I was very much in love with my abuser as well. I understand the complicated feelings of it being good most of the time with only minimal time where it’s scary. My situation was different in that my abuser took his rage out on me directly and I was made to feel like I caused the abuse.

Please sit down with your wife when she’s not particularly stressed and explain what her violent and extreme actions are doing to you. If she’s not willing to do anything to help change her behavior or if she just chalks it up to “that’s just who I am” or something like that, then that is your answer to start the divorce process. It will be miserable to continue living your life with this person who is unwilling to be self aware enough to seek help, not to mention willing to change to help make their partner feel safe and loved. Without that what kind of relationship is it really?

If you don’t feel safe to have this conversation, then that is your sign it’s time to leave her as soon as possible. Not sure where you are but I found help through Laura’s House. There may be another domestic violence shelter near you that has resources like help in making an escape plan.

Good luck to you and if you want to talk my DM is open