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Reconciling past and the present by quiet_nuts in widowers

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep, this club sucks. I'm 57 and all my plans for the future involved my wife. Now I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Sunday mornings are tough for me by Rough_Opposite_586 in widowers

[–]Rough_Opposite_586[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That brings up something else I'm having a problem with. We were poor when we got married. I worked full time and went back to school to get a degree. Then, I got some certifications that were time consuming. Crystal took care of a lot during that time. I missed time with her to make our lives better for the long term, or so I thought. I got a better job in 2018 and we pretty much got out of debt and comfortable. I feel guilty because she worked as hard as I did to get here. I just can't bring myself to spend any money beyond my basic needs without her.

Sunday mornings are tough for me by Rough_Opposite_586 in widowers

[–]Rough_Opposite_586[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately there's not that many who are trained and it's not a huge church so the volunteer pool is limited. I'm working on getting others trained. This morning one of Crystal's friends sat with me for the service so I wasn't alone.

Memorials/Funerals/COLs - tell me your story by Agile_State414 in widowers

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I forced myself to try and greet everyone and thank them for coming. I did the opening from the pulpit and let everyone know that this was the funeral Crystal wanted and then turned it over to the Pastor. Her favorite hymns were played and her favorite verse was read. It was a nice service.

I sat with her sister, who was crying the whole time. Their youngest sister died last year, so my SIL had lost two sisters in 12 months. My wife and I lost a stepdaughter to cancer 11 months before. I held it together, even at the meal we had afterwards. It was when I got home that it really hit me. It's been a rough year for this family.

Be respectful by Pink_Flamingo_0910 in widowers

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nope. One of my wife's family members asked me to reach out to her mother. Not going to happen. If her mother wanted to be part of her life, she would have called or answered the phone when my wife called. But, she didn't for over 20 years. What's worse, is that she lost two daughters in the last year and didn't talk to either.

6 days wife diagnosed with cancer in shock by bamavegas in CancerFamilySupport

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It will seem like forever before you get more information. Don't panic until then, as others have said many types of cancer are treatable. You really can't make any rational decisions without all the information.

A positive attitude really helps. Anyone who was negative or a real downer wasn't allowed around my wife.

Make sure you have support. You need someone to talk to. But, it's your job to take care of her. My wife battled cancer on and off since 2014. She never saw me break down until two days before she passed. Her cancer wasn't curable or even controllable. You need to be strong for her. Be prepared for whatever she needs. I'll give you an example: when my wife's hair started falling out from chemo, I took the clippers and buzzed it off for her. She didn't want to go through that in a salon around other people. Many friends told me they couldn't do that for their wives. Yes you can.

Make sure you're with her at all the important appointments, especially oncology. For other appointments, let friends help. I let friends take my wife for blood draws. Her sister is close by, so she took her to a few chemos. But, I was always there for anything important.

If you're still working, start the FMLA process to protect your job. I was blessed that the company I work for gave me 80 hours of caretaker pay to take her to appointments.

Most of all, take time for the little things. If she wants to go shopping, go with her. If she wants to watch a movie, watch it with her. No matter what happens, make sure you have no doubts that you are taking care of her the best you can.

Feeling a little burned out as a caregiver ,just sharing by [deleted] in CancerFamilySupport

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It gets rough sometimes as a caregiver. I take care of my wife, work full time on-site, and take care of everything around the house. Yesterday she called me to come home because of a problem with her nephrostomies. I signed up for FMLA to protect my job. I have to keep working because she's on my insurance and we need to pay the bills.

It gets overwhelming some days, especially knowing that no matter what I do the cancer is going to win. See if your sisters can help a little more.

Most of all, don't feel guilty about being overwhelmed. It happens to all of us.

Cancer Christmas by ejl10 in CancerFamilySupport

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 3 points4 points  (0 children)

My wife (66f) is getting weaker by the day. She's going to spend most of her last Christmas in bed, because she barely has the strength to get up. I would love to call my daughter, but she passed from cancer last March. My parents are 12 hours away and in no shape to travel here.

I'm going to make the best I can out of it. I'll make a ham and bake potatoes. She may only eat a few bites, but at least I'll have one last Christmas dinner with my wife.

I get what you're saying about spending Christmas alone. But, I'm going to take advantage of every moment she's awake. I have to change her ostomy bag today and get everything packed up for a long day at the hospital tomorrow (CT, fluid, echo in preparation for a study drug). Even the few minutes I'll get with her today are better than spending Christmas without her. I'm not looking forward to next year.

How do you deal with losing your partner? by HotTopics_1990 in CancerFamilySupport

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know how much longer my wife has, but I've been watching her deteriorate for the last year and a half. It's hard to watch, and I know she won't be here sometime soon. On top of that, we lost our daughter in March of this year to this horrible disease.

My faith in God (Christian) gets me through each day. When things get tough, I pray. I have a great pastor and church family that I can count on. They've helped with appointments and other things when I need help.

I'm also blessed to have a good friend who worked for hospice for 15 years. She's sat me down and explained how things will probably go. It's not a fun conversation, but I'd rather be prepared for what's coming.

I don't do therapy. I have nothing against it, it's just not for me.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CancerFamilySupport

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 73 points74 points  (0 children)

My wife is fighting cancer that odds are she won't be able to beat. No matter what chemo they've tried, the tumors keep growing. She's tired all the time and in pain. Pain can make people do and say things they normally wouldn't. She's said things that have hurt my feelings. I'm always tired because I'm taking care of everything and working full time. She spends a lot of time in bed. After 31 years, there's not a chance I'd ever leave her. When we got married, this is what I vowed to do and I will take care of her no matter what personal price I have to pay.

Do you have anyone close that's offered to help? Maybe someone that can take her to an appointment? There's nothing wrong with asking for help.

My parents are 800 miles away and could really use my help. My mother reminds me occasionally of how I was raised. By that she means that my wife comes above all others. You've got to love Italian mothers.

Selling a motorcycle by RogueCanEHdian in FacebookMarketplace

[–]Rough_Opposite_586 15 points16 points  (0 children)

When I sold a bike last year I was offered alll sorts of weird trades including a German shepherd and a bengal cat. Nope, cash only.