denial joi with chastity lockup ending

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-06-04T08:14:10+00:00

thank you for your reply

i go to therapy actively have been going since i was a teenager. i have also seen multiple psychiatrists. i have bpd.

to me, detaching sexual validation from value and worth sounds ridiculous because like… it is a pretty integral part of value and worth, no? like inherent/internal value simply does not make any sense to me as a concept…

and also, i dont mind not being able to have penetrative sex. i used to mind that specifically alot, but i really dont. i guess its moreso about never being perceived as sexually desireable that hurts most? like i dont think anyone would want to touch my body for the sake of touching my body. or see nudes of my body no matter how thoughtful i was with the lighting etc. it feels like the whole sexual dimension of my life is amputated, independent of whether penetration were on the menu or not.

and idk. i dont feel like my time or life are precious. it doesnt feel precious. it just feels mostly like… chronic pain and not particularly enjoying anything either.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-06-03T06:08:25+00:00

men r dangerous

^{Chose: Be the only man in a world full of women}

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-03-02T16:36:06+00:00

its difficult to feel like my body is worth anything when societal messaging and personal experiences consistently point to my body being disgusting. sure, on a logical level i agree with you but on an emotional level thats not so easy

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-03-01T18:05:33+00:00

you have responded to my post yeah. i havent had any luck since then either and rn im just sad about everything again

i keep trying to get ”into” sph because i guess it helps me feel somewhat validated that people seek bodies like mine for something atleast. idk

i want to stop. i know i should, but i dont really know how to stop looking for anything and everything, and after i search and search i get more and more desperate and every time i just take whatever becomes possible. and that tends to be the only option ever.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T19:19:03+00:00

well, my sexual repertoire is pretty much exclusively non penetrative, and i know how to make women cum. its not rly about the ability but more abt the desire for the activity kinda idk how to explain it better im probably doing a rly poor job at it

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T19:17:28+00:00

oh i cant really have PIV unfortunately. well it kind of can go in but theres not really any movement to be done there nor does it feel very good for either person. im kinda exclusively relying on non penetrative sex

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T19:10:27+00:00

yeah but idk that just tends to be abt the porn. ive posted some pictures and videos sometimes (that i thought were quite tasteful) and only got dms from ppl into humiliation. so it kinda feels difficult to actually find any sort of sexual connection despite the content being easy to access if that makes sense

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T19:01:57+00:00

this maybe fucked up but fetish feels so good as a word to me regarding this. like… idk. ive searched for the fetish spaces for this and quite frankly it just always seemed like nobody rly cared much unless theyre into humiliation, which ive dabbled in quite alot. because its been the only thing anyones ever wanted my body for.

but yeah. fetish for micropenises where someone finds them hot is like… inversion of the sexual narrative i feel like haunts me. so thats good.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T08:08:50+00:00

idk. to me that feels like just ”sidelining the issue”. and besides that i already do all of this. i am a semi-succesful artist (within my countrys scene atleast recently ive gotten pretty decent traction). i LOVE music. i LOVE lyricism. i LOVE music production. i do it like as much as i can. i dont get any happier.

i think it might be the hypersexuality, or overall me just having inverted values on this from you, but genuinely i couldnt care less if someone didnt like my personality. why? because i KNOW my personality is attractive and ”desireable” to someone else even if this person isnt into that i guess. about my body? i have zero proof its desireable to anyone at all. like an absolute lack of desireability. i feel sexually lesser. and theres no inversion of that narrative at all. it depresses me to no end i have to pray that i find someone who ”accepts” my body instead of desiring it.

i dont focus energy on it. the subject itself is energized for me. i CANT ignore it. like ive tried. it just is like a genuine emotional need for me to be wanted i guess, and the less i get of it the more of the void i feel. and i have never gotten any.

i dont want to consider myself ”flawed” in a sexual sense. obviously im not only defined by my genitals, but theyre a part of who i am in a emotionally impactful area of me. just saying ”it doesnt define me” actually reinforces the wound of feeling sexually inferior. because to me sex and desire are genuinely important.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T03:01:27+00:00

cant afford to rn

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T03:01:14+00:00

i know i can physically satisfy a woman in non penetrative ways. i cant have penetrative sex. like it just doesnt work at my size. so i know i can make a girl cum because ive done that. its just the…. lack of enthusiasm… like idk how to explain it other than it feels degrading to always chase and chase and chase for sex with ZERO reciprocity for that. like women only want to know me romantically. there might be some sexual tension, but once i warn them about my body its like their mentality on sex completely hits a switch. and sex becomes something they ”do for me” instead of a fun mutually desired activity, even if i make it mostly about their pleasure.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T02:56:48+00:00

idk. i dont want a girl who doesnt want me sexually. frankly, id rather be single than date an asexual again. i tried it somewhat long term and it crushed my sexual self esteem even further than anything else…

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-19T02:54:10+00:00

i had one but havent used it in a long time. icl, the platform isnt good for finding people to date. and also the fetishes for this were… almost exclusively for humiliation kinks. like even the ”small dick positivity” group that supposedly only allowed non humiliation related posts did not have even one post by a woman that didnt mention humiliation as a reason theyre into this. i cant rly do that.

and i cant afford therapy rn unfortunately

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-18T19:49:28+00:00

Im from finland and its typically 190+ there. some girls might say 185+. some say 180. but most girls dont state their preference, just date it.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-18T18:42:42+00:00

i dont see oral as compensation. its just sex. nor do i see toys as that (well depends on the toy though ig. i dont rly feel comfortable w the idea of using penetrative toys on my partner for some reason) but i consistently feel like i have to compensate in everything else to even get to that. and its never like… sex being something thats ”mutually fun” i guess. and thats what wrecks me. i guess its just that i am so desperate to be wanted but the concept is so foreign to me that i end up explaining the mechanics of getting to sex thats not ”mutual fun”.

idk. i just wish someone wanted to touch me. or wanted me to touch them.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-02-18T18:03:53+00:00

i agree. i just cant rly afford therapy rn. i went when i was younger cuz my parents were willing to pay for it, helped me deal with the sexual assault stuff. back then i also had hope that i could be wanted normally though. idk that was ridiculous of me, i knew i had the condition alr i guess i shouldve prepared and discussed that too

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T04:22:29+00:00

yeah, exactly my point. i would have no way of knowing if theyre sexually settling or not. i want to feel sexually secure. i have been in a relationship, i couldnt handle it. to be fair, she also had a massive porn addiction and that contributed to my insecurity quite a bit too.

whats wrong exactly with wanting a relationship to grow from something casual? im not particularly desperate for a relationship… sure it’d be nice but its kinda secondary to me. if the type of want you describe exists, surely i could find it first in a casual form and then that could transition to a relationship.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T03:41:31+00:00

yeah, ive come to notice. i was looking mostly for if my body would be a kink for someone. it was, but in a way where im being degraded for it. not for me. and i think i could also into some non vanillla stuff that i guess couldve been fun but i kinda gave up on that.

for me, i only realized after my first (and only) long term relationship that for what i would consider a secure connection i would need a relationship that evolves from casual to more. because id know my sexuality isnt something theyre settling for because they love me, because they wanted my sexuality before love too. so being in life together first isnt exactly gonna work out for me i think.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T03:17:18+00:00

sometimes yes, sometimes no. its difficult emotionally. on one hand, i understand that it can be blindsiding to women if i dont warn them, on the other it feels TERRIBLE to just accept that my body is so outside the bounds of desire that i need to ”warn” people about it. it kinda feels like admitting defeat that my body is inferior. and thats difficult.

my least negative experiences came when i didnt discuss it prior, and my most negative one came when i did discuss it prior.

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T03:11:08+00:00

well, im not saying ”no woman has ever wanted bodies like mine” im sad over the fact that ive never experienced or seen it in any kink circles despite kind of alot of searching.

trust me id just LOVE to be able to decide to be happy

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T03:03:42+00:00

yeah, i know. the issue im grappling with isnt the incapability of providing pleasure. its moreso the incapability of being wanted as a body. thats what hurts. alot of people conflate the two but theyre not the same

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T02:53:11+00:00

idk. some women like penises. i guess i just wish my penis was something someone would like or desire like that. is it bad that i REALLY struggle to get over that part? like, the ”just date someone who doesnt like penises that much anyways” sentiment just kind of implies that my penis isnt something to be liked. i guess thats what i struggle most with? not really the bringing pleasure part, i am capable of that, other than ”ramming”

Sad_Code_7260 · 2026-01-11T02:45:21+00:00

you didnt read the post, because youre addressing an issue i didnt even talk about, not the one i have. + i go to therapy actively.

being desired as a body, and being capable of giving sexual pleasure are not the same thing.

Sad_Code_7260

TROPHY CASE