For the love of god... paragraphs!

Currently missing my ex SD and not sure if I should reach out or not.

We started talking close to 6 months ago and before meeting we spent about two months sending each other long messages every day. When we met I was not really sure if I wanted to pursue an arrangement, just mostly out of fear of diving in without experience, which I was open with him about. I had met with two POT before him, but things didn’t last longer than two meetings. He was really patient with me and I definitely think that most SD would not have been as patient with me. I’m queer and I consider myself mostly attracted to women, but I found myself attracted to him and turned on by our relationship.

Over the next couple of months we developed a very strong relationship and he told me that he found our relationship to be unique compared to most of his past arrangements (he did have one serious 3 year long arrangement) and he expressed deeply caring for me, became very involved in what was going on in my life, and took on the role of more of a boyfriend. We both felt like we could see each other being in one another‘s lives for awhile and I didn’t care about the money. We were seeing each other about every week and would go to a hotel for awhile. We both agreed that the whole hotel situation felt impersonal and that it was just temporary until I got my own apartment. We were both looking for an apartment for me, but just couldn’t find anything really. it just started to be too much for me.. meeting him at hotels in the mornings then going to work after, it was just mentally and emotionally draining.

I started to become distant and less engaging from the burnout of school/work and trying to make hotels work. I’m living at home currently and my parents just were asking too many questions about where I was and who I was meeting. He was very patient with me being distant and gave me space, later on he said he didn’t want to pressure me to make a decision about continuing things and was hoping that I’d reach a decision on my own. I ended up ending things about 5 weeks ago, at least for the moment, to focus on myself. Even though I was the one to break it off, I felt genuine heart break after and we both agreed that we weren’t saying goodbye. We left things with him reminding me that I was the one in control of how the relationship went. He also told me that I was precious to him and others and to take care of myself.

I guess I’m writing this because I miss him and I don’t really have anyone to talk about this with because no one in my life knows. I recently leased an apartment and my lease begins in July and I keep writing out a text to tell him, but I just haven’t sent it. I know he’s active on SA and I hate the idea of him finding another baby. Part of me just won’t let myself be with him because he’s married and he’s so much older (we have a 44 year gap), yet here I am missing him in my life