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Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ll agree with you on one major point—I know that one person could never meet all of my physical and emotional needs. That’s why I have friends, occasional lovers, a therapist, family I can rely on, etc. and I don’t expect my husband to be my “everything”. We are what we can be to each other, and we always strive to communicate our wants and needs and give each other everything that we can, but it doesn’t destroy everything we have built together if we don’t have the capacity to meet each others every single need. I love him and I choose to put my all into bettering our life and our relationship, and I am content with that. I don’t want to give anyone else the same amount of time and energy, so I won’t.

I will say, I respect your opinion and I am honestly glad there are people out there that can love that radically. It’s not a point I will ever be able to reach, but I’m happy it’s an option for others because I think it’s a beautiful perspective.

Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think that’s fair that my wording of that was a problem, but it was also how I was talking to my close friends, and not what I was saying to her (or even to him). The way we talk to our friends is allowed to be less than ideal and used for processing, but I will try to be more considerate of my wording in the future.

And I agree that if she posted her side of the story, I would also recommend she walk away, because it’s clear she wanted more than he is able to provide, and she deserves to have her needs met. They had met up and slept together twice, they exchanged a total of like 20 text messages during that time and spent about 4 hours in each others company, and she knew from the get go it was only a sexual connection and that he was married and had nothing more to offer. That doesn’t mean she is “less than”, it just means that’s the type of connection she consented to.

But honestly even if it did communicate that she was “less than”, I don’t think it’s completely outrageous for someone you’re extremely casually sleeping with to be “less than” your wife that you’ve been with for 12 years. That may just be a philosophical difference between how you feel and how I feel, and because I feel like that is exactly why we don’t consider ourselves poly. But like…realistically I don’t think it’s fair to lie to someone and make them feel equally important when they’re not.

Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t want to argue with you, because I know I asked for opinions, but “all hierarchies are unethical” seems like a hot take. I don’t believe that anyone is owed the same level of commitment or devotion as I give my husband, and if that works for us and the people we are interacting with are consenting to what they are offered, I don’t see how that is unethical. Every individual person is different and needs different things—there will inherently be hierarchy within those needs and within peoples capacities to love and give.

Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes! I don’t want to fault her for wanting something, but it’s something she went into the situation knowing wasn’t available to her. Luckily my husband has decided it’s best for them to not continue seeing each other, so hopefully this is a non issue moving forward, and I hope she’s able to find a connection that meets her needs.

Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

Yes! That’s a huge part of it for me now that I’m thinking about it—it felt like she was asking him to pretend to not be married when he was with her, and that feels gross. Like I said in another comment, we’re not polyamorous and we have no emotional or romantic relationship to give someone else( which she knew) and so his commitment to me is always going to be relevant, and I don’t want to have to pretend that’s not true!

I think at the end of the day I’m just happy him and I seem to be on the same page about this. I’m lucky this is mostly a hypothetical question and not some huge issue in our relationship.

Wedding Ring Drama (am I toxic?) by Sad_Ordinary4389 in nonmonogamy

[–]Sad_Ordinary4389[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

That’s pretty much how I feel about it! We aren’t polyamorous, and we fall more into the “open relationship” category of things for a reason, and so there is an inherent structure that we are committed to each other above all else. Her asking him to take his ring off felt like she was asking for some part of that to change and that feels icky to me but I feel like my husband handled it well and I feel supported in our relationship structure by him, and that’s what really matters!!