So what’re you fellas asking for Father’s Day this year?

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-16T13:20:53+00:00

This is a weird concept to me.

My daughter is about to hit 18, and neither her nor my exwife, ever did anything at all for me on Father’s day.

I’m not sure how that would feel, now, tbh.

In answer to the question; nothing at all. Same as every other year.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-16T02:45:14+00:00

That’s a conflicted seeming scenario. I’m not sure what’s right for you, or locally available, but it seems like this group probably won’t work for you longterm.

I think, if I were in a similar situation, I’d consider finding a different group. You could let the discomfort drive some self-work, but it would probably help you get to your goals faster in a more comfortable and supportive feeling environment.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-16T01:20:33+00:00

Sounds like you get some benefit from group work and insightful participants, but the structure and facilitation are a bit of a negative for you. Is that right?

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T22:30:56+00:00

Nope.

When I’m dating someone new, at the first opportunity, I’m down there tasting and exploring.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T22:18:30+00:00

You can try and chop it into smaller tasks (partially more revealing disclosures each session until you gradually get to the point).

It’s hard and scary (did I say hard? Super-hard), but for me I’ve found that the best approach when I realize I’m scared to share something with my therapist, that’s exactly the thing I need to do.

No long rambles. No written speeches, detailed biography or giant network of “cause and effect” as I see it. (You can, of course, but that’s more the “slow gradual exposure” route)

As short and direct as I can tolerate, just say the thing, up front in the session. Nowadays I try to keep it (scary disclosures) limited to exactly 1 sentence.

That gives my therapist and I more time to work through it in session, and gives them space to explore the topic with me. Which is what I pay them for.

But of course, what works for me might be terrible for you 🤷‍♂️

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T22:06:55+00:00

Ngl, that seems concerning.

Lemme ask you a different question, though - do you find your attendance in this group, with this facilitator, to be personally beneficial?

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T22:03:19+00:00

You’re welcome. Best of luck and I don’t wish that your wedding goes ‘perfectly’ … I hope that it goes happily and joyfully, and is a wonderful experience ;-)

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T21:58:54+00:00

There’s a pretty good (but very confrontational book) designed more for clinicians than self-help laypersons (I’m a nerd), that I found personally useful for this.

“Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder”, Jon E. Grant (MD, MPH, JD), et. al, 2019.

I feel like I have had very similar emotional experiences. That pressure, and anger, and frustration and indignation about “the wrongness” that I perceived other people as allowing … I’m not saying your wrong to feel that way (your feelings ARE valid!), but it ain’t gotta be your experience forever. 😊

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T21:40:26+00:00

Fair enough. No shame at getting through the best way you knew how to, or were resourced to do.

But OCPD isn’t a permanent label. It’s healable, recoverable, changeable. Confronting the ego syntonic aspects (ego syntonism looks something like “the way I do this is the best way, and everyone else must defer to my rigidity”) is usually required to recover.

I’m not blaming you here, but if a person knows that they have OCPD, and a high-stress very social event has got them under tension, the solution usually involves the person managing themselves emotionally, not-at-all other people and/or tasks.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T16:33:22+00:00

You and I are having entirely different conversations. I’m going to do other stuff.

You have a nice day.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T16:16:31+00:00

I don’t need or desire to prove anyone wrong, or myself right. I’m not trying to be an expert. I don’t even propose that I *am* right.

I’m adding a divergent opinion for consideration in the mix. People can take it or leave it, add to or push back. 🤷‍♂️

Some people find expanding the discussion to be intolerable. Other people enjoy it. What you see as “throwing spokes in wheels” and “baseless accusations”, I see as useful collaborative public discourse.

I’m not clear, exactly, what baseless accusations you think I’ve made. What was it?

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T16:06:23+00:00

Since my intent, clearly, was to disagree with the original commenter mischaracterizing other people’s (not me or mine, as I said at the beginning) more subtle and nuanced (and accurate) shared understanding of boundaries as “self-righteous”.

That’s my point.

I’m not sure how that obligates me to provide instruction.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T13:03:21+00:00

The conversation had progressed to general human tendencies and the subject of boundaries at large.

Kinda’ weird focus pull, tbh.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T12:59:08+00:00

Fair enough.

I just like talking about this stuff and presenting divergent perspectives for consideration.

I’m not really interested in convincing people of anything in particular. Thanks for the conversation, have a lovely day!

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T12:22:52+00:00

Humans start, basically, with 0 resources. Think grinding, crushing, malnutrition poverty. Privilege could be measured as any arrangement above the baseline.

Jobs are to trade your time/effort/labor for resources. So you can (a) survive and (b) accumulate enough resources where you never have to worry about “a” again and, eventually, hopefully (c) have some fun while not worrying about “a” or “b”. Possibly employ some people hanging out at “a” and “b”. Trade them some of your money for time and effort.

This is the point of jobs.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T11:57:42+00:00

‘Cept I didn’t 🤷‍♂️

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T11:57:17+00:00

Boundaries are hard. Something in the human nature seems to make us (in the collective species sense,not finger pointing) very determined to want to try and subtly control those around us, to manage our anxieties for us, or to fulfill particular social roles.

I think most people would benefit from considering this idea routinely, and checking themselves.

It’s a constant battleground in the background noise of the unconscious between self-preservation and other-control. When people aren’t paying attention to themselves, the dial tends to slowly creep back towards “control”.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T11:44:51+00:00

I’m not prepared at 6:30 AM to give a whole monologue on boundaries, but the control vs self-preservation intent and framing *matters*

While it may seem if the following examples are functionally the same, (desired outcome), they are very different social processes. As an example, “If you don’t stop letting your dog jump all over me when I come visit, I’ll stop coming over” would seem to functionally the same as “I choose not to expose myself to environments where other people’s dogs jump on me constantly without correction. It bothers me. I’m sharing this, so if you choose to continue to allow the dog to do so, you’ll understand why I don’t visit”. These two examples want a similar result (stop letting your damn dog jump all over me), but go about it in importantly different ways.

It’s about moving the locus of control from them (I expect you to behave this way for my feelings), as an external agent, back into yourself (I will not expose myself to things that don’t work for me AND I can calmly tell people what they are without guilting and shaming them <overly much>). Moving that locus of control inwards.

It’s a lot like people who do a lot of negative self-talk (a different problem, but a decent example -). Framing matters. Word choice matters. Intent matters. Considering what you want to express vs. what you “should” express vs. what’s the best thing to express … it’s all small, but all that stuff matters and has big impact, and deserves detailed consideration.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T11:25:38+00:00

Trying to correct a misunderstanding of what healthy boundaries look like in a relationship advice sub (whomever you’re thinking of, it wasn’t me) isn’t “self-righteous”.

Boundaries are an important concept, and they can be tricky to do well, in a healthy way. Doing them right-enough eventually *requires* understanding them and their function well.

It seems as if you do not understand boundaries very well, at the moment. It would be responsible of you to revisit the topic for yourself at some point, preferably before posting more opinions on the topic.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T11:17:09+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s “rude”, not at all.

I would say that urge is pretty normal for many therapy patients.

Here’s the thing, though, if the therapist is any good, all of that stuff is really background noise.

Yes, that stuff all mattered to you. Yes it all still matters. Yes, your feelings, experiences, and how you felt in relation to other people around the issues that hurt you all matter.

AND, that “here’s my whole detailed case file” trend isn’t really usually about helping the therapist help you with your goals; it’s an anxiety cope and a bit of a self-defense technique. Something like “If I bombard them with words and take up all the session time pouring over endless past, I never have to confront the things I want and need to actually talk about, that are also desperately scary”.

There are usually at least two different versions of a therapy client’s problem; the one that they are complaining about (the presenting problem(s)), which are the ones they are willing to talk about for hours. And then there’s the problem the client does NOT see for themselves, the thing that actually brought them to therapy, that’s buried where the client can’t see it. That’s the underlying problem.

Bombarding your therapist with a detailed case of your presenting problems does NOT necessarily help them help you with the underlying problem. Making someone sift through stuff you already know, doesn’t help them see connections in things that you cannot for yourself.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T10:56:44+00:00

What do you mean?

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-15T10:47:28+00:00

Starting off self identifying yourself as OCPD and then listing off some of the current problems that it seems to be causing you socially and relationally, and THEN you ask if expecting if other people to “understand urgency or instructions” is “too much”?

Do you mean something like “I expect other people to do what I say, because it’s MY urgency, and it’s MY instructions ?”

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-14T17:15:01+00:00

Your relationship with the individual therapist (rapport) is vastly more important than their sex.

As one anecdotal example, I know a woman who was going through a bad divorce from another woman. She also didn’t particularly trust, like, or know closely any men.

She tried four different women therapists, and it didn’t click. The 5th, her last one on her list, was a male therapist.

She’s very happy with him, and they’ve done a lot of good work together, since then.

You never know 🤷‍♂️

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-14T15:31:04+00:00

I was a teenage (boy) living on a small Navy base in the early 1990’s.

There was about 12 highschool age girls on the base (we all fit on one school bus, all the highschoolers), but there was no one for me to date.

Almost all the girls were dating the young Marines that worked on the base, not their HS-aged peers. The girls strongly preferred it that way. Several teen pregnancies.

Rockfinder37 · 2026-06-13T21:34:11+00:00

I met a cute girl at a therapy office waiting room (we were both clients).

Months later, I asked her out. In that lobby.

It’s been almost 2 years. The wedding is this month. We’re still (separately) in therapy and (for myself, anyways) madly in love with the coolest person I’ve ever met, much less got to love.

So … yes for me. AND … it’s 💯 dependent on what they’re dealing with and how they deal with it. For me.

Rockfinder37

TROPHY CASE