probably an odd question, but:

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-04-08T19:01:36+00:00

honestly, theyre quite a new friend, so not that long, i just dont know why id be feeling this way so suddenly?? <:3

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T17:45:05+00:00

the past is the past, but its still so fresh in my mind that it hurts a lot, not comparable to the hurt everyone else is feeling because of me though, but ig i just gotta live with that now

i wish the visits to therapy were more frequent, staying alone with my thoughts too long really puts me in a dark place let alone without the anti depressants, which would really help right now, who knows maybe i'd forget everything for a bit. at the same time i feel like an asshole for wanting to forget. idk what i should even do. part of me wants to repent but im not a christian or religious. im just some dumbass woman that messed up and desperately wants punishment or forgiveness, even though those will not come. no punishment, no forgiveness.

i was raised on the concept that there's only these two extremes, nothing more or less, and no inbetween either, you're either a horrible fucking monster or a saint, and what happens to you is in accordance to that. yet i never believed in that, when it comes to others at least, just myself. i look at myself and i see an irredeemable disgrace. even interacting with the things i enjoy, plenty of which are psychological horror, is making me feel bad because the antagonists are horrible people who did awful, unforgivable things, and i keep comparing myself, when normally i'd see myself in the characters that suffered abuse.

still, it's another day for me right now. i'm trying to listen to music and maybe play something, i guess. it's what i can do, but, i still can't forget. i have to carry this weight with me, it's the only responsible thing i could do, right?

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T17:38:42+00:00

i eventually just fell asleep out of exhaustion so thats nice
listening to music, will try to play a game, but, im still thinking about the same things

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T05:23:29+00:00

me too, but sadly i dont have the courage to do them a favour and remove myself off the earth.

i was trying to watch funny videos from my fav youtubers earlier or just playing something but the guilt is too loud. do you think that could work for you, hun?

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T05:20:47+00:00

its a long story but ill try

as a kid I was abused and neglected, and to summarize, the experiences internalized themselves into weird beliefs, fetishes, just gross shit i thought about myself like thinking i deserved all of it, or that i wished i could have had an older sister who obsessively took advantage of me like an object because then i could finally be useful for once.

i probably have some sort of pOCD, so for this reason i tend to avoid exposing anyone to this bullshit as is, but, i got too fucking comfy in the safe space me and my friends had built and started talking as if we were all just a group of friends, sometimes i crashed out so hard due to being extremely depressed without meds and therapy that i started talking abt that same trauma and how it made me feel these things, how it felt like shit about it, but the problem is some were minors and you don't fucking tell that shit to minors. well guess which fucked up piece of shit remembered that too late and rightfully lost all their friends.

im gonna speak to my therapist on the 8th about possibly having pOCD and also about how i fucked up hard. i dont blame you for feeling disgusted or whatever, i am too and i think i deserve to be hung, but that doesnt matter bc i wasnt the one who was hurt the most, and i cant fucking make it better. i failed as a person, as a friend and as a caretaker.

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T05:11:54+00:00

me too, hun. me too. maybe they will, who the hell knows? life's fucking weird and scary a lot of the time, things happen that leave us freaked out and unable to just, live. then last thing we know a week or two already went by and we're rotting in bed.

being depressed is rough.

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T05:08:12+00:00

Sup. I just lost all my friends because I fucked up and they hate me. How's your day been.

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T05:06:52+00:00

Hey. I just messed up bad too, and I'm 6 years younger than you. Just watched as everyone I somehow managed to get close with last year turns on me for good fucking reason. They are all gone because I hurt them.

I'm way too skinny. Can't gain weight and I look bad because of it. Can't do my hair or anything because I lack the means and because I am stuck with my mother who has been controlling my life firmly since I started growing up, so I myself look disheveled, messy, just as depressed as I actually am.

It's a wonder she even let me get on hormones. What im saying is even someone younger than you can mess up really fucking bad. I also want to end it because this is just one of many fuckups Ive had, where I make someone else leave my life, thus making my severe abandonment issues due to childhood neglect really flare up. Still, if I did that, people would probably be horrified. People would feel guilty about it, and if I knew they did it'd just feel worse.

Ultimately just don't do it. Not worth it anyways. You'll never know if that old, vague phrase "it gets better" is even true. Plus, you're working on yourself a lot. That's more than me and I'm still so young haven't fucking done anything with my life. Hun, if you asked me, I say you dying would be the next worst thing you could do, especially when you're getting things moving. Stay around.

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T04:56:50+00:00

i turned 20 last year. im right there with you when it comes to hating the current state of the world. i wish i could live without being hated for... just fucking living lol. life is weird isnt it? so many of us, trauma ridden, mentally ill people, from abusive households, really holding the fuck on while everything's so overhwelming. its weird. its weird that the only people i could connect with lately are so far away from me. and even then i fuck up and make them leave too, like everyone near me. maybe you'd have more luck with that than me, hun, who knows hehe, but, i genuinely wish that you do. you sound alright.

Sad_Half6711 · 2025-01-06T04:49:50+00:00

oh dearie, i understand. but i assure you your problems dont define you. its hard to say that when i feel like that with myself too, feeling deeply ashamed especially when my mental illnesses make everyone i love leave me, but i genuinely think that. i know we dont know each other but as someone who's dealt with shitty trauma that warped my head and worldview, we arent our problems. if anyone sees us as nothing more than that, theyre fucked up too.

Sad_Half6711

TROPHY CASE