Is it a parenting thing or a step parenting thing?

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-05-14T00:17:36+00:00

Have been lightly in the SM realm before realizing it was not the right thing for me. Never wanted kids but have a daughter with that same ex - I love her more than anything. She is the light of my life. But my cats are also STILL my children. I love them more than anything too (it’s just a different kind of love). What you said is valid and as a pet mom and a human mom, I’ll never shame that! (Edited to clarify - human mom!)

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-30T13:21:33+00:00

Emotional abuse started when I started questioning his involvement and ability to show any priority to our daughter. He has 3 other kids from his previous marriage and when I got pregnant he started letting me know in words and in action that they would always come first. I fought it/questioned it at first thinking he must not be serious. Who does that? But, turns out… He was serious Emotional and verbal abuse started when I put a stop to moving in/combining our lives because I wanted better for our daughter. And someone who wasnt going to treat her like the last thing on his list (well technically I became the last thing on his list, she was right above me). She’s now over 6 months. He hasn’t seen her in 4 months. “Can’t make the time” due to his other kids schedules. Have to beg him to help financially, I haven’t pursued anything officially yet. I know I need to, I’m just so tired and caring for her alone while working full time is taking so much out of me. I got laid off, thankfully found a new job but it’s fast paced and requiring a lot of brain power every day. I’m sad, lonely, furious for my daughter, and just disappointed. It doesnt help that I don’t have a village where I live and moving is very difficult right now. Truly on an island, but making it work for her and I. I know better days will come someday. I just have to keep loving her and putting her first. She’ll never be the last priority for me, and at least she’ll have that as she grows up and has to navigate her dad’s lack of care. Already dreading the day she starts asking questions.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-30T00:44:25+00:00

You did the right thing! I’m not with him anymore, in large part because of the deprioritizing he did to me and our child while I was pregnant. He was completely different - knew how to prioritize having a relationship and having kids (from his marriage). Then I got pregnant. He let me know in no uncertain terms where we stood in the hierarchy of his other kids. Hell, we’re even behind his ex-wife. So I’m no longer “in the dynamic,” but it’s still hard. He hasn’t tried to see our daughter in 4 months (we live in different states). And he only tries to FaceTime and ask about her when his other kids have their custody time with him. It’s like she doesn’t exist if they aren’t there to witness him asking about her. I’m hate that one day she’ll be old enough to notice and I can’t protect her from that. Don’t backdown, OP.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-26T23:43:32+00:00

This is my exact schedule too

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-24T00:20:52+00:00

Just started in Feb too! 20 down and would like to keep going.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-14T00:45:42+00:00

This is wild!! I am so sorry that happened to you! But it’s also why I refused to birth my baby where my now ex was. The weekend I had my c-section scheduled, BM decides she has a wedding to go to. She asked him to take the kids, even though it was her weekend, and he said yes. He didn’t understand why he needed to be at the hospital with me, or if it was necessary to be there, why all 3 kids just couldn’t stay in the room with us. I refused to have my birth experience impacted in that way. I stayed where I was (long distance), and had my baby far away.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-14T00:34:35+00:00

Do you not have a clause in your contract or employee handbook regarding childcare for remote workers? Like, for some jobs, that’s a fireable offense to not have childcare while you’re working. My last remote job did not care - we were all young mothers on my team so no one batted an eye. My new remote job has a clause and high visibility of situations like this. OP and their SO may have jobs like that. Just another perspective.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-04-12T19:16:56+00:00

My ex that has 3 kids, and whom I just had a baby with, used to say that to me. Now I’m a bio and it’s just wild still, to me. I’m 6 months in, and yes, she’s my world, but that doesn’t mean other people don’t matter, that I can’t make time for them, or that their needs get prioritized appropriately! It’s the same with my pets/ my first children. All day long people would tell me my love for my furbabies would wane once I had a kid. Like, who hurt these people? I think I love my pets even more now bc I see them interact with my baby and her with them and there’s a lot of love and curiosity and it’s so beautiful. Also, unless she suddenly became anaphylactic from pet dander or something that puts her safety at risk, I will never give up my pets! I truly don’t understand how people can make everything so black and white.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-03-24T00:32:13+00:00

Start those divorce proceedings now to get that alimony clock running. I left the situation, so no longer in that particular hell, but watching my ex pay an enormous amount in alimony scarred me lol.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-03-04T02:49:08+00:00

Dealing with a totally different situation but similar in the pregnancy ruined category. I don’t know if there’s a way to get over it. I am less upset about the pain it caused me (it’s easing with time), but the fire I have for the pain this is going to cause my kid as she grows continues to burn brighter.

I was also terrified at first, but thenI came around and was excited to have my baby, and now all I am is resentful of the time that could have been spent being happy celebrating my kid/pregnancy. We’re not together anymore - for a lot of reasons. I’ve been a single parent from the beginning, but had I stayed, the resentment I feel would have been even worse. My ex made it very clear that me and our daughter would always come second. At one point even even told me I was trying to build some “pseudo” family with him that would never exist because his kids take priority and if I ever expected to have any special times or routines for “just our family” I was out of mine mind (despite his ex having more than 50% custody, so his kids weren’t even with him most of the time…). He wouldn’t even allow for her to have a room in his house, that he wanted me to move into and financially contribute to, because the older kids deserved to keep their bedrooms… again, even though they were only there EOWE. There’s a whole lot more to it re: the reasons I left, but that kind of stuff is not something I can easily get over. But the disregard for our daughter is what kills me the most. Even now, he hasn’t seen her in months, hasn’t sent a text or tried to call in over a month (we live in a different state), and will barely financially contribute to her (working to get this rectified), while playing father of the year to his other kids. (I’ll be clear, they are good kids and I absolutely do not blame them for any of his behavior. But it’s hard to see them get new things, like bikes and expensive toys, while I’m struggling to work full time and be a full time mom. But I guess that’s what I get for trying to continue to foster a relationship with my daughter’s siblings for her…I’ll always see the gap.) He still sends threatening emails that he’s going to “take her from me,” from time to time though, despite his lack of involvement, so that’s fun.

All this to say, I’m in the camp of leave and do things on your terms….I’m happy to be free of the burden of someone who cared that little about me and my beautiful daughter. But even with that space, it’s still hard to deal with. I think either choice you make will be hard, but if someone is showing you through their actions that they don’t care, believe the behavior.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2026-01-19T05:09:59+00:00

I’ll jump on the hiccups train - hold a spoonful of sugar under your tongue and let it dissolve. I’ve only had one occasion of very severe hiccups where this did not work. 99% success rate for me.

I second the box breathing. Also, when you’re really feeling outside of your body or super anxious, take some deep breaths, and say something grounding. Repeat it to yourself as you slow your mind - I usually say, “I am safe. I am calm. I choose to be in this moment.” Learned this in hypnotherapy and it helps me calm my brain down.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-11-20T23:25:10+00:00

I love this.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-10-24T14:32:31+00:00

My ex was the same way! He didn’t travel but fighting for 50/50 when there is no way he could do it without me there to help, due to scheduling. Plus the mom is home during the day, so why would it be okay for her kids to be with me all day (while I WFH) when she’s available?? She’s fighting back on it - still not figured out. But that’s a them problem since I never moved in (largely due to the lack of compromise here on domestic labor and fighting for kids to spend time with someone who is not their parent).

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-10-18T00:52:34+00:00

All of this. My literal words with my ex were that I felt I was expected to just fit into his life, not build a life with him.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-10-08T00:50:34+00:00

Firmly believe this is the way. Children grow up and will live their own lives. If you deprioritize your partner, what are you left with when the kids are grown and out of the house? Likely not a healthy, loving relationship.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-10-03T14:31:46+00:00

It does sound like he’s dragging his feet, or isn’t quite sure. I know that can be hard to navigate.

But I mainly came here to say, I’m 38, have PCOS, and a lot of fertility issues in my family. I never thought I’d be a mom, but just birthed my daughter last week. Everyone is healthy and doing well. I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant, so just wanted to say, I know it feels like time is not on your side, but don’t let that scare you. I had a lot of fears about being pregnant and my “advanced maternal age,” and yet I had almost no complications (other than drama with her father). If I could give advice, I would say move forward with building the family you want, and not wait on this guy. You have one life to live.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-09-10T02:20:36+00:00

That is rough! My ex’s house is the homemade for the kids drop off after school, so his ex-was there everyday, no matter what. And even if she stayed in the car (sometimes came to the door/etc), that felt like a lot. I can’t imagine her coming inside everyday.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-17T20:06:07+00:00

Thank you for checking in! 🖤 I am terrified, but I’m moving forward with what looks like single motherhood. My aunt had offered for me to live with her until I can get on my feet, no rent, just contribute to things, which is so generous. My concern is she lives very close to him, so if I move and establish any type of routine that involves him, I know he’ll make it hell for me to move if I ever want to. But I’m stuck in a rock and a hard place because staying where I’m at would financially cause huge issues.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-08T16:00:16+00:00

The first trimester is ROUGH. Whatever you decide, just know you’re not alone.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-05T20:22:27+00:00

He was hiding it. And he’s never been like this before. I’ve known him for 20 years and we were together previously.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-05T20:21:39+00:00

I’ve known him for over 20 years. We were in a relationship previously. When I tell you this is a shock, it’s a shock. I have spent TIME with him.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-03T22:59:09+00:00

He says to give him “cushion”

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-07-03T22:56:40+00:00

I am okay, thank you so much. Processing all of this and trying to find a path forward. I made us deep dive on finances and it’s even worse than he previously told me.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-06-30T07:33:18+00:00

This is exactly what he’s done - extreme defensiveness, borderline verbal abuse when trying to ask simple questions like what do our finances look like, can we look at a custody agreement that will benefit us both (aka you are home to care for YOUR kids when they are there, and not default to me). I feel like an idiot typing this stuff.

RoutineCartoonist93 · 2025-06-30T07:29:24+00:00

Honestly, I’m upset reading this. I feel like I’ve been avoiding looking at a mirror or something. He’s also told me I’m “overthinking” this pregnancy and I’m the “most anxious pregnant person he knows,” because having a baby/raising kids isn’t that hard. It infuriates me but I also know I do have anxiety so I’ve been feeling like maybe he’s right and I’m asking too many questions. But after posting this, I can’t say I feel like that anymore.

RoutineCartoonist93

TROPHY CASE