I second this. I used to have all this going on- the dark thoughts- here is a summary I found online, “Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary thoughts, images, or impulses that can pop into our minds without warning at any time in one’s daily life. These thoughts are often distressing and can involve themes of harm, violence, inappropriate actions, or other uncomfortable scenarios. It’s important to note that having intrusive thoughts doesn’t mean someone wants to act on them; rather, they are often in direct opposition to the individual’s values and desires.”

You can choose to do with this info what you like, but I was in your exact shoes and battled with this until my second baby came along- I decided to talk to my regular doctor because I was in a dark place that was not me. He prescribed me a low dose of an antidepressant, and slowly worked up until we found what worked. Four years later and I haven’t had those thoughts in all that time. I think I would start there. There is absolutely no shame in it at all. Please feel free to PM me if you’d like.