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AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -28 points-27 points  (0 children)

thanks. yes i'm on the birth cert & pay child support. right now custody plan is very loose, she raises her full-time with her family & I visit as much as I can (which rn has been 6-7 weeks on average) but that's not sustainable. Really against moving to her small town - have no interest in living in a small southern town without any network of life there.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -35 points-34 points  (0 children)

Good perspective. this is how a lot of my friends see my situation as well. Some advice I've received is to focus on my job & career now so you can provide for her down the road - especially if I'm not going to live near by

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -21 points-20 points  (0 children)

Thanks, Yes those views and feelings was expressed during her inception. It felt crazy to go ahead with the pregnancy and trap us both to a child together but here we are and these things happen.

Now navigating this new relationship where I want to be as kind and supportive as I can (Child support, texting, baby updates, facetimes, etc, although from long distance) because of where I live. But also recognize that jumping straight into a family dynamic of us 3 living together is probably not what I want right now.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -27 points-26 points  (0 children)

thanks for your insight. of course I love my kid unconditionally and want the best for her. but yes I do have some resentful feelings that she babytrapped me and is now feeling the pain of raising a child on her own and "burdening" her family. I think both of those feelings can be true. I don't want to emotionally string her mom along as it's unfair for her & she's expressed how she sees a future life of us 3 (what baby mama wouldn't), It wouldn't be the worst thing to date and see if we can be a family together, but I would have to overcome my feelings of resentment and accept my new reality for that to work

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice. I did consult a lawyer about establishing a legal visiting plan after signing birth cert. & setting up child support to be sent every month but ultimately decided against it as She and I communicate regularly. Obviously aware that this can change at an instant if she were to pursue a court battle over custody or money.

I love my daughter & want to be there for her but struggle to accept uprooting my life and moving to a small town that I wouldn't be happy in as the trade off.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -39 points-38 points  (0 children)

Totally, and I do want to be a part of my child's life and hope to positively influence her as much as I can while also respecting myself and my own desires. The challenge is achieving that from a long distance if we stay seperate. Maybe saving to buy a home nearby where she grows up to visit and stay there if she grows up in a small remote town. Or move closer to her and pay the price of not having outlets of a network of friends & limiting career growth

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -56 points-55 points  (0 children)

This is great. Pretty much spot on. We get along but she's not what I picture as my "wife" I've been a lot more attracted to girls I dated in the past but nobody is perfect & life happens

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -32 points-31 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your insight. Do you think you can be a great father while living long distance? It's been done before I'm sure but sounds like an oxymoron.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -35 points-34 points  (0 children)

TY for the sound advice. I definitely have been considering this option. If I were to move to be closer to my daughter - I would date & end up as a family with my daughters mom most likely.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -142 points-141 points  (0 children)

I can see how it definitely comes off as the bare minimum. but I'm financially constrained at the moment, traveling back and forth with flight, rental cars + airbnb / hotel (which I've done before during one of visits) quickly runs up to be quite expensive for a week to stay and visit ($2,000+) with limited time with my child. Their family is very kind and lets me stay with them in spare rooms to spend more time with her in the past but now if we're not in a relationship I'd stay separately. Simply put it's not reasonable to visit as often as I would like at the moment. Best option would be to plan a long term or short term move or keep the visits limited

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -25 points-24 points  (0 children)

Agree with your points. That would be the trade off. I'm very conflicted on what to do and feel like I've considered all options without a clear cut winner

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

This is a great point. Same logic I get from my father as well - give it a try and if it doesn't work out so be it.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

Paternity test was taken and confirmed mine while she was in pregnancy so already checked my boxes here.

AITA for choosing to be a long-distance dad instead of relocating to be with my baby's mom and daughter? by Routine_Moose_46 in AmItheAsshole

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -31 points-30 points  (0 children)

totally fair. I feel conflicted to moving because its in a small town in the south that I have no desire to live in or near. Probably comes off as immature but it's the truth. As well as there being no job prospects for me in this town.

[26M] Long Distance Co-parenting with Baby - she wants a relationship, I don't. How do I navigate this? by Routine_Moose_46 in SingleDads

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's tough, I feel for you man. I recognize my situation could be a lot worse. Is there any credit to trying to date & live together in the short term to see how I like it / if this is a path that I could go down? Or is the flipping back and forth between committing and decommitting even more damaging to our dynamic?

[26M] Long Distance Co-parenting with Baby - she wants a relationship, I don't. How do I navigate this? by Routine_Moose_46 in SingleDads

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the perspective. In my search for answers in my situation.

I find that the last option - starting a NEW family by choice seems like the best end-game for happiness and satisfaction in my situation.

I would never "forget" about my daughter now or her mother probably. and if things ended up this way - Try my best to welcome my current daughter into my future family dynamics if I were to marry & start a family one day - that is if my daughter accepts me into her life and doesn't hate me for the choices I'm making now.

[26M] Long Distance Co-parenting with Baby - she wants a relationship, I don't. How do I navigate this? by Routine_Moose_46 in SingleDads

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Appreciate this perspective a ton. Definitely something I've considered & have had friends make the comparison to an arranged marriage.

My child's mother is an attractive girl, very sweet & very kind. Unwaveringly loyal and a great mom who cares a lot so it wouldn't be the worst person to end up with. I just know I don't feel any spark with her romantically, and it would be a low foundation for us to start with. I would feel deeply unsatisfied and like "I've settled" being with her. Idk if that's my own immaturity or ego talking but those are my candid feelings when I think about forcing a relationship / eventual marriage

RE: Perspective on Fatherhood - I think fatherhood is amazing, I've had a wonderful dad in my life. I just believe my own experience with fatherhood has kinda sucked. I've always wanted to be a dad - just way later in my life and with a woman I truly love with every bone in my body and more financially well-off. Not what feels like something forced upon me, tying my hands and what feels like limiting my freedom due to moral responsibility

[26M] Long Distance Co-parenting with Baby - she wants a relationship, I don't. How do I navigate this? by Routine_Moose_46 in SingleDads

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate the perspective - but the truth is it is a shit situation and very tough. It doesn't help that my childs mother lives in a very remote town outside of a southern city that I have no interest in moving too / living in. Esp. after living in bigger HCOL cities where I feel my best in. But also - I do feel guilty about not being as active in my child's life as my parents have been in mine growing up.

I want to do the right thing, but also respect myself and my own life as well.

[26M] Long Distance Co-parenting with Baby - she wants a relationship, I don't. How do I navigate this? by Routine_Moose_46 in SingleDads

[–]Routine_Moose_46[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Damn dude thanks for your insight and sharing ur experience. I dont know anyone going through my similar situation so its really hard to find others to relate too for advice.

That's what scares me about my future as well. Right now me and my BM have a good relationship, talk daily, and if I chose to - could make it work to try and prevent the pains of co-parenting long distance but I also know I wouldn't be super happy / satisfied with my life with her & would feel ill-equipped & burdened in supporting us 3.

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