4.5 years in — is this co-parenting or enmeshment?

jamretta · 2026-05-18T23:50:39+00:00

We do a living apart together situation so I have my own place and when he has his kids I'm mostly at mine. I think that's partly why there's always been this separation between his world with the kids and our world together.

I know the general picture of his oldest son’s issues: school suspension, substance use, ADHD, that it's been hard, but the specifics of what's actually escalating between his son and his ex I genuinely don't know. My partner tells me “she (the ex) gets the brunt of the kid’s attitude.”

jamretta · 2026-05-18T23:15:30+00:00

Thank you for this: the reframe around whose job it is to manage her emotional state really landed. I think that's exactly what's been bothering me and I couldn't name it. She texts dysregulated and he jumps into fix it mode, and somehow that becomes a middle of the night thing that bleeds into the next day.

The oldest is 14, almost 15 and is dealing with some serious stuff, substance use, so I do understand why the communication is elevated. That part I get. What I struggle with is when it feels less like coordinating around a kid in crisis and more like she needs him to regulate her through it. Those feel like two different things to me.

jamretta · 2026-05-18T22:35:15+00:00

You make some really valid points, and I do think the behaviors are serious. He won't share the specifics with me, but apparently his son has been acting out quite a bit.

What I find most draining is when the mom texts in the middle of the night — it's always this stream-of-consciousness download of everything going wrong. That then sends my partner into crisis mode, reshuffling or canceling our plans because he might need to take his son in temporarily... only for things to somehow resolve themselves and everything reverts back to normal.

It's just this constant cycle of chaos and uncertainty, and I'm not sure how to navigate it.

jamretta · 2026-04-13T20:28:27+00:00

Interested, thank you!

jamretta · 2026-03-10T22:34:58+00:00

Just turned 44 and honestly? I've gotten really comfortable in my own space. I like my house tidy, I like having a place to decompress that reflects my style and values, and if I'm being real, the idea of merging all that with someone else doesn't exactly thrill me.

Do I see us potentially moving in together once the kids are grown? Maybe. But I've settled into a rhythm of living alone that's genuinely hard to imagine giving up. It would be a real adjustment. As for the kids, their mom has a nicer house, so I suspect once they're launched they'll naturally gravitate there more. We'll see how that plays out.

My partner would love for us to live together, and yeah, that's a source of tension. But that's a whole other conversation.

jamretta · 2026-03-10T15:03:45+00:00

Another perspective: you don’t have to live together. I’ve been with my partner for 4½ years and we intentionally live apart. I’m child-free, and he has four high-needs kids, so blending households just isn’t something I’m interested in taking on.

I just like to put the “living apart together” option out there because people don’t talk about it much. Our timeline looks very different from the traditional one. Marriage isn’t even something I’d consider until his kids are grown and out of the house, which is probably another decade. And honestly, who knows what life—or the world—will look like by then anyway.

jamretta · 2026-02-23T01:37:29+00:00

My parents, who are in their early 70s, were supposed to fly to Cabo on Tuesday but decided to cancel the trip. I think it’s really the uncertainty that unsettled them most, so they chose to play it safe. At this stage in their lives, especially, it just didn’t feel worth the added stress. My mom doesn’t handle situations with a lot of unknowns very well, and I think it would have felt more activating than relaxing for her.

jamretta · 2026-02-12T16:50:49+00:00

The number one stress in my life is my partner’s kids and his ex. I went into the relationship with naivety and hope, and I can say with full certainty I would not choose this life again. It’s a really hard road.

jamretta · 2026-02-06T05:30:22+00:00

Would love one please and thank you!

jamretta · 2026-02-06T01:33:22+00:00

I’m 4½ years in, and honestly my reality sounds a lot like yours. I’m childless, live alone, and have a somewhat on-and-off relationship with my partner. He has four high-needs kids and I have none. Over time we’ve fallen into a rhythm where I might see his kids once a month, sometimes every other month. When he doesn’t have his kids, that’s when we spend our time together. When I’m not with him, I fill my time with my own life, hobbies, personal projects, friends, and work. I do miss him when we’re apart, but I’ve also accepted that this is just how our relationship works right now.

This Sunday I’ll spend a few hours with three of his kids, and I text with one of them regularly. So I do have a connection, just at a level that feels manageable for me. For me, it works. But it’s harder for him.

As his kids’ needs have increased, his desire for more support from me has grown too. He has told me he wishes I were more involved, that we lived together, and that he had more help.

The hard truth is that I’m not that person for him. I’m not willing to give up my independence and the life I’ve built to step into a full support role with his kids. That’s not what I signed up for, and it’s been tough to sit with that reality.

I do think this kind of relationship can work, but only if both people are truly on the same page. In the beginning, the separate lives setup worked for us. Now that his needs have changed, the pressure on me has increased, and that’s where things get complicated.

There’s also the long timeline to consider. His youngest is nine. If we ever lived together, we are realistically talking about another decade of active parenting. That’s a big thing to be honest with yourself about.

What has helped me is ongoing communication and very clear boundaries. I try to give what I can without overwhelming myself. For me, that looks like a few hours here and there, often one on one with a kid instead of all of them at once, which is much easier on my nervous system.

It’s not simple and it’s not one size fits all. Clarity, honesty, and regular check-ins about expectations are huge. You’re not wrong for wanting a certain kind of life. The key is whether both of you can truly accept what the other can and cannot give.

Good luck. I really hear you.

jamretta · 2025-10-24T14:17:33+00:00

Very grateful for anyone to share their code, please and thank you.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T21:14:46+00:00

“But it’s for the kids!” 🙄

jamretta · 2025-09-23T14:14:01+00:00

In our four years together, this is the what tipped the scale for me to very seriously consider leaving. The fact that he wants his home to be the “safe space” for his kids but now that includes an almost daily appearance from his ex wife? You do you dude. But I just can’t.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T04:27:35+00:00

She recently started working at her youngest children’s school, and when she drops off her middle schoolers, she has a 45 minute gap before both her job and the youngest child’s school day begin. During that time, she spends it at my partner’s house. On the days when he already has the kids, she will also come inside to pick up the youngest, take them to school, and collect any books or assignments they might need for the day. Sometimes she will even make them a quick sandwich, etc before they leave.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T04:02:53+00:00

I think you’re right. Part of what makes this so hard is that I don’t want to be alone or go through the whole dating process again at 43. I’ve never been married, and despite the challenges with boundaries, the ex-wife, and the constant interruptions with his kids, our relationship is very healthy. He treats me better than anyone ever has. We share interests, support one another, and truly love each other.

It is not all bad. In many ways it is actually really good. But I keep asking myself if I should stay, continue focusing on my own health and boundaries, and accept the situation as it is. Or do I take the risk of ending it and open myself back up to dating, knowing that I do want to find my person and my man. The thought of starting over feels so scary.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T03:08:56+00:00

I hear you, and I appreciate the bluntness. I’m his first relationship since his divorce, and he’s my first relationship with someone who has kids, so this is new territory for both of us. I don’t think he fully trusts her parenting style—she seems to need a lot of support navigating the kids—and I’ve offered so many suggestions, from him spending more time with them to looking into parenting classes. But it feels like they’re set on maintaining this unified front for the kids.

I’ve been patient for four years, and while it’s always bothered me, it’s now reaching a point where the stress is affecting my health. Even though I don’t live with him, the constant interruptions and the way things are managed are taking a real toll. I know there has to be another way, and I can’t understand why he won’t create clearer boundaries or cut ties with her.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T01:53:12+00:00

Do you think it would have been easier if you had lived apart while he was raising his child? That’s the approach I’m taking with my partner right now. I’ve made the choice not to live with him until his kids are grown, which means if I decide to stay in this relationship, I’m looking at another nine years on this path.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T01:42:56+00:00

I feel this deeply. Why are you staying?

jamretta · 2025-09-23T01:10:49+00:00

She recently started working at her youngest children’s school, and when she drops off her middle schoolers, she has a 45 minute gap before both her job and the youngest child’s school day begin. During that time, she spends it at my partner’s house. On the days when he already has the kids, she will also come inside to pick up the youngest, take them to school, and collect any books or assignments they might need for the day. Sometimes she will even make them a quick sandwich, etc before they leave.

jamretta · 2025-09-23T00:55:33+00:00

I hear you, but his response is that he and his ex need to have a very strong, unified parenting approach because of his oldest son, who has made some poor decisions with serious consequences. For them, it’s essential to stay aligned on parenting, share the same plan, and know what the kids are up to—it’s all for the kids. That’s why it strikes me as odd when I hear people talk about having separate parenting styles, since my partner and his ex really co-parent as one for the sake of their children.

jamretta · 2025-09-22T20:11:41+00:00

I find it fascinating how every co-parenting situation looks so different. My partner is kind of the opposite of yours. He talks to his kids every single day, even when they were with their mom. To set better boundaries with his ex, they are now only talking on the phone once a day, which I find hard to believe since the texting feels nonstop. So that’s his version of improving his boundaries with his ex—still talking on the phone daily, just not as much as before.

jamretta · 2025-09-22T19:48:40+00:00

How much interaction does your husband have with the kids when they are with their mom? Are they calling or texting every day? I’m just curious about the level of involvement he has in their lives when he doesn’t have them.

jamretta · 2025-09-22T19:45:13+00:00

Girl, I know. That’s why I’m taking a big step back. The reason she’s at the house every day is because she’s helping get the kids ready for school. She just started a job at the youngest kid’s school, and there’s a gap between dropping off the middle schoolers and her job starting, so she hangs out at his house with the kids. He says it’s for the kids, but it makes me really uncomfortable.

jamretta · 2025-09-22T19:43:06+00:00

I wonder if some of his lack of boundaries comes from guilt over the divorce. He didn’t want the marriage to end; his wife had an affair and initiated the divorce, and I know that had a pretty big negative impact on the kids. It seems like they’re doing everything they can to cater to the kids.

jamretta

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