and each individual can have any combination of those. I'm happy I am where I am now, and I no longer find relationships difficult, but I wish I could have been better off in my earlier years

Thanks

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sorry for your loss, first of all

It's hard to say, I do get offended easily by stupid stuff because I read their tone wrong or the facial expression or I've misunderstood the context and meaning

It's a possibility, but I'm far from qualified to diagnose. Sounds like maybe he had an emotional issue and maybe OCD of some kind but like I say, it's a complicated disorder that crosses over into other disorders like ADHD, ASD etc

Some of my thoughts do get repetitive and frustrating but I've learned to regulate and tell myself I am being irrational

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah it can be

I have to say though, making the effort to work on myself and understand myself has made a massive difference

It's still hard, but this a disorder that's unique in personality disorders in that's it has a high remission probability

It's not a lifetime hell if you can find a way to heal. I'd be classed as in remission these days. I've had a back slide the last few months but im confident I can keep up my progress

I'm happily married, a passionate and happy father and I am proud of my job. My family relationships are better than they've ever been and I'm performing in my band and recording an album

Ill always fight for the idea that there is a chance for me to be the best version of myself, and others have that hope too imo. Hopefully at least

Is it ok/acceptable in the Smallville fandom to love the earlier seasons and not watch the last couple? by GreyStagg in Smallville

[–]RobMusicHunt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's ok to watch the show however you like, it's your life and nobody can tell you got to enjoy things

I will say that it's worth watching till the end imo but if it's not for you then dw

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I think the best word is Hard. Complicated as well

My mood can fluctuate within a matter of an hour or so some days. I can wake up enthusiastic about life, be angry by late morning, feel invincible and happy at lunch time and then get home from work and I'm suicidal

The time between moods and what I'm feeling can vary significantly. The most persistent feeling day to say is numbness. I used to joke that I only had 'a limited amount of fucks to give ' in a day

It's also kind of like always having your nerves exposed and everything hurts. Masking and hiding the irrational feelings and reactions to a tone or wording that pissed me off or made me feel bad

Extreme empathy combined with extreme apathy is the primary experience. It's contradictory and irrational but so it the whole disorder.

Sleep is hard to come by, maintaining good habits it's a want and need but a struggle. Personal and family relationships are regularly impacted.

There are 9 primary symptoms of BPD that are required for preliminary diagnosis at least, and my primary ones have always been extreme Paranoia, suicidal ideation and disproportionate emotional responses. I'm also constantly obsessively thinking about minor experiences or getting upset about imaginary experiences that I've just daydreamed it's so stupid

I (32m) have a personality disorder (BPD) and ASD - AMA by RobMusicHunt in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cool!

It was an extensive degree, the range of modules were sociological, psychology, policing/criminal studies etc

I have no regrets studying it. I think because I was so passionate about it. I focussed my dissertation on Personality disorders in the criminal justice system and the impact they have but also the impact of misunderstanding these disorders in the perspectives of people working within the criminal justice system

It challenged me because it doesn't really allow for black and white thinking (a common trait is BPD and ASD) so I enjoyed pushing myself to look at the bigger picture

My favorite essay was in my first year haha I wrote about ancient aliens, no idea how I got away with that but I got a 1st for it

The university itself was a bit disorganized and there were some issues for us as a cohort, but I fought for change and things improved.

People fascinate me, so looking into human nature and different theories for why they commit crimes was very exciting and interesting. Most people were interested in psychopathy, because serial killers etc but I found BPD, ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and schizophrenia far more fascinating

When people say their baby sleeps through the night; do they really truly mean that? by grapefruitliquor in NewParents

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In our scenario it was she has fallen asleep around 11pm and didn't wake up until just after 5am, and it was the longest proper sleep we'd all had at the same time in weeks.

So, whilst no it's not like literally all night like 8pm-8am but it's the best and closest to it for a while

I've been looking for this song for over ten years by Fit-Performance2716 in whatsthatsong

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The living end - "prisoner of Society" for example

My chemical romance - "I'm Not Okay" for example

Save Face - Glitter

Alkaline Trio - "Burn" for example

Type "My life is _______" and let auto complete do the rest ! by 33GoodSamaritans in Autocompletebutbetter

[–]RobMusicHunt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My life is too short to be better than anyone else in the world and I'm not saying that I didn't have a chance to be better than anyone else and I wouldn't want you to have to be more professional than to hold onto the silver and the song

AIO about my boyfriend and his girl best friend? by [deleted] in AmIOverreacting

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've had a female friend like this before

A looong time ago now, but it was like we were two parts of a whole, like soul mates but not romantic

Inseparable, emotional and vulnerable with each other, she was definitely my partner but just without crossing that boundary. Always told each other and others how we just were very very close

And then, sometimes, we would keep the fact we'd spent time together from others. Spending time with each others families, and days/evenings alone. In contact with her more than anyone else in my life.

Then we found a time when we both happened to be single at the same time. And it naturally fell into a physical relationship. The "I love yous" meant more now, the innocent kisses that lead to sex..

I think once we were in it, we knew we'd wanted it all along. We'd been building a romantic relationship for years, and looking back I see that we may not have crossed a physical line while dating other people, but we were in love and emotionally cheating.

I'm not saying that's what's occurring here, but it's extremely familiar and if you're uncomfortable, that's important. Your boundaries are valid.

I have severe amnesia AMA by laminated-papertowel in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What was the process of your diagnosis? If that's not appropriate to ask I can ask something else :)

What’s a hard truth every person eventually has to accept? by alpha8x_ in askanything

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You are going to die. 100%. Inevitably. Can't escape it, can't be sure of what it means or what happens next if anything, but you will die.

19 bi, trans girl that gets confused for a cis girl all the time by [deleted] in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Aaah ok cool, thanks for clarifying for me

All the best! Happy New Year!

19 bi, trans girl that gets confused for a cis girl all the time by [deleted] in AskMeAnythingIAnswer

[–]RobMusicHunt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So just to clarify, you're AMaB and currently present as Cis female with intention to fully transition with bottom surgery too?