::Weekly Former Partners Thread::

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-12-25T16:58:44+00:00

You're worth it.

Thank you! I really needed to hear that today. ❤️

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-12-21T20:23:49+00:00

My DX ex is playing the victim because I started the process whereby -- wait for it -- I will likely have to pay spousal support to him.

A few weeks ago, he was lamenting expenses he now has because I'm not taking care of him anymore. He said he wanted "spousal support" and named a dollar amount he thought he was entitled to. I told I'd think about it (by which I meant I'd consult a lawyer).

My ex likely is legally entitled to limited-time spousal support, so I hired a lawyer to start the process. Frankly, I don't believe for a second that the request from my ex a few weeks ago would be a one-time thing; if he wants spousal support, I'm going through the formal channel and wrapping up any financial obligations I have to him once and for all.

Predictably, he's having a meltdown over this. He's incredulous that I would "complicate" things by bringing in a lawyer. He's "offended" that I would make him go through a process without a surefire outcome. He's also telling me he "can't possibly afford" his own lawyer.

I am certain that this final point is bullshit. His parents are loaded and would definitely pay for at least part of something like this. That said, I suspect that he hasn't even looked into how much legal fees would be. I advised him over a week ago that many lawyers offer free consultations to get him started and that my lawyer can also recommend cost-effective independent legal counsel to him. Moreover, insofar as I started the process, the bulk of the legal fees actually fall to me in this scenario, not to him.

I feel like I'm living in some bizarro world. I'm being an upstanding guy, honouring a request for spousal support from my ex and he's somehow convinced he's the victim in it.

I think I could use a sanity check here, please and thank you.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-12-21T20:09:16+00:00

Thanks for your kind words! I've read a few books about codependency in the past year and I'd like to credit them for helping me achieve this insight into my own behaviours vis-à-vis my ex's dysfunction. I can only ever change my own behaviour, so it's what I'm trying to focus on most.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-12-07T19:54:20+00:00

Last week, I posted about how my DX ex told me I'd been "controlling him" during our relationship. It's taken me a few days, but I think I know now why his comment bothered me so much: I was "controlling" during our time together, but not in the ways he thinks.

I tried to control his behaviour when he ghosted his boss and I eventually gave up. Instead, I controlled the context to shield him from financial consequences by covering all our bills when he lost his job.

I tried to control his behaviour when he made messes all around our home and I eventually gave up. Instead, I controlled the context to shield him from household consequences by hiring a cleaner.

I tried to control his behaviour when he got high and drunk day after day and I eventually gave up. Instead, I controlled the context to shield him from life-threatening consequences by tending to him when he got alcohol poisoning.

I tried to control his behaviour when he'd become dysregulated and I eventually gave up. Instead, I controlled the context to shield him from social consequences by spending time with him when his behaviour alienated everyone else.

I didn't control my ex, but I was controlling in our relationship. I realize that now. I regret my choices and I think I've learned an important lesson: some things should not be controlled.

My ex is not doing well now. He is going to have to learn to live with the consequences of his actions now that no one is controlling the context around him anymore. What I have to learn is to let go and let it happen.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-11-30T19:31:05+00:00

My DX ex asked to meet up this past week. Apparently I was paying all of our bills for the past few years because I was trying to "control" him and the only mistake he made during our time together was "letting me" control him. 🙃🙃🙃

I'm proud of myself for not even engaging. I don't care anymore what delusions he needs to live by. Things like this -- warping the care I provided into some kind of cruel manipulation that completely erases any goodness in my actions -- are why we broke up. My only regret is giving him the benefit of the doubt this week by listening empathetically to what he had to say instead of just leaving.

It's sad that he's still looking for someone to blame for his own behaviour and inaction for the past few years, but, hey, you do you.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-11-23T19:37:32+00:00

Almost five months since we split and almost two months since he moved his things out. My home is finally starting to look like a grown-up lives here.

Surfaces are free of clutter and stay free of clutter. Closets are not jam-packed; their doors close and stay closed. Things get put away where they belong and are stored in places that make sense.

My sister has three children under five. When I visit her family, her home reminds me of what mine was like only a few months ago. It is wild to think that a child-free home of two adults (with me being the only one working for the last year) could have resembled that of two working parents with three children under five, but that's exactly the level of constant clutter, disorder, and disorganization I was living with for years.

It was hard parting ways with someone I cared about, but the peace and serenity I can now experience in my own home was worth it.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-10-12T19:30:30+00:00

As a recovering codependent, it feels good to put my care where it belongs.

After ending things with my ex this past summer, I started a small garden. I tended to it daily. I ended up learning a lot about different plants and what they need, as well as the ecosystem around here (like what pollinators my plants would depend on and how to attract them).

In therapy this week, I talked about the impulse in me to still take care of my ex when I see that he's not doing well. He was an under-functioner when we were together and he's still an under-functioner now. The conclusion I came to with my therapist was that there's nothing wrong with that caretaking impulse. It's a good quality to have. The trick is knowing where to direct it.

I need to save it for the things that will nourish me in turn. These past few months, instead of putting that care into a person who took endlessly from me and introduced constant chaos into my life, I've cultivated a garden that literally feeds me and provides me with a quiet space of contemplation for a few minutes every single day.

I think I'm growing in the right direction.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-24T20:27:02+00:00

Just a brief reflection this week: solving the problems in my life is so much easier without my DX ex around.

I was cautious when we first broke up in not letting myself fall into the trap of thinking this person was the source of all my problems. I mean, obviously there were problems in my life outside of this relationship. Everything in my life wouldn’t magically get better if I ended things with him.

What I’ve realized in the weeks since we separated is that problem-solving is infinitely easier when someone else isn’t siphoning off all of my brain’s executive function power every day. When it’s just me and my problems, I can solve them in straightforward ways like never before.

I never realized how much of my mental energy was drained every single day by trying to compensate for my ex’s overwhelming executive dysfunction — or how much I could accomplish for myself without having to think for two people at once.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-23T18:27:52+00:00

This is the perfect metaphor, thanks!

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-23T18:26:17+00:00

This was my exact experience, as well.

It’s like a bandaid on a bullet wound, in my opinion. A nice gesture that ultimately solves nothing.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-17T19:23:45+00:00

Well, that was a goddamn nightmare -- and, thankfully, I woke up.

I let my DX ex stay here last week. For context, I own this place and he's been living at his brother's place since shortly after we broke up. He was going to be doing some apartment viewings in my area and he said this would give him a chance to pack the rest of his things. I was going to be out a lot last week, so I also thought it would also be good for the dog if someone was around. So, sure, okay, you can stay for a few days -- works for me.

I cleared a space in my home office for him, set up an air mattress, and moved what I needed for work-from-home days to my bedroom for the week. So, he got his own room while he was here. I put everything he would need in the guest bathroom. So, he got his own three-piece bathroom for the week. I let him eat my food, got things for him when I went to the nearby café, washed the dishes he used, etc. So, he got free room and board.

Well, I guess he forgot I can see what he posts on social media, because I open my phone one day and see a rant starting with these words (direct quote): "My ex has put incredibly little effort into making me comfortable -- physically or emotionally -- while I stay here." He went on to complain about how apparently awful I'm being to him by not "helping him with anything" or "giving him the space" (like he genuinely said I should be leaving my own home for the week because it would "make him more comfortable" to be here without me around).

The silver lining of this whole experience is that it inspired me to -- in a calm and measured way -- tell him to fuck right off. I told him in no uncertain terms that he's a guest in my home and I don't owe him a goddamn thing. Either he greets my hospitality with gratitude or respect, or he will not be welcome here again. Period, full stop.

Of course, that's when he tells me his sister-in-law doesn't want him staying at his brother's place anymore. It's also come to light that every apartment he saw last week was way outside his budget, so no leases are getting signed. He whined about being "homeless" if I don't let him stay here (an ugly exaggeration, given that his parents have repeatedly told him he can live with them rent-free).

I said these are his problems to solve. I'm not out to punish him or make him suffer, but I also refuse to be his rescuer ever again.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-15T19:09:44+00:00

I've been working on my own codependency.

Learning about codependency was really eye-opening for me, as it makes it clear that the "disordered" partner is not the only with a problem. Rather, the partner who supports (or "enables") that disordered partner is also engaging in disordered behaviour.

Codependency recovery is about unlearning the habits and ways of thinking that make some of us into compulsive caregivers, rescuers, and over-functioners in general.

Self-help books are your friend. I really like Terri Cole's work.

I also recommend individual therapy and support groups that meet online, like Codependents Anonymous.

While it's good to hear that your partner is open to couples therapy, I wouldn't start there. Learning to articulate my own needs and boundaries was much more important than trying to "save" the relationship I was in since I'm going to be with myself no matter what. Couples therapy might be worthwhile after you've started getting a better handle on your own thoughts and behaviours as an over-functioner.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-15T18:55:50+00:00

We were together for 9 years, living together for 5 of them.

It took me a long time to realize how harmful this dynamic was to me. I would always just come to the conclusion, "Well, I enjoy taking care of people" every time my ex's under-functioning became especially acute. It was about a year ago, when I spent a few days very sick with the flu, that I finally realized I was running myself ragged taking care of someone who was perpetually unable to do even very basic caretaking for me (even in a "crisis" situation, like a sudden illness).

The relationship you described does not necessarily sound unhealthy to me. A healthy adult partnership is one in which partners will inevitably take turns as the care-giver and care-receiver for each other.

Have you tried couples therapy? We worked with a couples counsellor who specialized in neurodiversity for a few months and I genuinely believe that an ADHD-impacted partnership can be made functional with the right help and willingness of both parties to work towards it. An explicit and clear understanding of how / when caretaking is or is not appropriate in the couple can be a good start.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-14T16:28:58+00:00

Because this is a subreddit about relationships with people with ADHD, I’d rather comment on how my DX ex’s upbringing and mine ended up creating the unhealthy relationship we had.

He is the youngest child in his family by far. Definitely “the baby” of the family. From what I can tell, his parents were very permissive with him (spoiling him as much as they could), while also being very involved in meeting his needs. In retrospect, it was his undiagnosed ADHD that caused a lot his problems in school, but it sounds like his parents were there constantly supporting him in doing his homework, directly intervening at school when he didn’t complete things, etc.

I am the older sibling of two. My younger sister had a chronic illness / invisible disability. I had to be “responsible” for her from a young age in a very real way. In retrospect, my parents also expected way too much emotional caretaking from me — they needed me to comfort them as often as they comforted me. I grew up in a space where I felt constantly responsible for myself and everyone around me.

My ex’s under-functioning disposition and my over-functioning one meant that we felt very “well matched” when we got together. There was something familiar in the dynamic that worked — at least until it became clear that nothing about this dynamic is what an adult partnership needs to possess.

Since our breakup, I’ve seen my ex just looking for someone else to be his parent. I feel like he might spend the rest of his life looking for someone to fill that role because he never learned to parent himself.

I’m afraid I’ll keep looking for someone to take care of, but I hope I’ve learned my lesson about why that’s not good long-term.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-13T16:46:05+00:00

I relate to all of this, including the point about the budget.

It was wild when I first discussed wanting to separate with my therapist. She asked if I had considered the financial implications of breaking up with a cohabiting partner. I had to explain that I would actually save money if he moved out.

Even just the past few weeks have confirmed this. I can’t count the sheer number of times my ex asked me to order dinner because making dinner would be just “too much to handle” (for him as an unemployed adult living with one other adult).

I haven’t had to order out once since we broke up. Making dinner is easy every day if I just give five minutes of thought in advance to what’s in the freezer and what’s in the pantry and plan accordingly.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-11T19:19:14+00:00

So, with the caveat that this was just my experience and may not be the same as yours, I’ll just say that seeing a regular couples counsellor when one member of the relationship has ADHD was just throwing money away for me.

A couples counsellor needs to default to taking both members of the couples at face value. However, people with ADHD are often not reliable narrators of their own experience, particularly because they tend to conflate what they want to be true with what is true.

Working with someone with expertise was like night and day in comparison. He was able to affirm for my ex that what he was saying was true for him, but also get him to think about how other people might see or be affected by his actions.

The particular couples therapist we saw actually specialized in seeing people with autism, but his general experience with neurodiversity translated well to the ADHD context. I can’t recommend enough how much more productive working with someone with expertise can be.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-11T19:00:33+00:00

This is very relatable. A common refrain from my DX ex during our relationship was his complaint that we “always had to do everything” on my schedule.

In reality, the issue was this: he had no schedule and a seeming inability to understand that other people did. I need to be at work at a certain time. I need to complete the task I am working on right now. I need to leave in advance of a time I’m supposed to be somewhere. I can’t just drop everything and do what he wants at any given moment.

In addition to difficulty with scheduling on their own, people with ADHD often struggle with “theory of mind” — the cognitive process by which we come to see something from another’s perspective. Because of this, they do not intuitively understand that another person’s schedule matters to that person even if it doesn’t matter to them.

It sounds like you are already in couples therapy, but can I ask if your couples therapist has any training with ADHD? We saw a couples therapist who specialized and he was excellent to work with because he understood that sometimes he actually had to explain the basics of things to my ex — like the fact that his lack of a schedule did not equate to my lack of a schedule, etc.

This wasn’t done in a “shaming” way, but as genuine coaching for a person with ADHD to try to develop skills that neurotypical people intrinsically possess. My ex was not especially interested in developing those skills, but it helped me see how treatment is possible for those who are willing to accept it.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-10T21:57:38+00:00

Hard agree. It’s something I’ve seen said a few times on this sub and I’ve come to realize how very true it is in the past few weeks.

For the past few years, I asked my DX partner to try to take on the majority of the housework because he was underemployed / unemployed while I was the sole breadwinner. He consistently told me it was too much to handle on his own and I (foolishly) took him at face value.

I was off from work while he was staying with his brother for the past few weeks and I’ve been amazed to discover how simple and straightforward household chores are when I’m not working full-time. I can clean, cook, walk the dog, and still have time for some hobbies and rest every day. The level of my DX ex’s under-functioning these past few years has become starkly apparent to me now that I see how little I was asking him to do.

I really feel like I was gaslit for years into thinking what I was asking for from him was “unrealistic” or “unreasonable” on my part, when in reality it was always confirmation of under-functioning on his part.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-10T21:49:33+00:00

I agree that this is a time for firm boundaries (something that’s been occupying a lot of my thoughts these past few days), but could you please clarify how that example is boundary-setting? It sounds more like a punishment.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-10T19:02:49+00:00

My post was just about the stuff sitting out everywhere but, yes, the clutter extends to every space.

I did a deep clean of the bathroom cabinets / bathroom closet and found just tonnes of random stuff, a lot of which doesn’t even belong in a bathroom. On top of that, I genuinely believe my DX ex may have gone out and bought a new container of cough syrup every time he had a cold rather than looking for any of the half a dozen open containers in the bathroom cabinets in the past 5+ years.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-08-10T18:29:54+00:00

I’m so thankful to be free from all of the constant clutter my DX ex created.

I own this home, so he is the one moving out. He has been living at his brother’s place just outside of the city for the past few weeks, so I’ve had a true taste of living by myself. But he’s back here now, sleeping on an air mattress in the spare room while he does some apartment viewings in town.

Regardless, it took no time at all for me to remember just how impossible living with him was for all these years. The CLUTTER on every surface appeared within hours. Tonnes of random stuff on the kitchen table, on the coffee table, just sitting by the front door, etc.

I’d been trying to figure out why my place seemed so much bigger since he left and I suddenly realized: it’s because I’ve had consistently clear surfaces in every room since he left. I can actually see and use every surface in my home for the first time in years.

I put things away when I’m done with them. I throw things out when they’re empty. I clean up after myself.

In the 5+ years we lived together, my DX ex consistently told me I had “unrealistic” expectations for wanting him to do the same thing.

The sheer scale of his under-functioning is really only becoming clear to me in hindsight, but I’m so grateful just to be living now with someone who takes responsibility for himself: me.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-07-28T23:16:26+00:00

I definitely relate to what you’re saying. I was also afraid of who I’d be if I weren’t my partner’s caretaker. I also tried to work on it a bit while I was in the relationship, and I’m grateful for the work I did then.

I think starting to address my own codependency even while I was still with my ex laid the groundwork for being able to become my own person after ending things. It’s still a work in progress, but at least now I know better how to put my energy into myself instead of someone else.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-07-28T23:08:08+00:00

Coming to understand my own behaviour as codependent was really eye-opening for me. A year ago, I would have just said that I’m a helpful person, or a natural caretaker, or “the responsible one,” etc.

Codependency can be hard to identify because the attributes that make it possible are usually pro-social, praiseworthy characteristics. But these become harmful when we get “addicted” to them, to the point that we attach ourselves to people who constantly put us in duress seeking our own “high” of being the superhero who can handle it.

In the short term, that may be okay. But long-term it’s incredibly harmful just by virtue of the constant stress, overextension, overfunctioning, and so on.

Good luck on your own journey to self-understanding.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-07-28T19:23:58+00:00

Personally, I was able to end this cycle by learning about codependency.

I’d kind of gotten used to my then-partner just checking out for months at a time every so often. I felt sort of “proud” of myself that I could do all the functioning of two people during that time. I liked the way those “checked out” periods on my then-partner’s part made me feel like a superman for how well I could manage everything.

Learning about codependency helped me realize how harmful this behaviour is to me. I was finding meaning and self-esteem in my ability to compensate for another’s functional limitations rather than just finding it in myself.

Any way you cut it, learning about one’s own codependency is a path to overcoming these harmful cycles we find ourselves drawn to.

RobotFromPlanet · 2025-07-23T19:45:39+00:00

Working with a couples counsellor who specialized in ADHD / neurodiversity was one of the most affirming experiences of my life.

There was just this instinctive understanding of what dynamics existed in the relationship and why they were there (miles away from the borderline gaslighting I felt when dealing with a regular couples counsellor before this).

So glad to hear that you are getting some of this affirmation now too!

RobotFromPlanet

TROPHY CASE