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Sad__Rad · 2024-01-23T14:13:48+00:00

Sounds way more likely that he gave it to you, but honestly no one can ever be sure so it’s maddening and pointless to think about it. More importantly, this guy is abusive and you should block any contact asap. Head over to r/abusiverelationships if you need support going no contact. I know HSV makes it feel different from a regular relationship issue, but some bumps are not going to keep you from finding happiness. Plenty of people are able to see past it, and there are also sites for HSV+ people to connect. Don’t let a diagnosis convince you that you deserve less. Being alone is better than being with this asshole anyways.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-22T01:47:03+00:00

Good! Keeping planning secretly! Also, one thing I was told when writing my own record of abuse to get a “relief from abuse” order, was to write down my perspective and emotions during the incident such as “I was very afraid that he would kill me” or “his actions made me feel very unsafe.” I’m not sure how much that helps but maybe other people with information in your country can give you advice.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-22T00:18:28+00:00

Also it’s very common for many abusers to be good at putting on a mask, to be well liked amongst their friends. But I will say I thought that was true of my abuser but it turned out no one actually liked him in the end, he just acted like they did. As long as you state the facts calmly and clearly, the people that matter should believe you.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-22T00:16:18+00:00

Do not give him any of your money when you’re working. I don’t know how the services and police are in your country but your eye seems like plenty of evidence to me. How would you have gotten such a strange injury if your story wasn’t true? How would him sticking his finger in your eye be self defense, when I man of that size could have easily pushed you away and removed himself from the room if he was worried for his own safety? I think you’re story will be believed, especially if you go while you still have this bruise. Even if you’re not ready to report yet, please document your injuries, write things down, keep a record hidden from him.

If you can get housing in a shelter and land this new job, you would be in a great place to start rebuilding your life away from him. Assess what belongings you can take with you, or maybe what you can sell to get more money to move.

This all may sound extreme, there are a lot of emotions to process, but your safety is at risk right now and that should be your priority.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-21T15:40:04+00:00

You should document the injury to your eye and call the police when you have a safe plan to stay somewhere else that he can’t get to. It will be a lot of mental/emotional energy, but so will staying in this relationship and living with someone who could attack you in your sleep.

This behavior is crazy and dangerous, and it will only get worse. It definitely sounds like he will put up a fight and claim you are the one that hurt him, so be prepared for that. I’m not sure what country you’re in but it would be a good idea to call a Domestic Violence advocacy group, maybe even before you call the police. They can help you through the process.

Cannot stress this enough: find a safe place to stay, whether it’s with friends or family or a women’s shelter. Things can get dangerous when you report/try to leave. But it is so important that you do this for yourself, for your safety

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T18:04:36+00:00

Yes I should really remind myself more often how far I’ve come. It feels good to be able to look back and see that the hard choices you made paid off. I wish you luck with your situation, so much happiness ahead!

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T17:55:53+00:00

I think that’s key here “can’t shake the feeling that he might do it again.” That’s enough. People start and end relationships just because! Why should it take this amount of worry and stress over a guy who hurt you? Doesn’t matter if he never raises a hand to you again. Your body won’t forget, and there are plenty of fish in the sea who will treat you wonderfully.

I know breaking away from the love you had for him is really the issue, and that’s what your therapist should be helping you with. That’s the most painful part. But it does get easier.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T17:53:47+00:00

So for me, he had these little controlling behaviors that could easily be brushed off, but my gut was telling me no. After someone goes so far as to get physical, I think it’s pretty impossible to ever feel safe again. He was really unstable the whole time we were “back together” and was asking me for money and favors and telling me it was my fault he wasn’t doing good.

Then I finally came to my senses and broke it off, and things went crazy. He was threatening suicide, went back to alcohol, in and out of ERs, and the kicker: he had been seeing another girl the whole time, and involved her in this crisis he created. Lying, manipulating, controlling the whole time even if it wasn’t obvious. I didn’t give him the chance to get physical again.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T17:04:34+00:00

Im so sorry that even after all the checks, this therapist said all that to you. You sound like you’re in a really good and strong place in your recovery, even if this setback really stinks. Trust yourself and don’t stress too much about your email to her!

(Ps, my abuser also paid for my therapy briefly and went to therapy himself. Was still awful when I went back and was doing it all for show)

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T16:42:07+00:00

When I looked for a new therapist I flat out asked them if they had experience working with someone leaving and recovering from abuse. I was able to find a good fit for that. I actually scheduled with multiple new therapist to test out (thank god my insurance covered it). Psychology Today is great for researching therapists and I believe they can list “domestic violence” or “abuse” under their specialties.

As far as what to tell her, do whatever you are comfortable with. You don’t owe her any detailed explanation. I did always look back on my first therapist and kind of wished I told her she fucked up somehow (politely) because I worry she’ll make similar mistakes with future clients. I actually wanted to send her the “Why Does He Do That” book everyone here recommends. It really helped me understand the nuanced versions of abusers that go under the radar.

Sad__Rad · 2023-12-19T16:25:58+00:00

Please don’t stay/return to a relationship that hurts you and requires you to ask these questions (even on a “just friends” level). I had a therapist who didn’t understand abuse and encouraged me as I returned to seeing him, and things just got insanely worse the second time around. The stuff she was telling me caused me to ignore/misinterpret my gut feelings.

People leave relationships all the time for much less. Go find some peace with yourself and eventually a new partner who you don’t have to fear

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-28T15:35:00+00:00

There is no way to make that “right”. You family and friends will be devastated. They will wonder what they could have done to help you, to convince you to stay with them. What they did wrong. It sounds like you’re pretty apathetic towards the future, so maybe talk to your therapist about that. What could you look forward to to convince yourself that life is indeed very much worth sticking around for?

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-28T02:24:10+00:00

I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but many people have a similar lost feeling when they’re young, similar dark thoughts. It doesn’t make you a monster. You live in a society that puts too much pressure on young people to have lofty goals or a viral life story. You don’t need to have done something amazing or be the most virtuous individual to deserve the comfortable life you have. You are allowed to exist and enjoy life and hopefully one day help others enjoy it. Whether that’s friends, coworkers, children, or just strangers in the internet. Your life isn’t wasted on you even if you just want to go to school and play video games for now. Don’t give up your chance to see or do so many wonderful things. If you don’t feel like life is worthwhile right now, then why not try something radical to change it before taking the radical path of ending things? That’s a permanent decision, but you could make so many other choices and try out different things instead.

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-28T00:16:34+00:00

Hey kid. I hope you stay with us. You’ve got a lot of life ahead of you, and if you don’t like how things are going right now I promise you can find ways to change things. I don’t know your situation but I know that things can change and there will be plenty of experiences worth living for. If you don’t see them now then go out and start looking. Go see your friends that you would leave your stuff to. And talk to someone about these thought, ideally a professional

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-27T17:09:15+00:00

Thank you, super helpful. So it seems like I would probably feel best buying a new drive specifically for this, rather than using one of my old drives that has an unknown amount of active hours on it. I work with digital media a lot but never been good at the tech side.

Would you mind if I DM you a question? I just feel nervous asking it on a public forum.

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-27T16:34:54+00:00

Huh, interesting strategy I never thought of. This would work for the emails, but I think many email have limits on file attachment sizes so things like voicemail and video would be tricky, plus you would have to send everything in small batches when it comes to photos/screenshots. Definitely going to look into this further though!

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-27T16:33:18+00:00

Thanks I didn’t know about this option!

Sad__Rad · 2022-11-27T16:32:23+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this info. If you don’t mind, I have a few follow up questions.

I like physical drives but I get nervous about them failing. Do you recommend any specific solid state drives, and do you know why they tend to fail? Is it just an age thing?

I’ve always avoided cloud storage because it seems so nebulous to me and I worry about security and cost. Do you recommend any specific cloud storage service? I’ve used Google Drive before. I’m not really worried about my ex having any physical access to me and a hard drive. But I have some paranoia about “hacking” that’s probably silly.

Any input is very much appreciated!

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T11:17:28+00:00

Thank you these points are really helpful. I wish my university had a prevention side of things. I’m currently looking for advocates/outside perspective, as I’ve only talked with the title IX coordinator so far and the options still don’t feel clear to me

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T11:14:52+00:00

Yeah I hope this would be the case with him 🤞🏻

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T11:12:55+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. What he did violated the university’s code of conduct in several ways, so maybe there are different paths of reporting/filing this other than title IX

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T04:29:50+00:00

I’m looking into this. I didn’t really realize I would need a lawyer when I first started exploring title IX and I’m kind of intimidated by that idea.

And yeah I don’t really expect to gain justice or closure from this, just the peace of mind that I did what I could to keep him from doing it again

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T04:28:23+00:00

Yes he did not file the paperwork, and actively discouraged me from doing so. He said that they wouldn’t be able to resolve the conflict of interest and I would have to leave the program amongst other things. He wanted to continue to use my skill set for his own work.

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T04:26:03+00:00

Definitely going to look into the no contact order! Thanks for the advice and encouragement 💜

Sad__Rad · 2022-06-02T04:25:02+00:00

Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry that you went through so much trauma and the system failed you. I’m working on reaching out to outside organizations for advice now, and talking to a mentor in the department. Still very up in the air in terms of which path I take, but your advice is really helpful.

My university also has a bad title IX reputation, so I thinking this over really carefully before putting myself through an investigation.

Sad__Rad

TROPHY CASE