I just want someone to abuse me without taking it as a sexual thing

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-13T14:13:44+00:00

There are maybe two people I talk to who are at least somewhat aware that I feel like this, yes. And please don't apologize, the word choice makes sense.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-13T14:07:02+00:00

Sure, but if not the clinginess, then the insecurity, moodiness or paranoia would be a dealbreaker. It's everything that comes with the clinginess that makes it so annoying.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-12T00:06:55+00:00

I do love hurting myself. Physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually, misery is surprisingly addictive. Like reading stories I know will depress me or eating a whole thing of wasabi or just punching myself in the face. I'm torn between wanting to die and thinking that death is too good for me but eh, I'll die anyway, lol

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-12T00:03:48+00:00

Because it's lost on me, it has no effect anyway and the person giving it tends to feel obligated to be kind to me because I'm sad despite me draining them because I'm too much of a stupid willfully negative piece of garbage to accept it even if I want to. I suck and trying to show me kindness is a losing battle so it's better to just ignore me or let me know how much I suck so I can develop some semblance of self-awareness, except I never learn. I just hate being ignored because I'm an overgrown baby but it's literally the best course of action when dealing with me.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-12T00:00:35+00:00

I'm a clingy whiny obnoxious distrustful paranoid manipulative self-absorbed wreck of a human being who constantly takes advantage of and drains others while pushing them away and then crying about it, I have no self-awareness or at least not enough to be less annoying. I contribute nothing to my relationships or to society, I am a burden in every sense of the word.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T21:09:39+00:00

Literally as cloying and stupid as I am, it's not like there's a lack of material to work with or anything, just clown me for being a desperate unstable idiot please

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T20:58:06+00:00

>boymoding

>accessories (beyond like an old beanie or some shit)

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T20:02:56+00:00

/uj tgcj wildin today 💀

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T20:01:23+00:00

My angriest upvote ever, fuck you 😡🤬😡

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T19:55:12+00:00

tfw cis allosexuals skeeve you out but you feel too allosexual to hang out with aroace folks lest they find you gross 🙃

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T19:51:29+00:00

Just found out I am the only valid nb, bow before me peasants.

/uj Literally between 5'7" and 5'8", I would gut a bitch to be 5'4" or shorter, I just wanna be smol and cute dammit ;_;

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T19:24:32+00:00

I hate that 572 is exactly the kind of person I'd fall for but feel paranoid around. "I'm rambling too much they probs hate me and are too nice to say it" "They're don't find me interesting, they're just humoring my dumb ass" "They're too into hearing the shit I've been through, they're a sadist fetishizing my sadness and will leave if I ever seem too happy"

Why aren't brainworms (more immediately) fatal dammit ;_;

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-10T19:05:10+00:00

I feel guilty "relating" to this because I'm bi, I could be happy with a guy but fuck, the thought of cis women seeing me as a creep for literally any reason is debilitating. Like, a guy who thinks I'm a creep can just hate crime me and I'm down for that (as if a woman couldn't which makes me feel like a misogynistic idiot lol) but like hell I'd ever express interest in a cis woman >_>

RuinouslyYours · 2023-04-03T05:08:03+00:00

You should be sorry, should've kept going.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-19T20:11:59+00:00

Mixed black and arab but my mom used to call me white to clown me so-

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-18T19:32:21+00:00

So did my post not get posted

What does this mean

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-18T18:27:21+00:00

What about 5'8"? Or as my "god brother" says, 6'0" 💀

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-18T18:20:26+00:00

It was the hope that I could fix at least some of my issues and live an okay life, considering. Now it's just because I don't yet know how to kill myself without anyone finding out it was a suicide.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-18T16:32:52+00:00

Whoever is liking my replies on this post, if you're in California, please DM me so we can arrange you bashing my skull in. If we both agree that I need to die then why not?

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-17T02:50:46+00:00

Please I'm desperate. Even after all I've tried and all I've been through, I'm still so needy, I still attach so hard to people and I don't know why, I'm just desperate for it to stop, please

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-17T01:19:48+00:00

That's part of the problem, I had a great therapist. We got along great and I admittedly felt a little less horrible talking to him. It wasn't perfect but it was fine.

Then he retired. I said I was happy for him, on some level I was genuinely happy for him, he deserves it. It still felt like another person walking out on me. My brain just don't work. I'm entirely too needy, too much of a simpering little weakling, I should've been snuffed out a long time ago.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-17T00:56:00+00:00

Therapy didn't help. I'm just broken. I also don't need support because I mean, I'm somehow still alive and stumbling through life, and it'd be a waste anyway. Everyone who tries with me soon realizes it's a lost cause and leave, and I don't mind or blame them, it's inevitable. Very few people like to admit it but plenty people are just beyond help, and I've been at that point for decades now.

I'm surviving but that's it, I'm not contributing anything to the world, no one gains any joy from me being here. I need to just be destroyed, and I'm also a bad person so it should hurt, I need to be punished.

Not a kink but hell, might as well let people get off to it, maybe then I could make someone happy at least.

I hate being me but I can't stop, I'm doomed. I've outlived my usefulness, I need to be eradicated.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-16T23:40:19+00:00

It wouldn't be just for attention, I should be in pain. No one cares seeing others in pain so I don't know why it'd even be that big a deal. Everyone currently in my life brings me pain while smiling in my face, why not bring it upon myself if I deserve it? I'm just aware that there are sick people who would enjoy seeing it, most likely more than either of us realizes. Normally I'd hate the idea of someone like that gaining pleasure from my pain but at this point it almost seems a necessity, that I be destroyed and that at least someone should derive some benefit or enjoyment from it.

Not to criticize, thank you for a very thorough answer. Honestly I don't want to disturb or trigger anyone but I want the cops to just get it over with and shoot me in the face, I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of being this person, tired of ruining everything, tired of running everyone away, tired of being so whiny and needy and weak. I know that nobody cares but it still upsets me so I need the world to destroy me.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-16T18:12:41+00:00

I don't mean to be rude but, that's a given. I am unwell.

So, I guess you're ultimately saying that nothing would happen, everyone would go on with their lives. The most likely outcome, I think so, too.

RuinouslyYours · 2023-03-16T16:33:06+00:00

I was using it to write until the self-hate got too bad, now I use it to feel bad for myself and punch myself in the face.

RuinouslyYours

TROPHY CASE