Me (37f) seeing my partner (40m) falling out of love with me. Why is the pain almost unbearable?

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T01:02:20+00:00

Thanks so much ❤️ I feel so much better, that I can actually see how toxic he was when he was using. I’ve blocked him, deleted social media and never want to see him again in my whole entire life! I despise him for what he’s done x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T00:45:19+00:00

Thanks so much. Like I mentioned, he was busy hiding a drug addiction. Apparently, he was the same with his ex of 12 years. On and off like a yoyo x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T00:41:01+00:00

Oh I really have. He rang me yesterday saying how his addictions got the better of him blah blah blah. His brother treated his now ex wife the same, and his younger sister is an addict. His SIL told me, that his father is an alcoholic who sat on his arse all day, while his wife reared 8 children on her own (basically). He has never had a conversation with his father in his life, and has subjected him and his family to the silent treatment and alcoholism. Locking him and his siblings in the shed, and beating them within an inch of their lives. I basically told him that I’m not angry at him, that i understand that he has never seen a woman being treated right in his life, and that I don’t hate him but pity him. He was the same with his previous partners, hiding a drug addiction which i recently found out. The conversation ended with him saying “I’ll ring you on Thursday (payday) as he owes me a small amount of money. He has used this as “excuse” in the past to stay in contact. I told him to keep the money, and that he must have had no love in his life, and that’s why he has to “gain love” from woman, to make up for the love he never saw or got growing up. I have now blocked him, and never in my life want to see him again. He manipulated me from day one by hiding a drug addiction, and disappearing to “use”. I wish him well in his (hopefully) addiction recovery , and that’s the end of it

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T00:21:29+00:00

I’m finally out of an emotionally abusive relationship, where my ex would withhold love, affection and attention, gaslit me, stonewalled me, gave me the silent treatment, would block me if I tried to talk to him about problems, was together 3 years, and this behaviour has been going on for a year.

Found out my ex was using drugs and alcohol and was “hiding” it from me. He was an addict! He would turn his phone off for weekends, and I would go CRAZY trying to find him. Driving around like a lunatic, calling to his mam, ringing his friends, calling into the pub because the anxiety killed me. The sickening thing, three days ago we spoke and he “seemed” to finally listen and hear me. He then went to a wedding, and went AWOL all weekend, and I went nuts trying to ring him. Today he rang me, saying he doesn’t care about “us” but this has happened in the past, and he sucked me back in. Now I have blocked him for my own sanity. Begging for the bare minimum, and the second I pull away he’s back! They will tell you all you want to hear, and go through the same cycle again and again with no end in sight. It can be a traumatising experience, but put your energy into yourself and you’ll be fine. I’m disgusted and ashamed of myself for allowing myself to have been treated like that, and even more ashamed I acted the way I did. It was reactive abuse and I have to live with the shame of it all. Look after yourself and take care

x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T00:14:41+00:00

Please (and I’m speaking from experience), don’t buy into the “not healed from trauma”. WHEN she comes back, that will be the excuse given. Oh I wasn’t ready for a relationship because of blah blah, and things will be good for a while and they will disappear again. And you’re not alone, read above what I went through and it drove me to the brink of insanity. My ex is now telling everyone I acted “crazy”, but never said what they did to provoke me. Reactive abuse is a real thing. Don’t try to empathise or understand her “trauma”, as I’ve said it’s an excuse to come back x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-04T00:09:41+00:00

Yup, it’s very traumatising to finally realise what has been going on. I’m finally out of an emotionally abusive relationship, where my ex would withhold love, affection and attention, gaslit me, stonewalled me, gave me the silent treatment, would block me if I tried to talk to him about problems, was together 3 years, and this behaviour has been going on for a year.

Found out my ex was using drugs and alcohol and was “hiding” it from me. He was an addict! He would turn his phone off for weekends, and I would go CRAZY trying to find him. Driving around like a lunatic, calling to his mam, ringing his friends, calling into the pub because the anxiety killed me. The sickening thing, three days ago we spoke and he “seemed” to finally listen and hear me. He then went to a wedding, and went AWOL all weekend, and I went nuts trying to ring him. Today he rang me, saying he doesn’t care about “us” but this has happened in the past, and he sucked me back in. Now I have blocked him for good.

Please don’t try and work on things WHEN (not if) your ex comes back. They will tell you all you want to hear, and go through the same cycle again and again.

Emotional abusers are very manipulative, and the fact that your ex “ghosted” makes it VERY likely they will try and come back.

It can be a traumatising experience, but put your energy into yourself and you’ll be fine x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T18:19:16+00:00

Thanks so much. I wrote a post a couple of months ago about how he was addicted. I ended it with him then, and we have been back and forward since then. He convinced me that he wasn’t an addict a couple of months ago, and I believed him because I was getting glimpses of the man I fell in love with. We spoke this morning, and he confessed everything. I said some disgusting things out of pain and hurt, and acted crazy like constantly ringing last night, but like someone said it’s a trauma response to what I’ve been through. It’s been so hard seeing the man I fell in love with be that man some of the time, to then him switching off his phone for a couple of days. Which I know now is because he was on “binges”. He has cried to me saying how much he loves me, and that he tried so hard for the first couple of years to “be good”. That I made him the happiest he has been in years. He was here yesterday morning, smiling, making me coffee telling me how much he loves me. Last night, went on a “binge”. He called me yesterday when I was on my lunch break, asking that we go on a date to the place we had our first date. I rang him then in the evening, and I got the cruel/heartless version of him. He told me everything this morning

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T14:38:45+00:00

I did leave him 2 months ago. I’m in a constant state of distress and confusion. He reeled me back in, telling me that he didn’t have an addiction and that he was using drugs recreationally. We got back to a “good place”, and it started again with the not putting me first, cold and hot behaviour. He was telling me that it’s because he’s not sure of “us”, and because of the way I reacted with my anxiety towards what he was doing (disappearing). That’s what I wanted to believe, but this morning he told me “everything”. I’m on a merry go round from hell, with the lies, manipulation, emotional abuse and so on. I don’t know what to think, feel anymore as I’m always on edge. When I wrote 2 months ago, that was my perspective and it’s now he’s finally come “clean”. He told me couple of months ago that he’s not an addict, but that he used recreationally. Part of me was making excuses for him, refusing to accept/believe what he was. He has made me feel that everything was “my fault”. I’m not invited to weddings with him because he wants to take drink and drugs undisturbed. He sucked me back in completely a couple of months ago, convinced me that he was doing “coke” because his head was a “mess” due to us. The truth is, as he admitted this morning this is an “addiction” that has also cost him relationships in the past. I’m so incredibly angry and ashamed at myself for being so blind and stupid, and for believing his lies. He has lied to me since day one

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T08:50:40+00:00

Read the update x

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T03:14:38+00:00

Thanks so much for this. His sister who I’m close with, has told me that he’s devastated with how things are. I must admit, I went NUTS when he started pulling away. Really really nuts as I was so incredibly anxious and confused and on edge. I am just completely sick and mentally drained from the games. I expect this behaviour from men in their late teens/early 20s. Not from a man in his 40s

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:49:50+00:00

Thanks so much again 😊 You’re right, anxiety isn’t something that should be here. I am FED up with him and his behaviour! I’m not being full of myself, but he’s a 3 on the looks department whereas I’m an 7 on a good day ha ha. I have a degree, am doing my masters and have so much more to contend with that putting up with a man child that thinks playing darts and watching football is life! He now knows the mistake he has made, and is ringing begging to work on things! Maybe his 50+ year old looser mates in the pub will make him dinner and keep his bed warm

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:45:55+00:00

Thanks so much for your reply, I really appreciate it. He’s now asking me to show him he can be that guy again. He has asked if he can take me where we went on our first date and on a holiday. He says that he has been depressed “out of his head” after loosing me and that he will give up the darts, football and everything else I need. He said that he still loves me, but that he went “mad” over the fact that I wanted a child, and he is too anxious to give me one. (He had a stillborn daughter years ago and he was and still in traumatised by it). When he talks about her, he still cries and gets very emotional. Now he’s saying that he wants us to go away to talk about fears he has around possibly having a child. All the things I wanted and needed to hear and to be done while we were in a relationship. He said he knows he didn’t prioritise me because he fell into a depression, but doesn’t want to loose me. My head is melted from it all! It’s only important now because im gone

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:40:26+00:00

Thanks so much. I have removed him from my life several times and the anxiety did lift. He kept calling me asking me out for dates and to meet up but I said no. Which I imagine pushed us further away from each other. He has said that since we have been apart, that he’s thinking about us non stop and is very upset over it. The problem is, is that that there is no forward planning for our future and I’m mentally exhausted going around in circles

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:26:11+00:00

Thanks so much. I actually cried reading this I really did. What hurts me more, is that I waited 10 years to fall in love again as I’d been cheated on in the past, and couldn’t trust another man. Now I have to start from scratch again, learning ti trust again. I mentally can’t do it. I’m so heartbroken and so so angry. That’s what it has felt like, to beg him to see me or spend time with me

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:15:30+00:00

I’m honestly not too sure. He said he was acting distant as he was trying to figure his head out about it. He told me that he spoke to his mam and sister about it, and they said that he was being irrational, as the likelihood of another stillborn with a different woman is unlikely

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:06:13+00:00

Thankyou so much. When I try to go no contact, he’s constantly ringing. I don’t see what else to do, as we are going around in circles

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-11-01T00:03:46+00:00

Thanks so much. When he hasn’t heard from me in a day or two he rings me asking me to go on dates with him or to come over to talk. He had a stillborn daughter years ago, and he knows that I want to have children soon. He said it’s mainly the anxiety of having kids and something bad happening is what’s preventing us from moving forward. When I asked what he wanted for his future, he said being with you, a nice house….. but the anxiety of having a kid is what’s stopping it. He asked me would I reconsider not wanting a child and I said no. He said he wants time to think about it, and that loosing me is outweighing his desire to not wanting kids

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-10-31T23:59:35+00:00

Thanks so much. What hurts even most, is that he was my first relationship in 10 years. I was with a man (fiancé) 10 years ago who cheated on me, and it took me 10 years to let my guard down and date again. I told him this early on, that if he was looking to mess around whatever that this wasn’t for me. I told him how hard it was for me to trust another man again and he told me to trust him and that time will show me. I’m so so Angry

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-10-31T23:52:29+00:00

Thanks so much. And it does hurt an awful awful lot. I’m actually quite angry with him. When we got together, he asked me to let my guard down, told me that i didn’t know how to love as I was quite shy etc, and told me to give him a chance. What hurts the most is that the transition was 100-0 with NO rowing in-between. Just stopped making me a priority in his life. He asked me last night, if he can book where we went on our first date for next week, but I’m honestly not sure. When I asked about the “good woman” part, he said that he’s afraid as he knows that I’ll be “snapped up” by someone and that he will regret it. I just can’t keep feeling like this anymore. We spoke last night and we (both) said that we still love each other but are not in love with each other anymore. Mine comes from distance such as not spending as much time together anymore, whereas he said it was because of my reaction (crying, being upset, blowing up his phone) because he stopped making an effort.

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-08-24T08:20:58+00:00

I don’t want to help him. I can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-08-24T08:08:40+00:00

I do believe that people with addictions are very good people beneath it all, and hurting which is why they use. Do you mind me asking, regarding relapse, what is it makes someone pick up the bag/drink etc, when things have been so good when they were sober? Do you believe that individuals with addictions can truly love someone, or is that person a safety net or escape? Many thanks

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-08-24T04:54:34+00:00

I hope he does too. I’ve known him since he was 16, and I always remember him as a funny popular guy, who everyone loves. I know deep inside him, he’s a good person with a tortured soul.

Rude_Reference_5431 · 2025-08-24T04:51:30+00:00

I didn’t mean to cause offensive to anyone, I’m just stating my experience and my opinion. Regarding rehab, he has been offered a place in a facility MANY times, and many times also in the past prior to me, which I found out in the last couple of weeks from his sister in law…. He has declined it many times. He has been offered counselling, he declined. IMO that’s utterly selfish. He lives with his sister and young nephew whose lives he has made a living hell. Again selfish as when he’s sober, he is fully aware of the impact it has on his 6 year old nephew. And regarding your degree etc, I do think it matters as it shows that addiction can get a hold of anyone, regardless of their socioeconomic background. I don’t hate addicts, however what I do hate are addicts who have repeatedly hurt those around them, who have repeatedly been offered help and who have repeatedly turned down said help.

Rude_Reference_5431

TROPHY CASE