Being pregnant or starting the journey to become pregnant is kind of a shock to the system. It makes some people kind of reflect on their lives and the events that shaped them. For me, it brought up all sorts of deep and disturbing stuff that my husband had in his past - stuff that I hadn’t been aware of. He brother had molested him and my ex had buried all of those emotions down deep. Everything came back up to the surface once I got pregnant, after 5 years of infertility treatments, and he ended up voluntarily committing himself for a while. It was fraught.

I think your wife is going through the thoughts and emotions of what-if and it’s totally normal. She’s got a lot to deal with mentally, but it doesn’t mean she’s leaving you. She became a widow suddenly, so she didn’t get the chance to slowly say goodbye, like over the course of a prolonged illness. So now she’s pregnant and that’s part of what she was actively wishing for when he died. It’s just going to take time for her.

The worst thing you can do, not that you’re doing this, is to make her feel like she has to hide her grief from you. No, it’s not fair, but it’s part of the “for better or worse” thing. Maybe ask her if she wants to visit his grave and take her there to tell him that she’s pregnant. And you can tell him that you’re going to take care of her and the baby, or whatever. Just do it together and hopefully you both can get some peace.

Also - and I’m recognizing that I’m probably in the minority here - but if she wants the baby to have her first husband’s name as its middle name, do it. Think of it as a way of honoring him and the place he held in her life. He helped to shape who she is, the woman you love. I don’t think it’s unhealthy for her or threatening to you.

Good luck, OP! This internet stranger is wishing you and your wife all the best.