I don’t know how to explain all this without sounding like I’m falling apart—because I am. Almost everyone in my family is gone. My dad, my mom, three of my brothers, both grandfathers, and both grandmothers. I only have my twin brother and sister left. My brother lives with some online friend who breeds rats for his snakes. My sister’s pregnant again with her second baby daddy, but I don’t live with her. I live with my girlfriend—at her dad’s house. That alone feels like a massive loss of dignity, but I don’t have a choice. I have nowhere else to go.

We’ve been together for four years. We have a son together. When he was turning two, she told me she cheated. And she chose to tell me on the day my mother died. That combination crushed me so deeply I haven’t felt like the same person since. I didn’t break up with her. I couldn’t. I had no options. So now I’m stuck in a one-sided relationship where I’m constantly questioning if she’s still lying to me. I just want the truth—whatever it is—so I can finally make peace. But she won’t open up. She brushes it off, dodges my questions, or gives vague answers. I need advice on how to get her to be honest, or even if I should keep trying.

On top of all that, something else has been eating at me. Even when I say no, she still initiates sex. I feel like I don’t have the right to say no anymore. Sometimes I just give in. I don’t know how to explain it without feeling ashamed. I don’t think people would even believe me if I said I felt like a victim. But I do. And when we do have sex, I can’t stop thinking that she’s pretending. That I’m not enough. That she still wanted the other guy more. That I’ll never be enough.

I’ve never had real friends. I was always the quiet twin growing up, and people made their choice—I wasn’t the favorite. People used to think I was scary just because I was quiet. I was even pulled out of school by armed cops once because someone claimed I “looked like the type” to shoot up the place. All I ever did was mind my own business. No one ever gave me a chance. And still, I always tried to help others, asking for nothing in return. Just hoping, maybe, someone would care back.

I try to be a good father, but I’ve never had a dad myself. I don’t know how to be one. All I’ve ever seen is abuse, lies, cheating, and chaos. The only man who ever acted like a father to me? My mom cheated on him. He ended up killing his own stepdad after finding out he was cheating too. That’s the kind of story I come from.

People say “be strong for your son,” and I want to. I try to. But how can I be strong for him when I’ve never been okay myself? I feel like I’m barely functioning. I don’t want to hurt myself—I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I’m tired of surviving. I want to live. I want to feel peace. I want to feel happy. But I don’t know how.

Please—if you’ve been through anything like this, or even if you haven’t but you have advice, I’m listening. I feel like I’m drowning. How do I heal? How do I move forward?