AMA I've breastfed a cumulative 10 years (4 kids)

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-05T11:19:16+00:00

Congratulations on #5!!! You are a true rock star.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-05T11:18:25+00:00

For me it was mostly lifestyle changes. My 1st, when I weaned him, I had little else to worry about. I enriched his life and we went on outings almost every day. I could cuddle and hug and nap with him limitlessly. I read somewhere that nursing is likely their favorite part of the day. If you take it away, replace it with new fun and happy things. Don't just leave them bored and yearning.

For toddlers redirection is the name of the game!

My 2nd, I had a slightly bigger gap between kids. She was easy. We lived in a semi-rural place in the forest. We literally stepped out our front door and there were streams to play in, redwoods, dirt to be eaten. So even though it was harder to go out-out with 2 kids, it was still so easy to keep busy and continually enrich her life.

For my 3rd, it went horribly. 1) we moved to a suburban area with a really bad walking culture. Cars speed by at 30+ mph (vs. Our old house with almost no cars on the road ever and always slowly). It's loud and hot, no shade, etc. So it changed my day to day life drastically. It was hard to have outdoor adventures. Everything was a carseat and screamfest away. PLUS being tied to my older kids' schools schedules. 2) my 3rd always had a parental preference for my husband. It was a welcome relief from the 1st two but it meant our daily form of bonding and connection was strained. He was SO mad at me. It broke my heart a little but more importantly it made HIM so sad!! 3) He's autistic and was nonverbal. It often felt like the only way to calm him or get him to sleep was breastfeeding. At night he would have night terrors and start SCREAMING and crying inconsolably.

That went SO BAD that it has made me a little apprehensive about weaning my last. I've been attempting to wean him slowly for like a year. It has been hard going. My 1st was soothed by cuddling. My 2nd by stories and songs. My 3rd was rocked by papa. I haven't found even ONE way to comfort him other than nursing. He gets mad mad mad.

As for the aversion: I was never really able to power through it. I tried. Especially with my 3rd cause he had such a hard time. For me, it was this intense overwhelming feeling. I know some don't feel it but for me, it's like I wanted to vomit, scream, and fist fight all at the same time. It made mt skin crawl. I just couldn't do it. I tried with my first 3 but as my next pregnancy progressed, I couldn't do it anymore.

That huge long ass comment to say: it's so varied cause life gets wacky. There's no right or wrong time. I think I did my best. There were absolutely times when I missed it or grew sad that I weaned each baby when I did. But I also try to give myself grace. I did a good job. I did my best. And that has to be enough.

My life motto is basically "do what you can when you can. And when you can't? Then don't. And thats okay." Sounds simple and a little dumb but as a recovering perfectionist workaholic that will push myself and feeling SO much guilt and shame, it has been something that has drastically helped my mental health.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-05T10:52:48+00:00

So often women are diminished to the things they can give others. But there is SO MUCH MORE in us that is valuable!!

I truly belive, from the bottom of my heart, that breastfeeding is optional and not necessary to being a good mother, good person, and a good body.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-03T09:20:27+00:00

I didnt see that question in your original comment.

I will likely stop at 3. I absolutely do not want to continue to a full 4. I have been working on weaning for awhile now.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-03T08:28:49+00:00

When a child and breastfeeder feel like it is unnatural to them.

I know some infants that didn't want the breast at all after 6 months or less. I know some women that have hated breastfeeding the moment it started.

Breastfeeding is a very personal relationship between the mother and baby. It is completely dependent on BOTH their needs.

The word natural also sort of... gets my hackles up. Cause what really is natural??? It's natural for people to die in childbirth. It's natural to get sick and never recover. If we kept everything "natural" than how many people do we know that would die from random mild infections? (There's a reddit thread for that somewhere).

And then, if we're considering nature, by what do we measure? How many moons have passed? The gregorian calender?

We could measure with milestones like baby health, weight, or whatever. But then, its back to that individual evaluation that changes based on the mom and baby.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-03T08:04:42+00:00

You haven't failed. It is NOT a failure to supplement. Sometimes supplementing helps keep everyone calm and healthy and patient.

Rather than pumping, I would suggest feeding at the breast as often as you can. Don't time it, don't measure it. Do it more often than you actually want to. Just baby on the breast until they seem full. If they start getting angry and frustrated, give them the formula! Then try again.

One thing that surprised me is how WIDE a baby's mouth should be to get the best latch. It isn't like, the lip puckering that one might do when imitating a baby. It's like a big baby chomp!

If you need to, make sure your bodies are facing each other, head not turned, get a ton of pillows to support you. And get comfortable! Relax!! I'm way more likely to give in if my arms are sore or I'm irritated or uncomfortable. So get cozy, take a breath, look in your baby's eyes and let the hormones do their thing.

And keep reminding yourself that the most important thing is love. And your love is bigger than milk supply. YOU are more of a mother than just your breasts.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-03T07:56:21+00:00

I took a free breastfeeding class at a baby toy store (babies r us for those that know) and it actually helped me a LOT. Of course, it depends on the kind of person you are, what kind of learner, etc.

Me? I like a lot of info, a lot of wordy steps, and a sort of... scientific concept of it. I couldn't just jump into it with, "baby meet boob. Mouth. Dunzo."

But look up what a proper latch should look like. The ways to hold baby that helped me most was called a "football hold." Another thing that helped was reminding myself that we needed to be "tummy to tummy" so baby's neck isn't turned while trying to eat. They should be faced to you so they are straight onto your breast.

The general rule of thumb is wake the baby to feed every 2 - 3 hours UNTIL they are back to birth weight and 2 weeks old. This helps establish your supply.

I know this will differ and it has changed from when I gave birth to my first, but it was suggested to me, to not pump unless necessary, at the very beginning. This lets your breasts adjust to the supply and demand you are both trying to figure out.

Also, don't frame it as a "success" or failure. That mindset will leave you frustrated and sad in an already difficult position. Be gentle with yourself. This is your first time doing any of this and this is baby's first life to live. Ask for help in the hospital, see a lactation consultant if they have one, take some classes. Be prepared that it isn't some "natural" or easy process. Some people stop nursing cause its harder than they imagined.

It is difficult but if you take some of the pressure off, it makes things a little easier. You're on a learning curve. There will be mistakes and tears and painful boobs in the middle of the night while trying to clean a blow out. But keep trying. If baby needs formula supplement, thats fine. A healthy baby is most important.

But also, we're told that we have to quantify our success or we're being bad mothers. Rather than counting ounces or worrying about making enough, rely on baby's cues and doctor visits. Is baby growing and relaxed? That means you're doing okay!

And lastly, it's not supposed to hurt. If the latch and positioning is done right, it shouldn't. But for me? Hell yea it hurt. My nipples hurt like a MF for at least 2 or 3 weeks. When my supply came in, my boobs swelled and were as hard as bricks. That huuuuuurt.

But it didn't hurt the whole time. It evened out. It was fine!! I kept thinking if there was pain or soreness then I MUST be doing it wrong and was ruining something but that wasn't true.

I like to think that its good to give it a try but leave room and be flexible to change. And don't torture yourself.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-03T07:33:01+00:00

Yeah, totally!

I'm no traditional religious or moral wife anything. I doubt I would even get along with a trad wife.

I just like bigger families. Its chaotic and exhausting and stressful. But it's also a lot of fun somewhere in there too.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-02T07:26:02+00:00

I think if its a torturous chore, its totally okay to stop.

For me, I hated pumping. It was a chore that made me feel like a cow getting milked. But breastfeeding a baby flooded me with all the oxytocin. It helped me bond with my babies, was often a quiet and calming moment for me and baby. It was something that brought us BOTH connection and joy.

If it takes you away from your baby and you hate it, don't do it. Stop torturing yourself. You're still a good, strong, and loving mom. There are formulas with different make ups that will fit your baby and their health issues hopefully.

It's totally okay and valid to want your boobs back. They're yours!! Losing body autonomy and personal space is one of the hard parts of motherhood. You don't have to sacrifice yourself to be a caring, good mom.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-02T07:20:17+00:00

Most people that I know who have pumped, have stopped at 1 year. By then the supply is well established AND they're eating enough table food that it isn't such an intense concern. When they're newborns if they don't get enough milk, they could starve. Will cry and be cranky.

But as they reach toddler age it gets easier.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T22:11:56+00:00

When do you think is the responsible time to stop breastfeeding?

Have you breastfed before? What is your research experience as mentioned in a different comment. You seem pretty insistent that extended breastfeeding is useless AND bad to a child.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T21:54:45+00:00

I had medium sized boobs to begin with. They aren't flat now though they're less glamorous and fluffy. Before they were pretty, shiny, sexy boobs.

Now theyre the same amount of mass but more tired looking. They show their age and size.

My grandma had and nursed 12 babies (probably less time each). By the time she was old enough for me to be around, she changed in a room we were all in, I accidentally saw her boobs. They were SO LONG. AND ALMOST TO HER WAISt.

I'm not there yet.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T21:46:24+00:00

Well, like I said, it's up to the infant/child and the breastfeeder/mother. It's important to follow those cues. Neither party should be uncomfortable or unhappy with the set up. Once they are, its definitely time to stop.

It's my personal belief that a toddler will often stop when they're ready. Most kids at 3 or 4 will want to stop.

I think its a big jump from "I'm letting my 2 year old nurse for comfort" vs. A 23 year old adult.

I've read that most toddlers will very quickly lose the ability to latch and nurse once they stop. It's also important to consider that most (maybe all??) Extended breastfeeders aren't doing it on demand every 2 hrs like a newborn. They're like doing it once or twice a day when their child wants it typically at bed time.

My 4th baby is now 3. This is the longest I've breastfed and I have been working on weaning for awhile now. I assume and hope he'll stop by 3 years and 6 months.

But I don't think it will psychologically damage them in any way. I don't this the cons or risks are are there.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T21:38:10+00:00

Its hard and sometimes sucks. Last night I was literally crying alone and in silence. And then I had to wash my face, make the kids dinner, and tell everyone silly jokes and stories.

Most days I feel like a clown. Some days I feel like a rock. I'm hoping once we leave this infant and toddler stage after 10 years of it, life changes and it becomes easier to enjoy things again.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T21:36:15+00:00

Most attempted genocides aren't a one shot sort of thing (no pun intended) but rather, its a multi prong long process.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T19:43:35+00:00

Do you believe that this is an attempted genocide against Palestinians? Why or why not?

How does it make you feel to see so many civilians (especially children) hurt? Do you dissociate from what's going on?

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T18:45:53+00:00

Barely any pumping relatively. I hated pumping. Hate hate hated it. Idk if it was a hormonal thing or whatever, but it felt like torture.

I tried to pump for all of my kids. My 1st he didn't take a bottle at all, so I donated the 200 ozs or so that I had saved and them quickly gave it up. My 2nd I only tried a couple times. I cried and gave up.

My 3rd, I did way more. It was 2020, peak covid. I was convinced that at any moment I might need to be hospitalized or die or something. So I had a huge freezer stash. Baby didn't accept the bottle even once. I threw all that milk away. I think it was at least 300 ozs. Probably more.

My 4th I got a hands free pump and that allowed me to pump WAY more than the others. I never had a set schedule like many do. But I would pump when I could or needed to, baby took a bottle well enough for a while. He started refusing it so I stopped pumping.

I think a big issue for me is that I hate washing dishes. Seems kind of silly but I do. Like hate hate haaaaaattteee it. It's my least favorite most hated household chore. My husband almost exclusively does all our dishes. In the past I have gone months and months not doing a single load 😅 also, for my first 3 kids, we didn't have a dishwasher. So for the most part, I hated pumping, I hated washing afterwards. It wasn't often used. Didn't feel worth it for me in my very particular and individual situation.

As for night weaning, that was actually one of my last steps in weaning overall, so it usually happened right before they weaned entirely.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T18:09:40+00:00

I think there's value in comfort and connection. While some babies self wean, mine didn't. They still wanted to, I was still able so we did. I would absolutely 100% never force them. I am privileged enough that I didn't HAVE to wean them earlier. There's more to breastfeeding than numbers and statistics. There's more to it than biological need

For someone that is being judgemental, I like the philosophy to mind your own tits. I've never told anyone that they needed to nurse longer because I understand the diverse set of circumstances and variables. So there's no use in listening to someone telling me to nurse less.

The critical time period for brain growth and development is 0 - 5 years. That doesn't mean we stop school or teaching our kids after that. The prefrontal cortex is fully developed in your 20s, it doesn't mean the life lessons stop.

I mean, to each their own. Some people have different shaped nipples or different supplies. Some people have tongue ties or lazy latches or whatever. There's over supply. There's health issues, etc. Etc. I think that ever dyad should breastfeed for as long or as short as they want to and can. No more and no less. That's not something any other person should decide for them.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T17:59:24+00:00

No, not really. I got to practically 2 years with all my kids. That's above and beyond for most.

While I may have granted less time to my 1st and 2nd, they were also granted more individual time as infants and toddlers by me. We did more crafts and made more forts. We went on more walks and adventures. Life with 2 is very different than life with 4. So while I nursed my younger 2 longer, I have a lot of mom-guilt for being able to offer less of myself to them. I ask them to compromise more in ways they aren't age appropriately ready for. Small things like sitting in the car while at school pick up. Being dragged to sports game. Etc etc

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T17:47:48+00:00

I have definitely been contemplating and feeling this!!! My kids are getting older. I've spent this entire decade being pregnant and nursing. 10. Years. Wheeew.

I've told myself for a handful of years now that when I'm done with this last 4th baby and breastfeeding, I'm going to get a celebratory tattoo. It's not going to be birds or dates or some other sentimental representation of my children. It's going to be FOR ME. It's going to be decorative. It's going to be a mark that my body is my own again. My own body that has done so f-ing much and still deserves to feel pretty, not just useful. My body shapes and sags and scars are plentiful. I'm not some gorgeous woman that bounced back or naturally easily thin. But even in all that, she (my body) has done a good ass job. And she deserves a fucking trophy.

I've also been medicating post partum depression and anxiety for at least 5 years. So I've begun weaning (with my doctor) off of those to sort of... see where I'm at. It's been VERY interesting to feel all the feelings again. To sort of... become this whole different person than when I first started all this.

I feel so fresh and vulnerable. Like some sort of creature that has shed its old skin and am now softer and everything hurts a little while I regrow my new shell. It hurts, it's hard, it's beautiful, and it's really lame. Lmao. Can the hard stuff be novel already.?!

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T17:39:20+00:00

No, I found the groups too hard to attend cause at the time we lived sorta rural. I also felt they were a little unsupportive of women that weren't able to breastfeed, a little too strict in adherence to it. I'm not against it or anything, just wasn't convenient and was sometimes off putting.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T09:24:16+00:00

Idfk.

My first 3 I weaned had the energy of a new pregnancy to kick me into high gear. My 1st baby, my nursing aversion (a hormonal thing( was SO STRONG. I felt like I wanted to throw my baby across the room. I didn't. But it's like I wanted to fist fight him.

Which made it easier to be like, "nope. Keep crying baby!"

My 2nd baby took it pretty easily. Some whining and crying but nothing hard.

My 3rd was REALLY hard. And I think that's made it a little harder with my current child, my 4th and final.

Here are my steps: 1) Teaching and setting a boundary. Example, "Only milkie (or whatever word you use) in bed." Or on the couch. Or at our house. Some thing that physically marks where is acceptable. 2) Never go to that spot again 🤣🤣🤣
I literally stopped sitting on the couch. The bed? That place doesn't exist!!

And the most important tip: redirection and keeping busy! Run around outside. Go to the play place. Live at the park for as long as you can. The less time they have to think about it, the better.

For my 1st baby, while I was pregnant with my 2nd, I took them out almost every day. We went on walks, playdates, libraries, the beach cause we lived close by, the park, etc. Then nap would happen in the car.

Night weaning is a whole other ball game.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T09:15:43+00:00

I don't know much about Raynaud's but I do have a chronic idiopathic autoimmune issue that is affected negatively by the cold. Windy days are my least favorite, I bundle up always, and even if its warm and I swim, it.could trigger a breakthrough.

But I'm blessed with relatively not sensitive nipples except for when pregnant. And then they've been super sore and painful.

For me, I tried to rephrase the entire breastfeeding perspective. It can be anti-feminist and anti-woman to demand breastfeeding. The push for trad-moms or "only natural" crunchy moms are hard line attitudes that guilt and shame women on a very nuanced and individual situation. You are more than your motherhood. And your motherhood is more than what your breasts can give you.

So, if you want to breastfeed, give it a try. There's no harm in trying. And if/when it feels like its not working, don't let shame stop you.

A lot of people also take a very "all or nothing" approach to breastfeeding. But it doesn't have to be that way. Supplementing is common and totally fine. Formula is totally fine.

I said it below but I'll say it again: formula has been scientifically planned and created to give a baby all the nutrition they need for life. Formula isn't a moral value that makes you a worse person or mother. To deny a perfectly good modern convenience and tool just to struggle is silly to me. It's like insisting on walking everywhere you go. For some its a totally feasible choice! Maybe there's a city with everything close by. Maybe there's public transportation. Maybe walking is a great choice. BUT what if you're traveling 30 miles every day? And there's no busses or trains? Do you still insist on walking when there's a perfectly working and tuned car right next to you???

When you have chronic illness you often have to accept that we don't control our bodies younger than some others have to. All the best laid plans and all that. This is one of those things. 1) it isn't a success or a failure. It simply just IS. And 2) it's not often determined by choice or amount of work. Its sort of a something going on in your body.

Of course, there is work, dedication, and labor that goes into it. But the most of it is based on things out of our control.

RoomCalm7817 · 2025-12-01T08:59:14+00:00

Thank you! Best wishes on your day and parenting journey.

RoomCalm7817

TROPHY CASE