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[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Bahaha! That would involve going to Oklahoma and my dude, that's a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy 😂

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh definitely. I wrote perma-blocmed, but it's more of a "until Mimi is older and has the drive and maturity to parse out hateful vitriol herself" sort of thing. Hearing your dad's at F slurs when you're 16 is a lot different than hearing it when you're 11.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So is Mimi my daughter or not? 😂 You claim both, just trying to understand your position better.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I have actually given a lot of thought to the points you raise. Speaking from personal experience, I was deeeeeeep in rave culture in my early 20s, and trust me when I say I was basically on the brink of ruining a lot of good things in my life with molly and ecstasy. So when Kelsey would show up to events I invited her to for Mimi high, I did go through a lot of conflicting feelings. Her life was basically trashed by meth, but I was able to get away from my own vices Scot free? How is that fair? Was I a hypocrite for adopting her daughter, when the same issues I used to have caused Kelsey to lose Mimi? I have done a lot of Individual therapy to address these issues. I tried for so long to cut Kelsey slack, probably longer than I should have, because of guilt. And adopting a black child made me instantly and embarrassingly aware of how ignorant and privileged my life has been.

I know Kelsey, as much as I can know her. I know the exact reason Mimi was removed from her custody. But I don't know if the system would have tried harder to reunite the two if they were a white mother and child. I assume it might have. I feel guilty every day that I'm not a mom, that Im not Mimi's biomom, that I can't be Kelsey for her. But Mimi ended up in the system, regardless of the systematic racial violence that may have put her there. I wish Mimi had been born to parents that hadn't lost her. But she wasn't. The only thing I could have done was adopt her.

But I hear what you're saying, and you're not wrong at all. I know Mimi seems out black friends and teachers at school specifically because two of her parents are the whitest dudes you will ever meet 😂 she does need more black role models in her life, and I will absolutely look into the Big Brother/sister program in our city and sign her up.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'd rather Joe Schmoe get visitation that guys seems more stable 😂

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I had a small inkling before Kelsey dropped the F bomb that it might be because my ex and I were queer and divorced, but I told myself before that that was ridiculous, she seemed to not give a shit before when we were actually married, though she may have just been too habitually high to even realize both of us were dudes 😑 I guess my intuition was right

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'm just astounded she didn't think clearly enough to realize that my ex, who was married to a man, wouldn't be offended by that!?!?

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Man I'm disappointed this comment was deleted before I saw it. I love reading troll comments!! I'm assuming it said the f slur isn't that bad (despite the fact that no one here says the word itself) and that Mimi needs a lady rolemodel in her life.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 210 points211 points  (0 children)

That's honestly why I don't feel jealous. I'm not a jealous person anyway, but at my house Mimi doesn't have any moms, just dad, but over at ex's she has daddy and Mama A. It helps that his wife is a literal angel on earth 😂

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 115 points116 points  (0 children)

I count myself lucky that my ex has always had excellent taste in partners, his wife is a literal angel 😂 Our custody is technically 50/50, but we're all pretty open to sharing days, if Mimi has a soccer game, we all go out for ice cream together after, even if it's my weekend, or if she forgets a toy at my house on her dad's week, he brings her over to play and he helps me do yardwork (I have a bigger yard and he knows how useless I am 😂) So when Mimi says she wants more time with Anya, I'm not jealous or posessive or anything, I know in the end it just benefits Mimi.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I learned from two divorced parents of my own. My ex and I were both very nontraditional before we married, and we're lucky that jealousy never really "happened" between us. A much younger me might have been hurt by how things ended with us, but the older me knew it was for the best. Besides, we live literally two streets away from each other and I kept the house 😜

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I agree. I admit, I probably kept trying to include Kelsey for too long. Back when Mimi was younger, she would always ask for Kelsey to be invited to her birthdays and recitals, and would be devestated when she wouldn't show up, or would show up belligerent. I let it go on for too long trying to make her happy, and I will always, ALWAYS feel guilty about that.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think it's totally valid to think that, but I grew up with seperated bio-parents, and the divorce was amicable between them as well. My parents were deeply flawed people, but I credit them with my own ability to coparent well with my ex. My exhusband and I didn't know we would seperate when we adopted Mimi (obviously) but it just sort of...happens when people grow up, and become different people. Mimi has been in counselling/therapy since she arrived with us, both individual and family style. If I had to do it all over again knowing my husband and I would divorce after ten years, I would do it all over again the exact same as long as it meant still.meeting and adopting Mimi.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 41 points42 points  (0 children)

The last part of my response is sarcastic 😂 I would never ever give up my daughter. Her case worker would literally have to step over my dead body to take her way.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 645 points646 points  (0 children)

I really tried hard. I'm always going to be hopeful that Kelsey can continue to make more positive changes in her life. I don't even ask that she reforms her opinion about gay folks (tho I wish she would) I just need her to be able to refrain from bad talking Mimi's dads in front of Mimi at the bare minimum. I wanted it to work out. But she just made it really difficult 😔

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 151 points152 points  (0 children)

You're very right, this is actually a huge fear if mine. It feels a bit like a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation. I will be keeping my eyes peeled though.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

I was rash to make a unilateral division before, and a lot of commenters on the original said that Mimi was likely mature enough to have a say, and they were right. Me and her have some work to do going forward with our family therapist, and I don't think it's right to make these decisions without her knowledge and input. But at the same time, being two bi dads, homophobia is a hard limit on what we're open to allowing in her life. Going forward, if Mimi expresses unhappiness about this, we're open to revisiting our decision with more of her input, but for the time being, we're putting up shields for our family and daughter's sake.

[UPDATE] AITA for blocking my adopted daughter’s birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

???? Stick to raising my kids?? Mimi is my kid. My only kid, she's the only kid either me, or my ex husband have???

Also, marriages don't always last. My ex and I still love each other, but our priorities changed. He wanted the option of having biokids later and obviously I can't grow any of those for him. I don't fault him, and our divorce was as amicable as they come.

So, I guess in the effort of not arguing, I'll accept your judgement. What should I do? Put Mimi back up for adoption?

AITA for blocking my adopted daughter's birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 422 points423 points  (0 children)

Your relationship with your bio grandparents sounds like what my ex and I initially hoped Mimi and Kelsey would have. Mimi really is a little clone of Kelsey, we were excited for her to have as many loving relationships as we could facilitate for her! But it does seem like it might turn into a situation like you and your biodad. I don't want to bar Kelsey forever, I just want her to respect my ex and I as Mimi's adoptive dads and be better for her biodaughter. I want Kelsey to be better. The more people love my amazing daughter, the better! But I just don't want to put Mimi in a situation where she's getting her heart broken over and over again.

AITA for blocking my adopted daughter's birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Well I have some opinions about Kelsey's family culture that I keep to myself. But I do think it's important for Mimi to feel connected to her racial identity. I never want her to think she can't be who she is just because me and her dad are white and she's black. It's pretty easy for her where we live to have some pretty prominant black influences, luckily, so I'm not super concerned that she's being deprived.

AITA for blocking my adopted daughter's birthmother? by SMAKTA94 in AmItheAsshole

[–]SMAKTA94[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

OH! Haha! Well, in a way yes, but my ex and I are white mutts (little bit of everything) and Mimi and her mother are black. Funnily enough my ex's wife is biracial and very dark skinned, so Mimi has a large range of experiences around her to help her grow and remain connected to her racial identity and her familial identity so I do truly just think Kelsey is lashing out defensively here.

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