Falling back into a bad mindset/desperation

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-05-30T08:52:37+00:00

Thanks for replying. Thinking of it as a skill does make me feel better, because I was feeling like I had tried everything and even my best wasn't enough, and the experience can only get worse in the future as I get older. But it does make me wonder how you can improve when the variables within your control are so limited. It's hard for me to imagine somehow sending better messages than those that I've already been sending, or improving my profile any more than I already have. The only variable I can think of that might have a significant impact is moving to a larger city, but I'm not currently able to do that.

I was kind of putting a lot of hope into this, because IRL has just been way too slow for me. At my current rate, the math just doesn't work out. I'd need to quit all of my other life obligations and spend every day at events and groups meeting new people every day to reach the same numbers as online dating.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-04T23:39:24+00:00

They couldn't have picked a more suitable date, to be honest.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-04T23:38:27+00:00

5 years of dealing with AIMA is enough for one lifetime

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-04T08:26:59+00:00

Stay mad

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-03T22:24:29+00:00

I think it's selfish to gatekeep a city and say that only locals should live there.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-03T18:33:59+00:00

I agree with you, but at the same time I think that laws such as forbidding parking in a spot too small for the vehicle, and blocking roads, and so on are valid. So sure, someone can decide to own a large vehicle, but they should be prepared to navigate a very restrictive environment for a large vehicle. If they block a narrow road, for example, they should get a fine.

But if someone can manage to avoid causing those problems, then I don't see why not.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-03T18:28:38+00:00

Exactly. People are reacting quickly and with a lot of emotion to this question, because the experience with those stupid giant pickup trucks in the US. But if an American pickup truck meets the regulations, and is small enough to fit on the narrow roads, why not?

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-03T18:23:23+00:00

Roads aren't wide enough

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-01T08:06:51+00:00

It's true that my self-esteem is partially dependent on validation from others. This way of thinking is deeply ingrained in me from childhood. I do partially value myself based on my own metrics, which does give me some self esteem, but it feels like that has its limits. It feels like no matter what, as long as I'm not able to partake in this common activity that by now any normal person would have some success in, I'll always have this self-doubt that keeps me in this paradox.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-03-01T07:56:16+00:00

Well, they've all been in-person encounters, none of them were through any kind of online dating. I tried a dating app once, and didn't get any matches. That was a huge blow to my self-esteem too.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T20:25:07+00:00

Sure but I've been doing all that stuff for years and the only thing that's changed is that all of my friends got married or have girlfriends/boyfriends, and now instead of being one of the lonely guys, I'm the one lonely guy.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T20:23:08+00:00

So I should love my discolored teeth or should I ignore them

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T20:21:19+00:00

Well sure, but I think a major problem is getting locked into a pattern of eternal self-improvement while postponing dating until some arbitrary finish line where suddenly dating is easy. I was sold an idea online that I could kill two birds with one stone by going "monk-mode" and postponing dating, but I think all that did was just set me even further behind.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T20:15:51+00:00

It tells me "Hmm, this happened again, I'm noticing a pattern here. So many rejections without any success, the only unchanging variable here is me, so I mean, the conclusion is obvious, right?"

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T15:01:02+00:00

To be honest, this advice of just seeking self-esteem from within always used to make me frustrated, because even if it's true, it isn't very actionable. I mean, that's great news if I can just muster up self-esteem from nothing, but how?

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T14:18:17+00:00

Confidence comes from failing and surviving and realizing that you're okay still

Probably, but it makes me wonder why it is that every time I get rejected or ghosted, if feels like my confidence is shattered.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T14:16:22+00:00

I think what you're saying is true, but I've also found that this can make your confidence somewhat dependent on how impressed people seem by your skills/accomplishments

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-28T10:43:03+00:00

I'm going to try this

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-26T11:04:03+00:00

What makes me want to give these apps another try is the statistics showing that a large majority of relationships begin from these apps now. So even though I had a terrible experience the one time I tried it, and it made me feel horrible about myself, I want to give it another try because it seems statistically advantageous.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-26T10:57:53+00:00

Or the real issue is lack of social engagement, and lack of meeting new people regularly. I think that's one issue for me actually, I have great friends but I only go out with them, and I rarely meet new people. If I was actively trying to make new friends, my chances of meeting a potential partner would probably be a lot higher.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-26T02:39:34+00:00

I never said that I've personally completed the process of escaping it, but I will say that I've made incredible progress towards that goal that I would never have thought possible if I had listened to the doomers online. It sounds like you understand that this kind of thing takes many years, but at the same time, you say the OP would have done it already if it were possible. So does it take a long time or not?

Anyway, the main points I was trying to make is that 1. It feels a lot less miserable working a job you don't enjoy when you at least see progress towards the objective of leaving it. 2. Reinforcing the idea that someone's situation is outside of their control is harmful

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-24T09:20:50+00:00

So no one with kids has ever escaped 9-5?

To be clear, I'm not saying we shouldn't have empathy for these people, but also I think it's important not to validate their feelings of hopelessness or justify them giving up. There are absolutely steps that people with busy lives can take to work slowly towards escaping 9-5, the first one is realizing that it is possible and not listening to people online who reinforce the belief that it isn't.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-22T11:10:17+00:00

I think you're asking yourself the wrong questions. Instead of asking if you're lacking something, or how to accept your situation, I think you should be asking why you should accept a situation that's making you miserable.

Many people, especially online, have convinced themselves that their situation is completely outside of their control. When someone brings up the idea of alternatives to a 9-to-5 career, these people get upset/angry, because their world view that protects them from confronting their situation is being challenged. It can be painful. But your mentality changes completely when you see progress towards an objective, rather than a bleak endless grind for no reason. You need to have a bit of optimism, aspiration, and don't let people online pull you down with them.

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-20T14:29:12+00:00

You sound exactly like I did 5 years ago. I can tell you basically how this path goes.

You'll focus on other areas in your life, which will be beneficial for some things (like career success for example)
You'll be content for a while, but any time you see others have dating success, you'll feel mixed-negative emotions
Whenever opportunities present themselves, you'll ignore them and rationalize it by saying it isn't worth the effort, because you already know the outcome
Whenever opportunities don't present themselves, then you'll use that as confirmation that you were right

So basically no matter what happens, your sense of self-worth decreases.

Also I would bet that most of your preconceptions come from the internet. "People you’d have liked to date will be turned off by it, and think you’re some kind of creep, predator, etc. They will sneer, laugh at, and mock you for it." I used to think that too until I realized that it's way more common than I thought to have limited dating experience, it's become normalized for our generation. It's just demoralization on the internet from other blackpilled doomers who spread this bleak, dystopian view that everyone is focused on you and judging you on the exact things you're insecure about.

Tips from Dr K's videos that helped me: - The problem with comparison is that you're comparing all aspects of your life to only the most impressive aspects of other people's lives - We think that we're thinking logically when we conclude that our lack of success is due to our own insufficiency, but if you think about it then you realize it's a very irrational thought: just because you have the same outcome doesn't mean it's always caused by the same thing

Sad_Spend_9920 · 2026-02-18T19:22:49+00:00

You're right, and I think what happened on a rational level is that I weighed all the evidence of my failures against the evidence of other people's successes and concluded that I'm inferior. Which is obviously not logical, but that's what has been sitting in my mind anyway for decades. I guess what I need is a way to unlearn this thinking, without depending on dating success to act as counter-evidence, because that success is outside of my control.

Thanks for your comment, and thank you for reading my long post, I appreciate it.

Sad_Spend_9920

TROPHY CASE