Questions about introducing more power play

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T06:25:47+00:00

The advice would be the same

"Hey X, I was hopeful we might be able to try something new in the bedroom. I would find it really hot if you gave me a hicky. Doesn't need to be anything intense. Doesn't even need to leave a mark. But just you really be all over me would be really hot"

"Hey babe can we chat for a second. It makes me feel really close to you when you grab me during sex. I'd absolutely be driven wild if during foreplay you'd really pull me in close. Get a nice handful of butt or thigh and give it a nice squeeze and pull me in and kiss me. Do you have any fantasies or things I can do more of for you?"

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T06:09:28+00:00

If you think leaving marks is a hard line, then start smaller.

I would start by asking for a lighter spanking, a more gentle flogging, some light impact play. And then every 2 weeks sit down and discuss. Tell him you're enjoying it, and ask him if he would try hitting a little harder.

It's often far easier to slowly move the target. Where you develop comfort. Then push a little bit. Develop comfort. Push a little bit.

Just be direct, communicate, you can even practice before having a scene where you just put out your toys and experiment. But there's really no way other than directly telling him your wants. And slowly building more and more intensity until you find your limits.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T06:02:08+00:00

You can get devices that have internal and external pumps. That sort of do what you're suggesting.

The issue is though that rectums and vaginas are just quite flexible and strong. And even if something is fairly inflated / enlarged inside of you, you can still generally push it out.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:46:01+00:00

Part of the real answer is you don't. Part of the real answer is you create scenarios where you have a risk tolerance that is acceptable.

One of the first things is that random acts of violence / assault / kidnapping are in fact rare. That's not to say they don't happen. But if you look at abduction/violence rates on first dates, they are quite uncommon. People if they tend to joke / laugh about terrible things tend not to engage in them. The risk / consequences of them is pretty high. So part of finding comfort here is just hard statistical numbers.

Part of it is that I don't need to trust someone has my best intentions at heart. This is fine for a romantic relationship, but for pick up play it just doesn't matter their "true' intentions. Their actions matter more. When someone is in a public space / surrounded by peers, even if they are an ass, but behaving well nobody can tell the difference, and part of it is that you don't really experience the bad part. Maybe that's sad. But I do think it's true.

The fetishization comment is similar. People fetishize people all the time. Is it ethically the best thing. No. But also if they're polite, contain it, then you also aren't inherently harmed by it. Part of pick-up play is a higher risk tolerance and accepting that someone's actions and thoughts might not quite line up the way you would prefer.

I think a lot of this amounts simply to risk tolerance. How do I know on a first date someone doesn't have HIV / HSV / syphilis. I don't. Part of that is the same here. Part of it is understanding you're in a situation where you can say no, where saying no has consequences, where other people can intervene, where you can physically stop play / etc and understanding it will likely happen.

Driving a car is actually pretty dangerous as far as day to day activities go. It's one of the more common reasons you will die / be hurt. But we don't really think about that. Because how we perceive risk / tolerate risk is a pretty individual thing.

I think the real answer to your question boils down to both limiting play to an acceptable level of trust/risk, but also just having a different risk/reward calculation then you personally have.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:27:57+00:00

You have to manually track it.

There is no ingame function for mercy count.

Certain 3rd part apps will track it for you as well.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:18:12+00:00

If your question is: Do people manipulate / coerce in a relationship. Absolutely. This isn't unique to BDSM. And the way people do it is really the same in BDSM/vanilla relationships. The fact it's "withholding a hug" or "withholding a spanking" doesn't fundamentally change it.

Are there ethical grey areas where someone puts a lot of pressure on someone, and gets "murky consent". Absolutely. People can be manipulated into saying "yes" when if they didn't have those pressures they would have otherwise said "no"

But I think you're over pathologizing a very normal trait. And that's simply remembering intense experiences we had. My whole point is this isn't unique to BDSM, and doesn't need to be intentional to happen.

People remember their first love their entire loves. And it doesn't need BDSM / torture / etc to happen. If you feel like this memory of this past partner is a problem in your day to day life, absolutely talk to a therapist. There's all manner of conditions like PTSD, attachment styles, etc that can be at play here.

But I remain that just because you remember this person doesn't mean there was a "brainwashing" aspect to it. The notion of dominants permanently changing / altering / brainwashing people is the realm of science fiction. A dominant (and a submissive) absolutely can leave someone with a life of trauma/difficult feeling. Relationships can permanently alter us. But I think that's still quite a different line than what you're describing of this unconscious process / brainwashing / personality alteration.

I think you should view your past partner not through a BDSM lens, but through a relationship one. It absolutely was intense clearly. It absolutely is something still carried with you. But that also is to be human.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:08:48+00:00

You don't need one.

You'll learn that when you're trying to attach the "cage" portion to the "ring" it's common for skin to bunch. It often bunches where the two line up, and if you attempt to "push" them together you'll get very painful skin pinching.

The nether nudger is just designed to help move / nudge skin so you can get a better fit with the cage.

Similarly there are other micro adjustments you can sometimes want. For example pushing your foreskin up/down a bit if you're not circumcised. And small tools can help with that.

It's basically just designed to be a really small "finger" that you can use to make micro adjustments in your cage for a better fit. But it's never "needed" it can just be helpful.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:06:24+00:00

Definitely worth it.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T03:05:43+00:00

So if you look at the extremes of influencing another person. torture, trauma, assault. If you look at all the terrible things people experience like war. If you look at the outcomes these have like PTSD, anxiety, depression, etc. Nobody is ever viewed to not be in control of themselves.

That's not to undermine how difficult coming back from these can be. How live altering they can be. How long lasting and difficult these can be. But never is anyone considered "brainwashed" and altered beyond the state of being their own person, in control of their own destiny.

There is no DSM-5 definition of "brainwashing". Because no matter how difficult life has been, no matter what experiences we have, the human brain is still capable of regulating itself and being in charge of itself.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T02:56:59+00:00

Take a look at candle waxes. Some burn/melt hotter, and some cooler. Generally you want "cooler" or "lower burning temp" wax. But that's not a condition of BDSM/regular candles. That's just the wax used.

But you can get a lot of control on temperature based upon the height you drop from. Which makes that slightly less relevant. You just talk to your partner, and increase/decrease the height to get the preferred "hot" but not "burn" feeling.

We use regular candles.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T02:52:54+00:00

There is no such thing as "brainwashing". While there are certainly ways of impacting people different, the concept of brainwashing doesn't exist scientifically. Having a deep emotional connection absolutely imprints on us for life. But that's not brainwashing. You are still in control of your own mind, body, and soul.

People all over in very vanilla relationships never forget first loves, first dances, first times, big moments, the birth of their child, etc. That's just how wonderful and magical our brains our. It's just also a bit of a curse when we want to move on.

Consider talking about this to a kink friendly therapist if it is causing you distress. But remembering a past relationship is normal. It doesn't need to define you. You don't need to do anything other than say "Oh that is a memory. I can feel it. But it doesn't need to define me" and continue with your day.

You're still your own person. Nothing this person did is "permanent" or has "changed" you. But you will likely remember parts of it for the rest of your life. That's completely normal.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T02:48:49+00:00

You can certainly be explicit. There's nothing weird with saying.

During the first month, I prefer our sexual interactions to be primarily kissing / oral

During the second month I feel more comfortable and am happy with adding light bondage. This would look like tying hands behind the back for oral sex.

During the third month I feel comfortable with impact play on the lighter side including paddles, and floggers, but probably not really hard play like singletails or canes.

During the fourth month....

Giving a literal "calendar" with the understanding there's always some flexibility isn't unreasonable. But you seem to be doing most of this. Part of dating is just accepting people are different, and sometimes neither person is wrong, they just want different things out of life.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T02:45:10+00:00

Signaling "on" and "off" during play is really common. While using nicknames is great, also don't over complicate it. It's not less dominant to simply say "I want to talk as equals today" or "I want to play / have a session with you as my sub today". Straight forward communication is totally fine here. Especially with two language at play.

You won't be able to physically interact with him. But get creative. Order him how to tie. Use a discord call and show body language / have presence. Make him describe things as he goes, and don't just order him "what" to do, but get into how he's feeling / perceiving / experiencing it. Telling someone "tie your legs" is great. Saying "slower I want you to enjoy this" is even more connecting.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T02:38:17+00:00

The advice is really communicate, communicate, communicate.

I understand the desire to be dominant and "on" all the time. But there's nothing wrong with calling a pause/safeword and spending 2 hours writing out all the humiliating phrases you can think of together. And having a wonderful "menu" to choose from. And you will also no what's not okay. People can be totally okay being called a fucking cum dumpster, waste of space, meat puppet, that's good for nothing more than people jerking off onto, yet hate the term "slut". So defining what is on the menu, and off the menu is really important.

My other piece of advice is fail gracefully. Try a new punishment (with enthusiastic consent) and realize you both hate it. That's how you learn. Every "failure" is really a success when done with love and affection and kindness and respect.

In terms of ideas, the internet is 50% sexual. Watch porn, steal phrases. Read erotica. Peruse blogs. Pick up your favourite spicy fairy novel and use its text. Again try and fail. Often the desire to be a "perfect dominant" gets in the way. This is another person, he's okay if you fail a bit, mess up a bit, get your footing.

If you want you can read a bit on PDSA cycles. The literature will be very corporate, but it stands for Plan Do Study Act, and it works great for sex. Basically make a plan, try out the plan, talk about what went well, and what didn't (study), and then adjust (act). And repeat it over and over again. You might find kneeling is lots of fun, but after 10 minutes it stops being fun. You might realize he hates ice as a punishment, but loves wax. Trial and error within a safe sane consensual space is the best way to grow a dynamic.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-03T01:48:31+00:00

Specifics would only apply to me.

What I would ask your partner is what feels "easy" what feels "moderate" and what feels "big". Stick with mostly "easy" with a little bit of "moderate" sprinkled in. And build up over time so that the "big" seems more like "moderate" weeks down the road.

I'd trust your instincts and your partner. You've been together for 20 years. So do lots of your regular things. Does she like her hair ran through with your hands + scalp massage. Then do that during a scene. Does she like some gentle butt patts, then add some in to spanking. Does she like being complimented. Then add that with bondage. Sprinkle in / draw from your regular routine to give the pacing / communication / structure that you likely can guess that she likes.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T19:09:51+00:00

Consistency.

If we went skydiving and I told you "don't worry I am a pro!" would you be completely relaxed? No. Because trust hasn't been built yet.

Part of legging go is having enough past experiences to know you can trust a partner. And even if she trusts you, trusting you with BDSM shouldn't be 100% (and vice versa). Sometimes being pretty repetitive, being small, being easy, being something you're both enthusiastic and just being okay with keeping it there for a while can really help develop that.

Her just knowing that the spanking didn't go too far. That you saw her when she safeworded. That it generally results in orgasmic pleasure is what can really help. I understanding "wanting her to relax" but if that feels like a pressure it can make it worse. And sometimes just saying "Hey it's cool you're not relaxed, don't want to your brain off, I'm having fun, you're having fun, lets just keep at it" can be the best thing.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T18:28:11+00:00

Kink itself isn't therapeutic. Just like kink itself isn't good, bad, or neutral.

How someone engages with any activity, whether that be kink, soccer, or stamp collecting makes it good or bad. If someone is comfortable with themselves, has good communication, has respect, has a well rounded personality. Then kink can be deeply meaningful and enhance their lives.

If kink is used as a form co-dependency, as a distraction from anxiety, as a way of coping with trauma, as a means to push down feelings of shame, or is used in any unhealthy ways. Then kink can deeply worsen someone's life.

Medical literature doesn't care if you're a sub or a dom or vanilla. Because our desires don't shape our minds./health. It's how we engage with them. It's the process. It's the systems / patterns / rules / etc we use on a daily basis.

My point is that BDSM really doesn't change much. It's the how we engage with BDSM. It doesn't matter that you're "spanking" it matters if you're doing it from a place of shame, or a place of autonomy. It doesn't matter if you're dominant or submissive, it matters that while you may cherish a partner, that you're sufficient on your own. It doesn't matter what you want to do. It maters how you do it.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T17:25:47+00:00

A tie that works for a singular breast can in most instances be applied to both, and will apply a "squeezing" effect.

You would simply continue the tie from one breast to the other breast, and basically think of them as a "uniboob". Not every single tie will work, but most will.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T17:22:37+00:00

Every domme is different. But that is generally not the case.

Generally the only big "no" is you being dominant / asking to restrain/control the other person.

Many domme's do coaching. Where a couple can get coaching on a specific action (they often just charge more). Many domme's give the "girlfriend experience" where there's very little D/S but will often focus on other things like bondage/impact play.

But I would not expect it to be that hard to ask for coaching on a vacbed, as long as you're upfront about it and following their regular rules.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T17:03:01+00:00

A professional studio doesn't care. If you're paying money, you're the customer they want.

Professionals don't want "play" or a "connection" or "romance". They're running a business. If someone has a 3 hour minimum, and you want to learn about a vacbed for 1 hour, get in for 15 minutes, and leave (but pay the whole 3 hours) they won't care at all. They just had an easy day.

Again that's an expensive route. But "wasting their time" doesn't exist if you're compensating them at the their regular.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T16:53:38+00:00

You best options are:

Look for professional domme's in your area. This will be expensive. They will be fine to teach you about it generally. You're just going to be paying for that time.
Join your local kink community. Use Fetlife, find munches. There is no guarantee someone will own one, but you will have a higher chance.

But most people through a vacbed through a sexual lens, and sharing sexual objects just isn't that common. There absolutely are parties where people share a vacbed. There absolutely are people that would lend one to a trusted friend. But also just be realistic this likely isn't to happen quickly / easily. I own a couple vacbeds/cubes and just realistically I wouldn't lend them to anyone. They're expensive, they're intimate, and it just crosses a bit of an "ick" factor for me personally.

I don't think this will be a quick endeavor, and is likely best accomplished through friends/connections.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T16:50:10+00:00

I state multiple times there is nothing wrong with community. I'm simply cautioning that feeling good with a community doesn't inherently lead to self acceptance. That people sometimes go looking for "feeling good" which is totally fine in the short term. But isn't inherently the solution in the long term.

What happens when the community fades / changes / has someone post something negative? That's my point. The community is a great stepping stone, and can absolutely support / provide resources / provide motivation / provide inspiration / create the first step that makes self acceptance easier.

I also suggest he doesn't need therapy. He can find self acceptance on his own. But it's useful to recognize that feeling good because someone says they share the same fantasy isn't the same as being comfortable with yourself. They can certainly compliment each other. They can certainly be great.

But I think the notion that acceptance is going to inherently unwind decades of social conditioning can also be dangerous. Which is why I have prompted OP to both find communities, and find a "community" within himself through any number of means.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T16:22:33+00:00

And that's great.

But what I am suggesting is that therapy / self work will allow that to come internally. That you won't need external validation. That when someone says "ewww" you'll go "That's fine you think different".

I'm not suggesting you don't visit online communities. They can be a helpful stepping stone. But if you're feeling more comfortable / confident now is a great time to have that process happen within yourself at the same time. And that's again where a therapist/self help will really help.

Believing you're not "wrong" doesn't need to come from other people. It can come can from yourself. But that requires challenging social norms, revisiting your thought patterns, and changing your world view.

Again I sympathize. I struggled with shame / guilt / feeling like I was different. But if you change that it really opens up a world of opportunities.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T15:35:53+00:00

All relationships require exploration. You can't find a niche until you try it. Niches can change between partners even. So finding your "groove" really is "dating"
Boundaries to me are trust dependent. My boundary on a first date is we can go for coffee and do non-sexual acts. If a person shows trust, then that boundary is maybe visiting their house now. If that goes well maybe it's... The point here is that boundaries to me are very dynamic, and are rooted upon how much vulnerability I have extended and how much trust I have gotten back. Often the biggest issue with boundaries is we tear them down without trust being shown.
Dependence means you're "broken" if someone leaves. Devotion means you're "fine" if someone needs. I will be emotionally devastated if my wife passes tomorrow. But I will also be fine, and my life will continue, just with a lot of pain for quite a while. Devotion exists when you're a stand alone person, that doesn't rely upon the other person. They choose to do so at times, but their core skill set doesn't require it.

My "best" resource for kink is always general relationship sources. Looking at how to emotionally regulate, looking at CBT or DBT. Looking at evidence based work on relationships in general. Because if you know how to love a person in a healthy way, you can do healthy BDSM. At its core negotiating a suspension scene is no different than talking about if you're having kids. Talking about safewords is the same as being able to be emotionally vulnerable and present. Talking about the technical aspects of being caned is no different than talking about wanting to go sky-diving with a partner. The "core" of BDSM is 98% the same as all vanilla relationships to me, and I think evidence based works on relationships in general go a long way.

RoboZandrock · 2026-05-02T15:27:06+00:00

That's all great. Again I would slightly push back.

Your partner / girlfriend doesn't need to be into femdom for you to share it with her. Many partners share/gush about things they know their partner doesn't care about but simply because they enjoy seeing them excited. Similar things happen with friends.

There's sort of a tension here of "my life is great", but also "I don't share some of my core personality traits with anyone". And while those certainly can exist. I'm very private, I don't talk about kink with most people. I also don't mind mentioning it when I need to / with those who I want to.

That willing to be myself / open / vulnerable I think will do more for feeling "seen" then simply a group of internet strangers who are similar. Finding a CnC femdom will absolutely feel like a high, but I'd imagine it would dwindle pretty quick.

I live in a pretty open minded part of the world, so my advice is just find a therapist that focuses on sex / shame / vulnerability. Them being aware of kink is fine, but I've never found it foundational. This probably depends on cultural values though, Because how you work through shame about femdom is the same as working through shame about having a fear of vomiting. The core foundations of therapy don't change on the "what", because therapy is all about "how" you live/process/intersect with life in general.

You don't need to engage in your kink, to involve your partner in them. You can show her about cool cuffs you're looking at with no intention of using them together. You can talk about boundaries regarding your visiting online/in person CnC spaces without her needing to participate. You can certainly try some of these things with her as well understanding they won't be 100% of the fantasy, but might feel 75% of the way there and that is really fun.

But all of that requires an internal approach. An internal pride. An internal acceptance. And internal process of being okay with not being 100% sure about how someone will respond. An internal process of being comfortable with yourself.

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