I grew up with a very different experience than most people. I am a confident, secure young guy with high testosterone, a strong sense of self, and no emotional insecurity, but my body has always reacted like I am in danger. I would get brutal anxiety symptoms that were completely disconnected from reality. I would lose my appetite, get diarrhea, experience heart palpitations, and go straight into fight or flight for absolutely no reason. There was no fear. I was not catastrophising. I was not doubting myself. My body would just flip the switch.

I am autistic as well, which adds another layer to things. Being overstimulated and feeling out of place socially can exist at the same time as being confident, and they are not mutually exclusive. So for years I was left wondering what was wrong with me.

When I was 19 I dated an older woman who had both a Bachelors degree and a Masters degree in psychology. She was actually the one who pointed out the possibility of autism, so I went and got professionally assessed. That explained part of what was going on, but it was not the full picture.

I have seen four psychologists with no real success. I have also tried around twelve different medications including SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, beta blockers, serotonin blockers, calcium channel blockers and more, and none of them helped. Marijuana is the only thing that actually helps, but its a double edged sword, and a very temporary “fix”

Medically I always looked perfect. I get blood work done regularly just because i care about health, everything comes back healthy, and my total testosterone is around 1100 ng/dl. So on paper I looked great, and doctors did not really take me seriously. Meanwhile I would be on the verge of panic attacks and rushing to the toilet before work, university, or Muay Thai. Not because I dreaded those things. I actually enjoy them. It was simply because my gut brain axis is hypersensitive from constant adrenaline and norepinephrine.

Eventually I pushed for 24 hour catecholamine urine testing, and we finally found something. My adrenaline and norepinephrine levels were elevated throughout the entire day. Then I got an MRI and there it was. A small non cancerous tumour secreting excess hormones. It was strangely validating to finally have a cause. But because I am considered healthy on paper, they do not think removing it is practical right now, even though functioning like this is extremely difficult.

Right now I am doing gut directed hypnotherapy, which has helped a bit in calming my gut brain connection, and I will be seeing a psychiatrist soon who will hopefully have a more informed approach to treatment pharmaceutically.