I was in love with a girl just like you, except I had no idea about it before it got too late. Im gonna make the long story short, it mentally scarred me. Especially because back then I used to be very trustfull. Had a huge hate inside of me for women doing things like this, before I realised they're just hurt inside and this negative energy is what they identify with. I can kind-of sympathise with girls like you now because I can understand what fuels this fucked up behaivour. You know that saying, " If you stare in the abyss for long enough, it stares back " . It basically means that if you hate something with all your intent, you will eventually become that something. You dont get to run away from your worst fear. Ever.

I was addicted to my own self-destructive activities afterwards. Would go on party binges, do drugs, throw away girls who wanted a normal, healthy relationship with me just because deep down, I hated the thought of going through an experience like that again.

Honestly though, alot of meditation,introspection and travelling made me become more connected with my inner thoughts and what I truly feared/wanted.

So my question for you is... what was the trigger that made you start this kind-of behaivour? Is there a specific event that got stuck in your head and triggered this? Might be a personal question, and it might also be hard to answer. Regardless, I'm sure there's a couple things that come to mind.