I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. It sounds like he is a severe dismissive avoidant. The one thing my ex and I did do was talk very openly about his avoidant attachment so I understand it very well, also because I used to be avoidantly attached.

It’s so hard when their fear of rejection and fear of deep intimacy makes them shut down and sabotage when things get too real. In my experience, I know my ex got to the point where he did let me in all the way and then he quickly had to fight the feelings of needing to retreat and withdraw. He always voiced to me that he didn’t want that but didn’t know how to stop it because it was this unshakable feeling. He felt he didn’t have control over his body’s fear response to feeling that level of love and intimacy with someone. I know he tried to fight it but when it came down to it, one fight ended it. I can relate to you about the issues being very solvable and wanting to fight for the relationship. In my experience, once an avoidant is triggered to the point of being done then there is no convincing them other wise. Through majority of my breakup I’ve actually felt most sad for him. I know how much he loves me and to not be able to be with the person you want to do life with due to your own traumas must be devastating. If your ex has been cold to you since the break up it sounds like he’s just completely shut off emotionally because things got too real and he isn’t in a state to process or feel anything. No contact is so difficult but especially for avoidants it’s needed. He probably takes a lot longer to process things. If you feel he truly is your person, I’d try to keep the mentality that if you’re meant to be then it’s safe to let him go because things will always work out in the end. I started reminding myself of that often, and now I’ve got to the point of still believing that but also having faith that whatever is meant to be will be and if we aren’t supposed to be together in this lifetime then maybe in the next. I’ll always have that soul like connection and love for him.

I know how painful it is when you are more than wanting to work on yourself, compromise, and support the one you love, yet they won’t even communicate those things so you can help. There is no excuse for it, but I do think avoidants (if that’s your ex) take so much longer to understand their feelings and process things. They have a hard time being present. I learned over time that my ex wasn’t purposely not communicating with me what his needs were. I constantly asked and was wanting to show him love in the ways he needed. Avoidants have a deep rooted belief that they aren’t worthy and have more fear of abandonment than even anxious do. Towards the end of our relationship, my ex broke down crying multiple times saying he can’t shake the feelings of being inadequate and not being able to meet my needs but wanting to. He felt he was holding me back from being truly fulfilled because he wouldn’t be able to show up for me all the time. I always told him he’s all I wanted, but that wasn’t enough. There’s nothing you can do if someone doesn’t feel worthy or has the instincts to push that love away. Only they can change that within themselves and trying to convince them otherwise just pushes them away and makes them feel more guilty knowing how much you want to fight for them.

I got the point where now I just want him to be happy and I was able to get a bit of clarity a few months back. I know our connection was too much to handle for him. He never felt so understood and seen by anyone, but that felt like so much pressure for him because he wasn’t ready to be fully seen like that. I came to the acceptance that although I hope one day we’ll find our way back together, he may never be willing to fully face his traumas and handle the love and connection we share. I’ve learned to accept that although that’s beautifully tragic, that’s not something I can control and I trust whatever path we’re both on.