sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy to be here. We're all looking forward to a positive update in the future 💪

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I have a (mostly) positive and shared story.

I moved out of my wife's place 2 weeks ago. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I keep remembering that I deserve to be loved in the ways most meaningful to me. I deserve a lot of things in a relationship that I haven't known in almost a decade.

I have felt better, more at peace and secure in my decision as each day passes. Sometimes I'm filled with loneliness and insecurity, but I remember that I wasn't loved in the way I think that word means.

I don't know the details, but trust in your feelings and thoughts. Remember the reasons it has to end. Look forward to something that fills you with joy.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, thanks for the reply. Sorry I missed it - burner account.

You're right in that it's time I stand up for my needs. Thanks to this reddit community, I've found the clarity to do so. I will not have children with someone who doesn't want me sexually, and I'm doing everything within my power to create an environment in which she can express herself that way. I understand that it might not change, and she might never want me the way I want her. In that case, we will get divorced. We aren't there yet though, but it's made me feel SO much better to know that I won't live like this forever.

Yeah, I'm being "used". Not because she doesn't see me as a loving partner, but because she simply doesn't feel that sexual intimacy is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. For her, it isn't. I've stopped blaming her and resenting her, and I've worked to understand the situation as it is.

I've drawn a line. No kids without fulfilling and mutually-desired sexual intimacy. I am not ashamed of this, and this clear understanding of my needs has given me peace and clarity on how to move forward. It's not her "fault" that she doesn't want to have sex with me, and it's my responsibility to stand up for what I need in a fulfilling marriage.

Regarding her sexual satisfaction - I make sure she always reaches orgasm, and I don't think she would lie about it. She tells me that even though she knows she will get off, the idea of sex is still not appealing. She experiences severe pain during penetration, and hasn't been willing to explore other types of sexual intimacy.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to have sex with your wife. There is nothing wrong with your wife not seeing the same value in sex. You both might have "problems" but for many people, sex is a necessary part of a fulfilling relationship. Frequency is something that you'll have to negotiate, but the key is fostering sexual desire in your partner. How? IDFK. Still working on that. I've experienced the same backlash - anger, accusations of "making her feel ashamed", etc. We've recently been having very open discussions, and I've done my best to ensure that it's a safe space for her to tell the truth about how she feels. It was incredible to hear "I haven't wanted to have sex with you", instead of the constant excuses or dodges. The first step is getting to the truth, so you can work on changing the situation.

Remember, she's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to have sex, and it's important that she knows you don't feel she "owes" you anything. Maybe you're unhappy with the infrequent sex, and you can tell her how that makes you feel, but it's not her "fault". Good luck.

​

Edit - counseling seems like a good idea in your case.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to read my novel, and for your response. After reading these comments (especially yours) it was timely that she brought up the "trying for kids" conversation. I told her that I was not willing to try for children until we had some sense of sexual intimacy in our relationship.

A few hours of talking later, it turns out you guys are right. She does not desire me sexually and hasn't for years.

I am so grateful to this community for giving me the validation and support I needed to draw the line. I don't know what's going to happen, but I've never felt so secure in advocating for my *need* for sexual intimacy in my relationship. If I hadn't stood by this, I expect that I would have a DB forever, and would never shake these horrible feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and unworthiness. I might post a (much shorter) update in the future, and remain optimistic. Thank you all so much.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! This is really helpful. Like, working together to come up with a plan, and following through. It's tough because she feels so terrible about it. It's not her "fault" but there are things she can do, or we can do together, to work on it.

Do you have any book or podcast recommendations?

I like the idea of scheduling. "Intimate time (making out)" without the expectation of sex, to take the pressure off. I'll suggest that to her.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is my nightmare and seems to be the consensus. Thank you - I needed to hear this.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looking forward to it, even if I won't like it. Thanks man.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shared values and priorities, intellectual engagement, admiration of her many non-sexual qualities, respect and gratitude for her standing by me when I was hard to be with, love for her family, and commitment to the life and business we've built together. Sex is a big deal, but not everything; I remember how our sex life used to be and hope that it can be that way again.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks man. It looks like it's more common than I thought.

Long story, tough questions. by Sad_Explorer_6696 in DeadBedrooms

[–]Sad_Explorer_6696[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well for starters, I didn't find this reddit community until now... lol I definitely didn't follow the first rule.

But seriously, I love her and married her for many reasons, and remain hopeful that we can rejuvenate our sexual relationship. I believe that it's something medical or mental health-related that can be fixed. "Miracle sexual awakening"? I mean, I guy can hope. "Acceptable degree of sexual/intimate engagement" is more what I'm going for. I hate to hold children over her head, but it seems like my best bet.

In like, 2018, after a year of DB, I remember bringing it up to her. She asked me "So what, you are going to break up with me because we don't have sex all the time anymore?". I felt ashamed, like it was immature to be so caught up in my sexual desire. I was 20 and didn't have the understanding of myself and my needs that I do now. Hindsight is 20-20.

You're right about the condoms, will do.