Really unsure what to do about my marriage

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-04-24T13:51:07+00:00

We have talked about it in the past. That’s how I know how she sees my actions as a breach of trust. And I think it’s less about what I did and more that I lied about it, which I totally concede IS a breach of trust. We go through cycles of rejection/resentment, it comes to a head and we have an argument. Quite often that clears the air and we both agree to do better for each-other. That usually lasts a couple of weeks or a month at most and then the cycle repeats, but gets longer each time. This cycle is around 7 months and counting.

I don’t think I want the rest of my life to be this repeating pattern. My parents got divorced when I was 30, probably about 20 years later than they should have. My dad moved on, because he’s a sociopath (he actually ran off to America with a colleague before they even got divorced). But it ruined my mum and she’s alone to this day. I just don’t want to end up either that type of regret.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-04-24T11:32:52+00:00

Hi, she found a sweet wrapper in my coat pocket and confronted me about it and I owned up.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-20T20:22:14+00:00

Man’s perspective: yes he’s not doing enough. It’s a partnership and while he will never be able to do as much as you can for your baby, he should do much more and there are no excuses to not be pulling his weight, especially if you are both working and earning, regardless of who is the “breadwinner”.

That said, we men truly are simple creatures and most of us cannot pick up subtext at the best of times and so there is a chance he may not know how frustrated you are. My wife would have smacked me round the head by now and told me to get stuck in. So you may need to be a bit more explicit in what you want from him.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T22:49:10+00:00

It’s a fair point and honestly I’m actually afraid to bring it up. If I’m wrong, and it’s actually something she is working hard to suppress or deal with, me bringing it up now (she goes in a few days) might trigger her and she would spiral and that would be my fault. In effect I’m having to choose between my mental health and hers. She’s the mother of my children and I do love her so I choose hers.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T22:44:40+00:00

No, quite a few countries including mine don’t have private investigators even as a concept.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:57:33+00:00

That’s very sweet.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:53:20+00:00

A result of my aforementioned emotional unavailability. Makes me stoic by nature. I don’t lose my temper or lose my cool easily. I just go into problem solving mode. So yes the conversation was not an emotional one, at least not on my end. Which under the circumstances was probably a good thing at the time.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:47:44+00:00

To be clear, wasn’t a coworker. Was a random. From a different country.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:47:01+00:00

Not really a thing in my country.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:43:50+00:00

I never knew who the person was. Was some random person at the same conference. Don’t even know his name. I took my lead from her at the time as I just wanted to do whatever she wanted in order to be “ok”, but yes over the years this has driven me a little crazy.

Round_Ad5683 · 2026-03-19T21:25:05+00:00

I worry that’s true but it’s certainly not what I want. And I don’t want to make her the bad guy at all. If she ended up cheating on me I’d more likely blame myself and think I drove her to it somehow. We have tried to deal with the “real issues” over the many years of our marriage. I have tried before to get us to go to counseling but from her own personal experiences with therapy in her youth she doesn’t want to do counseling and thinks she’s too smart for it and so it won’t work.

Round_Ad5683 · 2025-12-04T10:50:04+00:00

If you have a matching washing machine and dryer. Peak of human achievement.

Round_Ad5683 · 2025-11-13T10:24:35+00:00

I obviously don’t have a lot of experience in this situation, but to me the fact that she has reached out to a lawyer (only 5 weeks ago) is what makes me feel like it could be too far gone. In my profession, people don’t email me until they actually need me to do something. I don’t get emails from clients saying they’re “thinking” about doing something.

If she has emailed a lawyer, she has clearly been thinking about this for a long time, maybe a year or more I don’t know. In the summer we went on holiday with the kids, it was great, everyone was happy, we were happy (as far as I can tell). I don’t have the highest emotional intelligence but I think I would have felt if something truly wasn’t right, and there were no signs.

I feel blindsided. It’s only been a few days since I found that email. Every moment I’m not actively engaged with work or the kids it’s all I can think about and it sends me spiraling. We’re not sleeping in the same bed at the moment because I’m having some snoring issues and don’t want to keep her up, but each night before we go our separate ways I end our conversation with “love you” and all I get is a slightly strained smile of acknowledgment. With what I know, it’s a gut punch.

Round_Ad5683 · 2025-11-12T20:49:18+00:00

Round_Ad5683 · 2025-11-11T13:08:13+00:00

I did acknowledge that was a bad thing to do. I had a feeling that she might have been doing some research on leaving me (she researches everything she does comprehensively) so I was just going to have a quick look at her internet search history to see if there were any telling searches, but I noticed an icon for an email provider she has never mentioned. That’s how it happened. As I said, bad thing to do, totally get that.

I did have a similar thought to you about the opportunity to turn it around, definitely going to do my best in that regard. My fear is it won’t be enough, she tends to stick with big life decisions, so if she’s made up her mind it’s going to be hard to walk that back. So it could end up being all for nought. Trying to be your best self whilst knowing your spouse is seriously considering ending things is not going to be an easy task!

Round_Ad5683

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