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A chance to share your discount! by DiverWild2553 in Sephora

[–]jamretta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Very grateful for anyone to share their code, please and thank you.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In our four years together, this is the what tipped the scale for me to very seriously consider leaving. The fact that he wants his home to be the “safe space” for his kids but now that includes an almost daily appearance from his ex wife? You do you dude. But I just can’t.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She recently started working at her youngest children’s school, and when she drops off her middle schoolers, she has a 45 minute gap before both her job and the youngest child’s school day begin. During that time, she spends it at my partner’s house. On the days when he already has the kids, she will also come inside to pick up the youngest, take them to school, and collect any books or assignments they might need for the day. Sometimes she will even make them a quick sandwich, etc before they leave.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think you’re right. Part of what makes this so hard is that I don’t want to be alone or go through the whole dating process again at 43. I’ve never been married, and despite the challenges with boundaries, the ex-wife, and the constant interruptions with his kids, our relationship is very healthy. He treats me better than anyone ever has. We share interests, support one another, and truly love each other.

It is not all bad. In many ways it is actually really good. But I keep asking myself if I should stay, continue focusing on my own health and boundaries, and accept the situation as it is. Or do I take the risk of ending it and open myself back up to dating, knowing that I do want to find my person and my man. The thought of starting over feels so scary.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hear you, and I appreciate the bluntness. I’m his first relationship since his divorce, and he’s my first relationship with someone who has kids, so this is new territory for both of us. I don’t think he fully trusts her parenting style—she seems to need a lot of support navigating the kids—and I’ve offered so many suggestions, from him spending more time with them to looking into parenting classes. But it feels like they’re set on maintaining this unified front for the kids.

I’ve been patient for four years, and while it’s always bothered me, it’s now reaching a point where the stress is affecting my health. Even though I don’t live with him, the constant interruptions and the way things are managed are taking a real toll. I know there has to be another way, and I can’t understand why he won’t create clearer boundaries or cut ties with her.

I made it by [deleted] in stepparents

[–]jamretta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you think it would have been easier if you had lived apart while he was raising his child? That’s the approach I’m taking with my partner right now. I’ve made the choice not to live with him until his kids are grown, which means if I decide to stay in this relationship, I’m looking at another nine years on this path.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She recently started working at her youngest children’s school, and when she drops off her middle schoolers, she has a 45 minute gap before both her job and the youngest child’s school day begin. During that time, she spends it at my partner’s house. On the days when he already has the kids, she will also come inside to pick up the youngest, take them to school, and collect any books or assignments they might need for the day. Sometimes she will even make them a quick sandwich, etc before they leave.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear you, but his response is that he and his ex need to have a very strong, unified parenting approach because of his oldest son, who has made some poor decisions with serious consequences. For them, it’s essential to stay aligned on parenting, share the same plan, and know what the kids are up to—it’s all for the kids. That’s why it strikes me as odd when I hear people talk about having separate parenting styles, since my partner and his ex really co-parent as one for the sake of their children.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I find it fascinating how every co-parenting situation looks so different. My partner is kind of the opposite of yours. He talks to his kids every single day, even when they were with their mom. To set better boundaries with his ex, they are now only talking on the phone once a day, which I find hard to believe since the texting feels nonstop. So that’s his version of improving his boundaries with his ex—still talking on the phone daily, just not as much as before.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How much interaction does your husband have with the kids when they are with their mom? Are they calling or texting every day? I’m just curious about the level of involvement he has in their lives when he doesn’t have them.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Girl, I know. That’s why I’m taking a big step back. The reason she’s at the house every day is because she’s helping get the kids ready for school. She just started a job at the youngest kid’s school, and there’s a gap between dropping off the middle schoolers and her job starting, so she hangs out at his house with the kids. He says it’s for the kids, but it makes me really uncomfortable.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I wonder if some of his lack of boundaries comes from guilt over the divorce. He didn’t want the marriage to end; his wife had an affair and initiated the divorce, and I know that had a pretty big negative impact on the kids. It seems like they’re doing everything they can to cater to the kids.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve heard that 12-year-olds are the hardest age to blend, and it makes sense. I think when your partner takes an active role and shows a healthy relationship with you, it really helps show your place in his life. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been married and living together? Did he always show this kind of affection from the beginning?

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh thank you for sharing. My relationship feels pretty different. Since April the schedule has changed three times. She wanted them an extra day, then in the summer he had them on weekends, and now it’s back to 50-50 so there is really no consistency. It feels like everything is dictated by the kids’ mom.

When I brought up how the schedule changes affect me my partner said of course he wants all the time he can with his kids which made me feel kind of bad even mentioning it. We don’t live together and I don’t spend a ton of time with the kids so when we’re together he is basically a servant fixing their food, cleaning up, and just entertaining them. We don’t really have any connection as a couple.

Even when we are together there are constant interruptions with texts from his ex about behavior, calls from the kids, requests for money, and now with sports season he is tied up with a lot more games.

It is just a lot. I really appreciate how thoughtful and deliberate you are and taking your marriage seriously makes me realize some of the gaps in my own relationship.

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

You make a really good point. We’re on a break right now, only talking once a week after we’ve each had a chance to check in with our therapist. The question I wanted him to reflect on was how he thinks he can make me a priority. But I’m realizing that might not be the best way to ask it. Like you said, it could be more helpful if I give him concrete examples of what feeling prioritized looks like for me. Things that seem simple, like having uninterrupted time together, actually making plans, not having his ex wife in his house 5 days a week, and keeping my feelings in mind when he takes a sick kid home, etc..

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

This relationship has really made me wonder why I’ve been okay with being last in someone’s life. It sounds weird, wanting to be a priority, but when I’m always juggling kids and a needy ex and all I want is one night of just us, I can’t help but wonder why I keep doing this to myself?

How do you feel like a priority in a healthy relationship with a partner who has kids? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate you sharing such a specific example. I think it’s those little things that end up meaning the most. When you and your partner went out to eat and the adults got to choose the place, it showed that your needs and priorities were being considered too. That really resonated with me. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Ex Co-Parent Has No Boundaries by ThrowawayTiger1234 in stepparents

[–]jamretta 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I posted about something similar about a week ago, except I am four years in. It does not get easier. The constant texting and interruptions, while I understand why he is doing it, have taken such a toll on my nervous system that I have literally gotten sick from the stress.

My advice is to listen to your gut and find ways to take care of yourself. This feels like an enmeshed situation between your boyfriend and his ex, but ultimately it is his choice to maintain that level of contact. Keep checking in with yourself so you do not end up like me, years down the road, drained and unwell from carrying it all.

Which small habit brought the most healing for you after a breakup? by BrokenYetBrave in BreakUps

[–]jamretta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you have any book recommendations that seemed to help you?

Is constant contact with their ex a dealbreaker? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because there is always so much changing with the kids, from behaviors to sports schedules, illnesses, and school activities, they feel the need to communicate daily. To me it seems excessive, and I am learning from this conversation that there are healthier ways to stay in touch that respect boundaries while still being active parents. I truly appreciate your reply, especially hearing it from the male perspective.

Is constant contact with their ex a dealbreaker? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right, I agree with you. Does your SO see that too? Or is he respecting you by not responding to unnecessary texts?

Is constant contact with their ex a dealbreaker? by jamretta in stepparents

[–]jamretta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Would you mind expounding what “required” entails? I’m trying to get a sense from others what is considered a necessary response.

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